To be pissed at DP's long hours in new job

[ellie09]

Hi all

My DP recently started a new job. Really big opportunity and quite a big pay bump and he seems to really enjoy it.

However, its a month in, and even though his hours are 9am-5pm, he is voluntarily working so many additional hours that its starting to get a bit irritating (he hasnt been asked to)

We would be sitting down for dinner and he's brought his laptop down to the table, and it just sits open.

I ask him to help me with dinner/cleaning after work at 5:30pm or after and he's accompanied by his laptop.

He will work on for hours. I have just went upstairs and he still has his work laptop open at 11pm!

I have asked him about this and he says he's just "trying to make a good impression at the start".

AIBU? To me, making a good impression is just doing a good job during your work hours (as I think it shows good time management skills) and now and again, staying on 30-60 mins extra for projects or catching up etc.

If I see him again walking round the house attached to that laptop I fear I will lose the plot! Cant even have a conversation with him as he's zoned out

What do you and what does he do?

My DH and I need to be "on" and contactable across multiple timezones.
I was working from 9-10pm last night after both kids went to sleep this is absolutely normal in our house.

My.DH is often proofing decks or writing non urgent emails between 9-10 weeknights.

Occasionally we do a few hours on weekends

I’d draw the line at the laptop during meal times so from that perspective you are not being unreasonable. Tbh if he’s just started a new job and it’s a much bigger role there will probably be a lot he needs to get his head around and perhaps training to be done. If he’s earning a good six figure salary it’s a given he won’t be working the standard 9-5. My husband is in an exec role, is contracted to 37 hours per week but given he has a global role is on call 24/7 and regularly works 50 hours per week. His pay reflects the responsibility. It’s normal for professional senior roles.

If he is doing this to get up to speed with his new role, then fair enough.

If he is doing it to make a good impression at the start but intends to go back to more normal work hours at some point, you might want to remind him that when he does that it will probably be seen as him slacking off and possibly losing interest in the job. That will negate all the effort he has put in.

Also, if it is a work laptop his employer may have a monitoring system which records when he is active. If he is working these long hours to keep on top of his work (rather than just learning the new role) then they might question his ability if he cannot do what needs to be done in the normal working day, which presumably predecessors have.

Do you have any kids together? If he's skipping out on helping with them i can see how its annoying, but as others have said expecting him to be ridged in a 9-5 isnt realistic (having laptop out at dinner table is shit in all circumstances)

However if its a case of you are just a bit bored and want his undivided attention i think you need to get him some slack and be a bit more supportive of his new job.

What do you do for a living?

I actually sympathise with you here. I am currently in the same situation with 2 children with SEN. We had a great work-life balance before with his previous job but taking a higher paid - much longer working hours is having such an impact at home as we now don't see him much (1 day a week if we are lucky) No afternoons or mornings.

I can't seem to ever spend time with him without him answering calls and being on the laptop, everything is now focused around his work. Granted - he's happy and I am happy for him too, just me and the kids are finding it really difficult to adjust.

It may take some time? - but you're not wrong in how you're feeling. My only advice is to speak about how you feel with him, and to give it time.

I think you’re being unreasonable, as this is a new role with a significant pay increase so I’d personally want to show willing too. Mealtimes is fair enough to draw a boundary. Do you work yourself, OP? What’s the kid situation like? All of these are relevant factors.

YANU it’s a new job and he’s probably got a lot to learn and trying to get up to speed.
Maybe see if he can agree to have one or two days where he finishes on time, but give him a break for now.
If it really drives you mental arrange to go out a couple of times and let him do dinner, clear up and kid routine. Force him off the laptop!