To be pissed at DP's long hours in new job

[ellie09]

Hi all

My DP recently started a new job. Really big opportunity and quite a big pay bump and he seems to really enjoy it.

However, its a month in, and even though his hours are 9am-5pm, he is voluntarily working so many additional hours that its starting to get a bit irritating (he hasnt been asked to)

We would be sitting down for dinner and he's brought his laptop down to the table, and it just sits open.

I ask him to help me with dinner/cleaning after work at 5:30pm or after and he's accompanied by his laptop.

He will work on for hours. I have just went upstairs and he still has his work laptop open at 11pm!

I have asked him about this and he says he's just "trying to make a good impression at the start".

AIBU? To me, making a good impression is just doing a good job during your work hours (as I think it shows good time management skills) and now and again, staying on 30-60 mins extra for projects or catching up etc.

If I see him again walking round the house attached to that laptop I fear I will lose the plot! Cant even have a conversation with him as he's zoned out

When I took a big promotion I had to do this just to get on top of the work and what I needed to know. It was such a jump it was like I was a brand new starter. It's really tough when everyone around you knows what they're doing and you're floundering. It was 3-6 months of that before I could revert to mostly normal hours. I think you're being unreasonable - in a long relationship there are times when you have to be the supportive one picking up the slack for a while, you're a lower priority for now but if he's usually a decent partner then that's just how it is for this period. If nothing has changed by summer that's time for a big talk.

I haven't voted, as it is an "it depends" situation.

Some jobs do come with an expectation for being available.
Many jobs have an expectation that people will work 'to get the job done' rather than 'in set hours'.
Sometimes, when you are doing something new, it takes you a while to get on board with systems and language and procedures, and, if in a new job, I'd put the hours in to make sure I hit the ground running too.
Presumably there will be some training and induction to do and it is understandable he doesn't want to get behind with other things whilst doing those.

My dh is decades into his career, but now is a busy time for deadline, and he was working until about 11pm tonight. He doesn't do that throughout the year, but deadlines are deadlines.

So I'm leaning towards YABU. It sounds like he is enjoying it and full of enthusiasm.
It doesn't sound like an issue where he is ducking out of childcare responsibilities (I'm assuming you would have said), so I'd let him settle, then discuss it in a month or two once there is more of a regular pattern.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable here, as it’s a new and presumably highly paid job.

He obviously doesn’t want to let himself down, but he also needs to be careful that he doesn’t set a precedent as it could always be expected of him.

Sounds pretty normal to me. Well paid jobs are definitely not usually just 9-5pm.

DH worked the UK and US shift for many years in his tech job. It meant we rarely had an evening together, but it allowed him to shoot up the ranks. So it was worth it - even though technically not contracted, it was what you needed to do to succeed in that organisation.

I would set a hard limit of no laptops during dinner or until the clear up has been finished.

I'd also try to book in one date night a week that you can have the whole evening together. When we started this it was really nice and appreciated.

Then I'd just support him. In the same way I would want to be supported if I was in a similar position.

Big caveat is with kids - he needs to be present for them and find more balance.

Big pay bump and opportunity probably equals responsibility and he is in charge of something or someone and something will be reliant on him delivering.
he needs to get up to speed 9-5 will be doing (winging) the job, the rest of it in his own time is learning the job.
It takes time, cut him some slack
you sound a bit incompatible tbh

Depends how much he's earning.

How much does he earn? It’s all relative.

How much does he earn? What is his job? I am on 6 figures and it’s definitely not a normal hours kind of job. That said I don’t work after 7pm or weekends unless it’s an exception.

It would be very unusual for a well-paid job to have clearly defined hours. I’m afraid this sounds normal to me, especially in the early months of a new role.

He has to be careful what expectations he sets.

The work is infinite. Doing more of it doesn't get you any closer to finishing.

If he's reading up on practises/familiarising himself and that's only going to really need to be done this intensely once, then that's fine. If he's actually doing the day to day all evening too, then that burns you out.

I've had to stop doing that - people had come to expect instant responses 6am-10pm and it was tipping me over the edge. Now I've pulled back on that - fast responses, and nothing non-urgent outside of working hours.

As PP have said, IME well paid jobs are never neatly time bound (9-5:30 or similar). Having said that, its a skill in a well paid job to draw and maintain boundaries (within reason, exceptions always apply etc) which allow you to have a life.

He's just started. I also would be doing what he is doing to get to know the place, the work, systems. I would give him three months to get his feet under the table, and then if he hasn't spontaneously improved by that time, have a conversation about what you need.

Agree with other PP, it would be fine for you to set some boundaries right now, too: no laptop at the dinner table, present for the children when he's in the room, one date night, contributing to household chores. If he's doing all of that but also then working til 11 pm then roll with it while he settles in.

Depends on him walking round being all important and using it as an excuse to get out of home life, or he’s genuinely happy and loves his job and is enthusiastic.

i think you need to adjust and wait this out, id be happy as Larry if my DH was like this, i think hes lazy at his job and hes lost a few jobs and that creates more stress for me.

I’m always like this when I start a new job, especially leadership roles. You put a lot of hours in to make a good impression, and then you can step back a little once you feel confident in the role.

I agree in setting some boundaries like no laptops at dinner, but otherwise it seems relatively normal, and what would be expected with a high salary job.

Do you have DC?

If it’s a big money job and/or high level of responsibility then he is probably just getting up to speed and I think this is to be expected initially. Should settle in several months.

This would be absolutely normal for someone starting a senior role where I work.

I do the opposite - set the boundary from the start that I'm going to do a very good job during my working hours but working extra hours is by exception in a crisis. Works for me and my last three roles have been high earning senior roles. Generally once you set the expectation you’ll work all the hours god sends it’s very hard to pull back.

Is there perhaps someone he’s wanting to keep in touch with at his new place of work?

I think this is quite normal for work with greater pay or even merely greater opportunities to progress after a few years.

Many professional or graduate jobs have this expectation that your hours are defined by what you still have to get done that day and not your contract. My DH regularly works some hours in the weekend, and 9 hours daily. He might also have to take calls on holiday. His timings are determined by how quickly a deal needs to get done. When I worked a higher paid job I would usually work 8-30 to 6-00 or later if out and about and occasionally some time over weekends ( rare). My timings were determined on how quickly I could get to speak to people who might not be available to talk until the evening or where I was sent and how long it took to get back.

As long as he’s doing his share of chores and parenting etc then it’s fine.

It sounds like he’s just excited about his new role and wants to get ahead of himself so he’s not dropping the ball and making a good impression.

I definitely spend more hours in a new role to get my head around certain things and to make it easier on myself, not just to make a good impression.

He needs to be careful he’s not setting the expectations too high but that’s not your concern anyway.

YABU. I think this is the opposite to a thread where the husband is basically paid hourly but taking it upon himself to attend meetings and create work for himself that isn't necessary.
You mention a big opportunity and big pay rise, so to me that is going to require him to work hard and longer hours. As many people have said in the first month he is likely to need to do training and learn new systems.
I always feel this is where people sometimes have to compromise - high salary jobs require effort and long hours whereas working in lower paid jobs means you might not work so many hours but then have more free time (but no money to do anything in it!).

I am not on a high salary/senior job but am taking on a new role and as it’s something I’ve never done before I do spend some time reading up around it in the evenings so I’m not struggling to keep my head above the water when I actually start.

Once I’m more confident at it and I’ve proven myself then I won’t need to do this.

I used to be a teacher though so evening work was pretty standard.

If this is a good opportunity, of course he wants to get up to speed as fast as possible. I suspect things will calm down after a few months

Another depends here.
H is in decent salary job and is looking to go up to the next band skills (and pay bump) rise. Which means long hours at a laptop, he’s not even getting back until around 10pm ish office days.

If you want the money, and the potential of more money, as a household you both need to put in longer hours, him at a laptop you at home. Or both at a laptop and more paid help at home.

It’s just how it is for everyone.

Depends what the job is.
highly paid jobs in many private sectors are absolutely not 9-5 jobs, there is expectation to be available way outside these hours and I can’t believe you didn’t know that, have you lived under a rock?
there absolutely no angle “show your good time management skills by finishing at 5”.
There are obviously time management and prioritisation skills necessary but they are not tied to 5 pm finish

Do you also work?