Husband meeting someone else

[UnhappyScroller]

Long story. I've worked a challenging and time consuming job for years thinking I was going the right thing to provide stability and a future for my family (husband & 2 teenagers). Last October I find out hubby has been meeting up with a woman behind my back. I caught them a few times, nothing other than a "friendly" meeting up it would appear. My reaction was one of devastation, both them could see that. I've begged him to stop "being friends " with her but he blames me gor his loneliness (my job). He swears there's never been anything else. NYE she rung him needing his help in an emergency, he went to help her. They share a common interest and I have "agreed" that he can continue with this as long as he's open about it. I thought I could handle it but I can't. Mentally and physically I'm in a real mess. Am I right in thinking that she clearly wants more? I think he's flattered by her attention. AIBU to believe that this is a non-negotiable?

Darling, wake up and smell the coffee.

Is it a non negotiable for you? As in are you willing to walk away if she is more important to him than you are?

Why do you think she wants more and not your husband? Ultimately it doesn’t matter if she wants more, it only matters if he does. It comes down to trust.

Morning OP .
Well it’s wrong & I can’t imagine anyone coming on here saying it’s fine .
You need to stop blaming yourself for this , saying you caused this because you work too much .
Did he speak to you explaining he feels lonely ?.
I know it may not be sexual between them yet but it’s certainly on that path .
It’s ridiculous of him to expect you to be ok with this .
I do feel this will end in tears if he continues to see her .
Can you get through to him , do you think ?
Are you both still attracted to one another ?

He went to her home on NYE for an emergency!?
have some self respect, dump him and start negotiating your divorce
you work and he’s blaming you for his affair - and it is an affair -
what a weak, pathetic man
you’re worth a lot more

It’s never middle-aged Keith with a bald spot and a collection of top gear magazines these husbands want to hang out with in their ‘wife-induced loneliness’ is it? Funny that.

How much do you work? Do you spend quality time with your DH and DC? There's no point in building for a future if you have no opportunity to enjoy the present and invest in your relationship. Are you working too much or is it an excuse he is using?

DARVO

Why is it your fault? Oh you went out to work and he was so lonely, of course he sought solace in another woman (not a hobby or a friend?).

Hes a prick, he might not have stuck his dick in her yet but thats not where the bar should be set. At the very least, hes having an emotional affair. At the very least he places her comfort over yours because he continues to see her when youve expressed that youre uncomfortable with their relationship.

That alone is enough to say; his heart isnt with you.

How did he meet her? And have you met her? Does she know he’s married? If you say “I don’t feel comfortable with this” that should be enough.

So he spent NYE with her,under the guise of helping a damsel in distress.

This. It's hilarious how some posters on here appear to be convinced of the utter desirability of their husbands.

So sorry OP but he has made it very clear his relationship with her is more important than your marriage.Why should you have to tolerate him running off to seek validation from his OW?

Your h is having an affair in plain sight and is gaslighting the fuck out of you.

Just because they are not having sex (yet), it doesn't mean you have to be okay with their relationship. This is an affair, even if not a sexual affair.

But you don't have the power to make him stop. Even if he agreed to stop, he could still carry on being friends (i.e. having this emotional affair) with her behind your back, which seems to be what is already happening.

Ultimately, you have to either let him go ahead and let this relationship work itself out, hoping he comes back to you in the end, or you have to divorce him.
Some women tolerate affairs, believing that he will always come back.
Others don't tolerate it, and go for divorce.

You can’t just label every friendship between men and women an emotional affair. The op herself states the chat is nothing romantic. This isn’t two people declaring romantic interest or love, this is two friends form what we can see/
. That is not an emotional affair.

He chose to go to her home on NYE.
It may not be for you, but for many people NYE is second only to Valentine's day (and birthdays) as a time for spending with your romantic partner.

👆 Possibly this.
OP, the way you describe it sounds like it's heading towards affair territory, but it could simply be a friendship. I have about an equal number of male and female friends who I would help out in an emergency, and who I meet up with regularly. None of them are on my 'want to shag' radar.

sure but the op didn’t say when on nye, could have been 9am for all we know and that he didn’t spend time with the op as you’re insinuating.

Feels like a reverse this.

For me, it's the fact he kept it secret initially 'behind your back' and you 'caught' them. If it's all so friendly and normal, it should be with your knowledge and agreement. My dh has a female friend he meets up with occasionally, similar interests etc, but I always know when that happens and I can go along if I want to and if I do she's always pleased to see me.

What makes you think its her who wants more? In these 'friendships' it's very often the other way round and the man is being a friend to a woman because HE wants more. Not always of course, but sufficiently often for it to be a pattern whereby a man is more likely to have an ulterior motive.
I'm not sure practically what you can do, given he's not going to stop to reassure you. Your only options really are to either keep your fingers crossed it is, and stays, platonic, or issue an ultimatum and mean it.
No one on here can with any credibility, reassure you its fine and OK. Because anyone who says this has no idea how two strangers feel about each other, and what they say or do in private where there is no trace of their conversation. Equally, no one knows for sure they're not platonic. That's the problem really and why its so hard to decide what to do.

And since you sound very capable and probably out earn him, drop him like a hot potato.

No we didn't spend quality time with each other due yo my work. I've now left my work as it was totally killing me.

It was at 3pm. He was consequently late for an evening at a friend's house.

She is vulnerable (coming out of a nasty divorce apparently). What sort of woman knowingly meets up with a married man when clearly his wife is unaware though? I don't know what their conversations are as I barely know her. But in a role reversal if it was distressing my husband this much, i know what I would do. He's not even known her for a year, we've been together over 20.