Co-Parenting Mayhem

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old DS with my ex husband. We split up when DS was 2 years old and have been trying to co-parent since.

Its been a challenge.

Anyway, the latest saga is a case of my DS playing me and his dad/his granny off each other.

DS says he has a sore throat and he has a very mild cough. Nothing that has affected his eating, drinking and he has been going to school, singing in his room etc as normal. So to me, I just told him it'll be better in a few days.

DS has a phone with a child proof sim card from EE, with his family members numbers only, so he can ring his dad etc and not use my phone. I thought this would be a nice way for DS to still connect throughout the week with his dad.

However, DS has been using this phone to arrange plans with his dad or his granny (on his dads side) and doesnt ask me if its OK etc. He has been warned multiple times that he needs to ask me if these plans are OK.

DS has called his dad this morning who starts work at 2pm. He tells his dad he's sick and I have told him he isnt allowed medicine (I told DS it wasnt needed as he just has a few sniffles, and DS had been eating normally, even asking for sweets and chocolate!). He then agreed with his dad, without my knowledge, that he would him up and take him to his granny's so he can get medicine and stay there this afternoon.

I hadn't been asked, and I am just assumed to go and pick up DS from my ex MIL house after I finish work at 5pm (I don't particularly get on with her very well and my ex husband knows this).

I said no, but ex husband arrives 15 mins later at the door to pick DS up.

Ex husband then sends a large number of texts to me, calling me a bad mother for not giving DS calpol (despite the fact he doesnt need it) and claims that my son is "frightened" of me and having a panic attack as I locked his phone as punishment for making plans without asking which went against the rules. These messages include a video of my DS crying and ex husband saying "I love you" to DS.

I have told ex husband he needs to stay out of the rules I set in my household, respect me as his mother and not to give DS medicine when it is not needed.

AIBU here? I feel like I am going completely mad.

I feel completely disrespected as his mother, my child is emotionally manipulating his dad into thinking I dont care (strange?) and I am getting accused of being a bad mum and refusing medicine, when in the past if he's been sick, I have been the one nursing him with medicine and hugs and taking the day off work.

I have no idea how to handle this moving forward without shutting ex husband out.

For reference - I split with ex husband due to domestic abuse (towards me, not DS) and he has been arrested in the past for attempting to blackmail me, so he is unhinged and quite angry towards me (ot doesnt seem to be with others)

Take the phone off him all together. It’s a nice idea, but he’s too young. You’re giving your ex a means to control you, too.
Do you have a co parenting schedule? Stick
to that.

Yep, would have him alternative Friday/Saturday then once every two weeks on Sunday due to his work hours.

Taking his phone away will only solve so much, as if his dad rings him from my phone, the same thing happens. However, I also dont want to take away phone calls from his dad, if I can

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest.
Unfortunately this happens with kids from about age 7 into early teens sometimes with a split household.

My stepson used to do it all the time too. My husband would get phone calls, texts, emails from my SS mothers that were just profoundly untrue and purposely my SS would play one parent off the other.

It was tough but we just stood our ground that Mom's rules were hers and our rules were ours and its perfectly fine for those to be different. It's no different to kids learning rules for school or sports.

We always let Mom know if SS was ill (e.g. DH would contact her and say SS has a mild cough and is taking X cough bottle, and she should get some for when he arrives back. Or if he needed a GP visit, my DH would say what was wrong and that he'd update her after GP etc)... so it was always evident we weren't neglectful of his health.

Only in recent months had SS now a teen tried to make plans during our access and we always shut them down. His Stepdad has often driven the 20 minutes to our village only to be sent home again because we have our own family and our own plans.

Unless you need and specifically ask for help... the only thing you need to respond to your Ex is "Hi, Childs name does not need medication, obviously if this changes I will of course give some. He is fine. I do not need help with childcare today. He'll see you on your access days and you can arrange a visit with your family during your access time"

Always repeat the same thing.

At least you can monitor it better if it’s via your phone, stay in earshot and cut it off if you think he’s being manipulative. I think you need to set firmer boundaries with an ex who is abusive. He’s undermining you, and If they don’t stop it, then no contact on ‘your’ days.

This is 100% what this is like for us at the moment.

He likes to tell his dad that I always drink wine (I have some at the weekend, some weeks, but not even once a week) and that I have nothing for him to do at my house when he has every technology device, a cupboard full of games and toys etc.

Its absolutely draining.

But yes, I think you're right. I just need to be firm in my decisions with ex husband moving forward.

Is there a court order around contact?

On the phone thing... in our case a judge ordered no phone calls from the Mother during our access as she was blowing up DHs phone when SS was young and really really imposing on our lives. The judge felt it wasn't necessary.

Now that my SS is a teen and has his own phone (we paid for the phone, she pays the monthly bill), she is again blowing him up everyday multiple times. We went out as a family one day and SS phone battery died so she kept ringing my DH (she isn't allowed do this per court order) and kept emailing him and eventually phoned the police to do a welfare check because her teen son didn't reply to her in 2 hours.

Lawyers had to get involved again and she isn't allowed contact him during our time unless it's actually important. The poor kid was so so stressed about how quick he had to respond to her
.

No court order, we have just arranged ourselves around work patterns

He’s too young for a phone and he is totally disrespecting you with it, so it needs to go. If you allow this while he’s still so young it will only get worse. Is there any reason for DSs unhappiness at home? If it’s all ex H I’d supervise the calls

Yep... comments like "He's bored, has nothing to do etc" we're always met with "That is factually incorrect. Please only contact me in regards financial, medical, educational or access"

She eventually got bored 😂

I ask because I'm wondering why you're being so accommodating around contact with an abusive man. If he was abusive to you, he will also be abusing your son - not in the same ways, but probably in subtler ways. It sounds like part of the abuse is using him as a tool to create conflict with you.

Take the phone off him for a day or two until he learns to use it as it was intended. Or make access to the phone only by asking you.

Have a bottle of "Medicine" available for days like this? just syrup or something. Give a spoonful, then after half an hour say "oh that's all cleared up then"

I am not sure, however, DS was fine this morning, playing in his room until he had a phone call from his dad

His behaviour seems to get worse if he has been at his dads for a couple of days after, then he levels out

He used to do a LOT more overnights at his granny's on a whim, which I stopped, and he is now excelling at school and a noticeable change in his behaviour

His granny and dad seem to mollycoddle him some what, giving into demands and treating him like he is 2, so when he is back home and expected to act more maturely for his age, he doesnt take it very well (e.g. his granny would dress him etc, but I would encourage him to dress himself which he is more than capable of doing at 8)

So take the phone, then when dad phones in a morning you can say sorry DS is busy getting ready for school. They don’t need to have such regular phone contact, is isn’t helping your DS

This is all perfectly normal. It's hard for.kids to regulate moving from one environment to another... but keep your rules the same and he'll get used to it.

Like others have said, if your Ex and your son cannot handle the phone responsibly then it's taken away. 8 isn't really old enough to have a phone IMO.

I had went down the route before in regards to access, but he was allowed access to child as no recorded incidents towards the child (long story short). He is known to SS and he was on the at risk register for a while (due to ex's behaviour and threats to me) but he was removed from the at risk and SS cleared his dad a couple of years ago.

School had also raised concerns to SS about his dad, but they concluded it didn't warrant further investigation.

God that's infuriating - not on your side but on the side of the authorities who have looked at an abusive man and deemed him fit to take care of a child. I'd advise you to keep track of what's happening, record incidents etc in case you have to take action at a later stage. In the meantime you might want to have a serious (age appropriate) talk to your son about his dad. There may be behaviours he's experiencing that are confusing him/making him feel unsafe.

I used to keep a totally dry house because ex would tell people I kept alcohol in and drank a lot had the teachers sniffing me at pick ups and drop offs finally social services came over asking if I drank ex said I was a drinker I said no? my friend who was there laughed and told them she had known me for years I wasn't a drinker she had never even seen me take a sip they were puzzled then his (ex husbands step dad) slipped up and said i wasn't a drinker either ex was noted as a hostile parent and everyone moved on he was warned against time wasting he did his little "outraged concerned father" act and backed down

Yep, very.

He would frequently have arguments and fights with DS. The most recent big one, there was a huge argument involving Ds, his dad and his girlfriend, where his dads behaviour was so bad, his girlfriend left the house for the night (think of that what you will)

I have had conversations with DS about asking him if his dad ever gets angry, or how his dad acts when he is angry, and it just comes back to bite me, as he will go to his dad and tell him I have been asking about this, which leads to another argument with his dad and me.

I am hoping that the older he gets, he will notice more and withdraw from his dad (one could hope!)

His ex holds it against me due to the hard time I had when he was doing the whole blackmail saga against me.

During this time, he had picked up my phone and took pictures on his phone of some intimate photos (while in my house waiting for DS) then sent them to me and demanded half the money for the divorce or he would send these photos to employers, family, social services etc.

This went on for weeks, and I became severely depressed and had panic attacks, and had turned to drinking a lot more frequently during this time period (never a huge amount, the frequency was just up) so that I could sleep because it was causing me horrible insomnia.

I had to have a lot of therapy to deal with this, and I self referred myself to SS, but they did their assessments and said there was no risk but did offer me support services (womens aid referrals etc) and ended up putting his dad on the watchlist rather than me! Therapist said I was showing strong signs of cPTSD from prolonged abuse from my ex which was provided to police and SS.

He likes to bring up this dark period my life, and the ways I used to cope to shame me - even though this was caused entirely by him. No accountability at all.

I think you need a more formalised child arrangements order which lays who has DS and when. You can't reason with unreasonable people so you have to have some rules and stick to them rigidly.

The phone goes. Simple as. He can’t be trusted with it and it’s causing issues for you. If he wants to speak to his dad he can use your phone.

Your ex is told that your rules and judgement apply during your time. He isn’t just to turn up at your door or make plans with an 8 year old without consulting you. Wouldn’t hurt to get some fixed court ordered plans in place to reinforce this if you havent already. Would also mean you have no need to speak to your ex.

Remain consistent and firm but loving with your ds. He doesn’t want to see you as the enemy and his dad as the hero who will rescue him from your rules. But he also needs to know that playing you off and being deliberately deceptive isn’t ok.

Take his phone away.
Let him use your phone when you’re in the room so you hear what he’s saying.
Speak to son and explain why he didn’t need medicine etc.

Take the phone away permanently and allow him a scheduled number of calls to his father each week which you supervise.

This is definitely not ok. I would say a few things - firstly he is far too young to have a phone. If he wants to speak to his dad when he’s with you, he can use your phone. Absolutely no way an 8 year old needs a phone. My 11 year old still doesn’t have a phone, but will get one (a non-smart phone only) when he goes to secondary school in September. You need a clear schedule with his dad that you both stick to. And you need to be a united front on things and for your son to know that he can’t play you off against each other. If mine said they get extra treats with their dad or something I’d be making sure they know that me and their dad are friends and talk about everything and that I know they are not being honest. It’s bad for your kid to end up in this position. Your son needs to see no signs of disagreement ever between you and his dad.