My boy 3, almost 4 is having a lot of tantrums- normal ?

[myboyThree]

I have an older girl who is 6. By nearly 4, she had stopped having as many tantrums. My son will be 4 in May.

He just seems really babyish still. He always wants to get his way and he just doesn’t let it go when he doesn’t get his way. He cries buckets of tears and screams his head off.

he is not happy to go to preschool some days. I can’t work out why. He just says he wants to stay with me. I’ve told his teachers who say he seems happy. But this morning for example, he was just refusing to get dressed. There is just a lot of resistance for routine tasks like going to bed. He often has a meltdown because he doesn’t want to go to bed.

at preschool they say he’s doing ok. Not always perfect at following instructions there but they say on the whole he is a sweet, clever, kind boy.

he is ok sometimes at home but other times it’s so hard. I do the usual, giving him choices to make him feel in control of decisions, but he is so determined to have it his way, that the strategies don’t work. It’s like he always just wants to do the opposite thing.

he is so demanding. When he wants something he will cry and whine until he gets it. Or another example, this morning in the car we listened to the song he wanted 2-3 times and then another song came on and my daughter and I wanted to listen to it, but he didn’t. He cried and complained the entire way through. I didn’t back down and change it, but had to listen to him complain and cry. He ruins things a lot for us, when it’s not what he wants. Another example is his jacket. He never wants to wear it/ refuses etc. we’ve had instances where he’s cried for 30 minutes because we made him wear a jacket.

I use a reward jar with him, which sometimes works. But other times not as much.

I know these are all normal toddlerish things and I’ve been through it all with my daughter. But with her, it was getting better at this age.

I can’t imagine him going to school in September ! I can’t believe he’s 4 in a few short months. He behaves like he’s 2 and a half, a lot of the time.

any advice ? Is it still normal for his age ?

Yeah normal.

I would say stop giving him all these choices and just tell him what's going to happen. But I'm sure loads will come on here to tell you that tantrums are fine and normal (I disagree).

He sounds pretty normal for a 3yo.

I do both tbh. It’s not always practical to give him choices.

Look onto the age 4 testosterone surge for boys, OP. Its tough for him and you!

Mmm natural human biology would disagree with you on that one. You may not want it to be normal, but the medical fact remains that it is developmentally normal for a child of 3/4 to take tantrums and be difficult. You serve no purpose telling the OP that it isn't normal, when the medical world disagrees with you.

I found 3 much worse than 2. Sounds normal.

Perfectly normal ime.
I have two boys and they never had a tantrum before they were nearly four. Unfortunately by that age they have more stamina and staying power and DS2 was an accomplished professional tantrummer at four. Also of course they are much harder to divert or distract than a two year old.
Ignore, ignore and if you can't ignore them pretend to ignore.

Yeah, sounds normal. My tantrum boy is now at high school. The energy and focus he gave to his pre school tantrums has evolved into a drive to achieve and developing leadership skills.

Try not to compare him to your DD siblings have their own unique personalities.
He’s developing his own personality and testing the boundaries. The phase will pass but tough when you are going through it.

Completely normal and healthy part of development (child psychologist) despite what PP says.
This sounds pretty normal, for a lot of kids 3-4 is more tricky than 2-3. They are still very ego centric and have very little emotional regulation skill at this stage but are going through lots of big cognitive developments which leads to them wanting to assert their independence. It's a really tricky stage.
Keep doing what you are doing. Choices can be helpful to give them autonomy but too much is overwhelming. Try to increase independence while maintaining routine, structure and boundaries. Lots and lots of active and rough play and regulatory activities (this can look different for different kids, try to notice what calms him - bouncing, rocking, spinning, water, music, cuddles)
Lots of deep pressure and heavy work - pushing and pulling are great.

Aged 3 was the year of the worst behaviour for DS

Hasn’t that been debunked?

I don’t think you can compare siblings because your first child had 100% undivided attention from you right from the start. Obviously, your second didn’t.

Also, no 2 kids are the same so it’s futile anyway.

How much one-on-one alone time does he get with you? I know it’s hard when you have 2 or more but that might help?

Sounds normal. DS was hard work 3.5-4 and still has his moments at 4 and a half! With him its less not getting his own way and more if something isn't how he thinks it should be. Hunger and tiredness are big factors as well! He started school at just four and has always been fine at school and the tantrums at home slowly improved.

I wouldn't fuss about making him wear a coat unless its baltic. Pick your battles.

Totally normal. I remember those days. 😳

Yes, normal! DS peaked with tantrums at age 5-6 and I was starting to question if there were SEN involved. He totally grew out of them and really settled at age 7. Yet to experience a tantrum from DD who is 5, so I guess kids are just all different.

Good luck!

I agree. Children are given too many choices. If he has a tantrum at home, ignore him. We used to step over DD or pick her up and move her into the hall. Show grew up to be a delightful human being.

Normal! There is a reason why they call them 'threenagers'

But yes it is a standard developmental phase. He is growing, wanting more agency and independence but without the verbal and reasoning skills to articulate himself in another way. It's a good thing, although I know it does not feel like that now. His little brain is wiring up and working out the world. His coping mechanisms are also developing.

Oh... and I recall DH crying out in despair 'WHAT AGE DO THEY GROW OUT OF TANTRUMS???!!!!'. I just reminded him that he was in his 50s and had had a tantrum the week before when his computer crashed so to let me know.

Very normal, don't compare him to your daughter, children have their own personalities and develop at their own pace. Some children are just more wilful and persistent!

Don't give choices, you need him to know you're in charge and what you say goes. Don't ask 'do you want to...' instead tell him 'We're doing this now' and do it. Stay calm, keep a brisk and breezy tone and demeanor and ignore the tantruming, whingeing and crying - walk away and look busy, sorting clothes/washing up etc. When he's calmed down you can say 'oh, have you finished? Time for dinner then' etc and carry on with your day. Basically give lots of attention for desirable behaviour and zero attention for undesirable behaviour! Remember that tantrums aren't indicative of anything other than him learning to regulate his emotions when he doesn't get his own way. You can't do that for him, he will learn it himself in his own time - don't let it bother you.

Is this happening every day, several times per day? If so, I would say not normal.

It's normal. It's just a boundary pushing age. Of course you have to stand your ground sometimes but don't be afraid to try to avoid the conflicts before they begin. And pick your battles - does he really need to wear the jacket, could you let him get cold and then figure out he wants it? Or, skip the song if you see it again before he notices it 😃because once he digs in his heels about it you can't let him get his way, but there's no shame in just avoiding that situation arising, because he just will not be like this forever. It's a phase. Minimising conflict for a happier day, and so you DO have the mental energy when it does matter - no shame in that. Boys are often a bit behind. My now lovely and co-operative 10 year old was AWFUL at three (well, a mixture of sweet and awful lol) and his 3 year old little brother is a nightmare just at the moment (coinciding with some developmental leaps) but it won't last. They don't WANT to be a pita.

How often does he go to preschool? I have a DC a similar age but have the luxury of the school holidays off as I'm a teacher and I have to say I notice DC is much more manageable in the holidays, well rested, much fewer tantrums. I find the rushing around and preschool is just too much for him! He goes 3 times a week.

Super interesting because I have EXACTLY the same but 2 girls. 6 year old is easy going but nearly 4 year old is awful a lot of the time if she doesn’t get the same or better even when not appropriate. Screams and tantrums and yet no nursery issues. I really feel you.