Pre-teens no longer want friends to come round?

[Hufflemuff]

I have a preteen DS11 who just loves coming home and relaxing after school. Has sports on Tuesday night and one weekend day, but just has no interest in having mates over. Not even for a sleepover - which i was nagged about all the way through school years 4-6. He played out constantly throughout his younger years, i would have to drag him in!

Ive spoken to a few friends and theyre all saying the same. Once their childs hit year 7, they're treating school friends like work colleagues. Getting on well at school - but home time is "for them" and no-one wants to go to their friends house after school anymore - meet up on weekends etc...

AIBU to worry?! Hes content, home and happy. I know where he is and what hes doing - so should I shut up and just enjoy it!?

My son’s the same, now 16. He does have friends over occasionally, and he goes to theirs but not like in primary, and he has never wanted to do a sleepover ever!

I think going up to secondary school is a big adjustment. DS(12) is doing well but there's more homework and stricter rules so he just wants to do his own thing at home.

Worry about what? Why do parents keep on adding to worry list? Are they happy Is there any issues if no then what is the problem?

I experienced the same year 7 and 8. I'm assuming peer pressure is quite stressful and they need the downtime. I recall one day DS said he couldn't have people over as out kitchen cupboards were an embarassing colour. They were natural timber lol but clearly not stylish enough.

By year 9 he:d become more social outside of school and was pushing boundaries

I think we just need to let them be.

I was wondering if its not just my DS (or my friends kids from my little sample asking IRL) - whether others have noticed the same and this was more a societal thing.

I worry because time inside feels like a waste in some ways. I was hoping to exchange thoughts on why this is the case - if it is indeed common for many kids.

Try not to worry, if he is happy then let it be. I have 1 DC who prefers to be at home, rarely socialises with peers outside school.

I have another DC who is very social, if at home brings half the a dozen friends back with him, they take over the house or he is at someone else's house.

Neither is a perfect solution but both seem seem comfortable and happy enough.

Yeah for sure - and I do... Its like a background concern of mine. I even worried if he had friends, or was being intentionally left out.

Hes not allowed whatsapp groups - i was feeling a pang of "maybe because theyre banned in our house - hes missing out on group invites to go out for a kick about with his mates".

My kids are both like this. They are totally fine, socially adjusted, get on well with lots of people at school. I used to worry but I have let it go.

How much time does he spend outside in general? We're a bit more aware of this as we were told it makes a difference to DS's shortsightedness not getting worse.

My y8 DS (12) is the same.

I don’t even know his friends!

he has starter occasionally going out with a group of 5 to play d&d, alternating houses, so that’s something

He may be missing out if not on what's app or Snapchat, we have always tried to be relaxed about social media. Unfortunately so many teens have these to socialise, so we permitted them but provided education, discussed boundaries and consequences of inappropriate use. Y7 was a big year in our household, new schools, new friends and lots of change. If he seems happy, enjoy the calm!

I think it is more of a societal thing. Partly technology-driven, and also increased anxiety among parents about them going out of the family home. The overall effect is that fewer children are going out in general, especially in the winter.

I think this is a transition age. They don't want to have glorified play dates where a friend comes round (too babyish) but they are not yet at the stage where they will just organise their own outing into town (or whatever). Plus, if they've just started secondary school, they are negotiating different friendship groups (and probably a bit scared of getting it "wrong").

Socialising slowed down at this age with both my children; it picked up again as they got a bit older. The first thing that picked up was "hanging out" after school (I think as this needed no organising), but that's a bit limited at this time of year, so make it clear that you're happy with spontaneous get togethers like that (assuming it's practical and your DC doesn't have to get straight on a school bus when school finishes etc).

I think it's a societal thing - has a playdate with every child in my ds 1s primary class (small village primary tbf) now 10 years later DD is in year 6 and there are very few - tbh parents just don't facilitate them!

Certainly possible that he's missing out on invites if others are allowed WhatsApp. Could you compromise on allowing limited smaller friendship groups (not whole class groups) only with you checking at intervals?

Why can’t he have WhatsApp?

My DS is like this too, I'm also concerned as he was very sociable at primary.
He is definitely missing it though. He does have WhatsApp, but he says he's tried three times to suggest getting together to play football/do something outside school and no one has replied (in the group). It's affecting him because he's wondering if he "got it wrong" somehow 😟
Wish I knew the answer.
Edited to add - he's 12.

My daughter is 13/S2 and I've noticed this too. She had friends round all the time in primary school but rarely has anyone around now. She's super busy with dance class most evenings but the weekends she tends to hibernate and I can't work out if it's anything to be worried about. She doesn't seem particularly happy or unhappy about it, just confused as to why she'd try to do anything different.

Maybe because high school puts so much pressure on kids they are exhausted and don't have the energy or brain power left over for a social life?

i think this highlights the general shift of people becoming less social and people oriented. Happily entertained by their phones

Why is time inside a waste? I’ve heard it all now 😂
My year 7 loves his time at home with no pressure to be sociable etc, after his tiring day at school.

Same situation here with DS11. Sociable, plays sports but otherwise comes home and stays in. I'm hoping that things will change when the weather gets nicer and I will start nudging him then. To be fair, I wouldn't want to hang out in the park in the cold/wet/dark.

Maybe OP is Gen X and grew up with that parenting philosophy. Get up, get out of the house, and come back whenever.

They sell drinking safe hoses now. 😂

He has got it - but not allowed on group chats. The class whatsapp chat in year 6 was sent happy slapping videos of one classmate slapping and the other being slapped - it was awful. A few of the girls on this chat were bitching about one boy in the class, saying they hope he dies. Hes gone up to secondary (and hasn't had whatsapp group chats the entire time hes been there) but weve had about 6 parent emails about bullying on whatsapp groups being rife. One year 8 was involved in revenge porn and circulated around a school group with over 80 students in it.

So its not worth it in my opinions!