Co-Parenting Mayhem

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have an 8 year old DS with my ex husband. We split up when DS was 2 years old and have been trying to co-parent since.

Its been a challenge.

Anyway, the latest saga is a case of my DS playing me and his dad/his granny off each other.

DS says he has a sore throat and he has a very mild cough. Nothing that has affected his eating, drinking and he has been going to school, singing in his room etc as normal. So to me, I just told him it'll be better in a few days.

DS has a phone with a child proof sim card from EE, with his family members numbers only, so he can ring his dad etc and not use my phone. I thought this would be a nice way for DS to still connect throughout the week with his dad.

However, DS has been using this phone to arrange plans with his dad or his granny (on his dads side) and doesnt ask me if its OK etc. He has been warned multiple times that he needs to ask me if these plans are OK.

DS has called his dad this morning who starts work at 2pm. He tells his dad he's sick and I have told him he isnt allowed medicine (I told DS it wasnt needed as he just has a few sniffles, and DS had been eating normally, even asking for sweets and chocolate!). He then agreed with his dad, without my knowledge, that he would him up and take him to his granny's so he can get medicine and stay there this afternoon.

I hadn't been asked, and I am just assumed to go and pick up DS from my ex MIL house after I finish work at 5pm (I don't particularly get on with her very well and my ex husband knows this).

I said no, but ex husband arrives 15 mins later at the door to pick DS up.

Ex husband then sends a large number of texts to me, calling me a bad mother for not giving DS calpol (despite the fact he doesnt need it) and claims that my son is "frightened" of me and having a panic attack as I locked his phone as punishment for making plans without asking which went against the rules. These messages include a video of my DS crying and ex husband saying "I love you" to DS.

I have told ex husband he needs to stay out of the rules I set in my household, respect me as his mother and not to give DS medicine when it is not needed.

AIBU here? I feel like I am going completely mad.

I feel completely disrespected as his mother, my child is emotionally manipulating his dad into thinking I dont care (strange?) and I am getting accused of being a bad mum and refusing medicine, when in the past if he's been sick, I have been the one nursing him with medicine and hugs and taking the day off work.

I have no idea how to handle this moving forward without shutting ex husband out.

For reference - I split with ex husband due to domestic abuse (towards me, not DS) and he has been arrested in the past for attempting to blackmail me, so he is unhinged and quite angry towards me (ot doesnt seem to be with others)

That's not reasonable though if teh other parent is feeding into the child's demands. You can't show a united front with someone not willing to co-parent.

That’s fair

The phone needs to go and if Dad calls him on your phone you need to supervise the phone call and immediately intervene if necessary. Stick to the parenting plan.

Well it’s obvious your ex and his family have dripped poison in your son’s ear - I assume for years? I can predict your future with ease. He will get to a certain age and request he lives with his dad. You will feel compelled to agree and off he will go.

He could request all he wants. His doesn't want him full time.

I called his dad's bluff a few years ago when I said I would let him be resident parent and I will pay him maintenance and have DS two nights a week. Its safe to say, he freaked out by the thought of that.

He enjoys all his free time with his girlfriend and spends his free evenings smoking weed and playing online games. The amount of times he has called me during HIS visitation time, begging me to pick him up as "he's been bad", or he's just dumped him back at my door with no notice.. Lets just say its quite a lot.

That’s awful, this sounds like such a difficult situation and things to be going through.

The phone needs to go.

The phone needs to go. Given what you have said about his dad’s behaviour I would also not let DS speak to him outside of contact times on my phone either. Less contact the better. Accept that your ex will always be abusive and as a result don’t give him an inch.

This

Ok, your ex is a dick and I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much

however- this is not coparenting
I have told ex husband he needs to stay out of the rules I set in my household, respect me as his mother and not to give DS medicine when it is not needed.

if your son has a sore throat and wants Calpol, why ,don’t you just give him some? You are being unreasonable on this.
Don’t start monitoring phone calls, that will escalate issues and damage your relationship with your son
also, I don’t think it’s fair to punish your son for making arrangements with adults, is the adults who ought to be having boundaries around this, he is a very young and it is beyond him to manage this, especially if his father is being coercive about it. If you want to have set contact arrangements, go and get a child arrangements order.

8 is too young for a phone. Add in the abusive ex and you're giving ex tools to continue to abuse you.
He abused you, he's now doing it to your son. Your son's comments about your drinking and his behaviour shows he is being told inappropriate things.
I think you need to get a court order in place. Phone calls cab be twice a week at the exact same time, videocall, with you in the room. Anything inappropriate then you say bye and hang up.
You need to teach your son skills to trust his gut. Books like The Sky Is Red is good to get them to challenge what adults tell them and trust their gut. We pkay 'fact or opinion' and we do it about everything else except dad. Baked beans are the best food in the world- fact or opinion? And the kids question it. Now my 7 year old is starting to use those questioning skills on what daddy says. Everything is dad says is a fact in his dad's eyes which was really getting in the way of my relationship with the kids. It seems to be helping now.
Also, document all of this. The missed contact, what your son says that are adult issues. I think you seriously need to go.to court and get a Children's Arrangement Order so you have a Lives with Order and dad's behaviours are documented. The fact you have had third party worries and involvement is great.
I'd also consider looking at local charities and see what is on offer for play therapy. They will then work through these feelings with your son, help him to work through the crap that seems to be what dad is putting into his head.
I'm about to start the Freedom Project online- might be worth having a go yourself. You are so desensitised to yiur ex's antics that you doubt every move you make as a parent. I completely understand that feeling. Stay strong.
Really sorry you're dealing with this. I'm in a similar situation but the court order is my saving grace as he limits my ex's control over me and the kids. We have no phone calls as I said it wasn't helping the kids. Same as what you witness with your son. Wishing you and your son well!