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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to put my child in full time pre-school even if I don’t need to?

31 replies

Bee16 · 26/01/2026 07:46

My child is 3 years old and currently attends nursery for 2 days a week 8am - 5pm. Grandparents then have him for 2 days a week and I work 4 days a week so we have a day together. From September (when he will be 3 years and 9 months) I was intending to enrol him at pre-school at the primary school he will be attending from September 2027. The hours would be 9am - 3pm.

I am due my second baby in a few months and intend to go back to work 4 days a week as I am now. My DH will be compressing his hours and also working 4 days a week. The plan was for us to each have a day in the week with the baby doing baby groups etc and each having some one-on-one time with the baby while my eldest is at nursery.

I’m having doubts now as I’ve had some comments recently saying it’s cruel to put him
in for 5 days when we only need childcare for 3 days and that 5 days is too much for him.

Is it unreasonable to put him in preschool for 5 days? Should I just choose 3 or 4 instead so he has a day or two in the week with us and his new sibling?

OP posts:
Caughtletren · 26/01/2026 07:47

Who the heck made these comments??

TwinklyPlumOrca · 26/01/2026 07:52

You'll never get this time back when they're so young and every day they are learning and changing.

Personally I'd choose 4 days max (same as now) and let little one enjoy a day with you and their younger sibling. Yes, it'll be much harder on you having to juggle both kids but once that time is gone and they are starting proper school (next year?), you won't have the option again.

At 3 my little one did 4 days at nursery for those same hours of pre-school and we did one day together with new sibling. It was the best balance. Good luck with your decision

Allswellthatendswelll · 26/01/2026 07:54

Loads of people have their oldest in nursery for 10 hours a day when they have a second. Preschool hours are much shorter. Your husband can take the older one to the park at 3, especially as the summer comes.

DS was in preschool 4 days at 3 and 9 months when I had DD but was in school from just over 4, 5 days a week.

Kiwi09 · 26/01/2026 07:56

Mine did this and went 5 days a week 8:45am-3:25pm. My eldest was a summer born boy so young for his year group too. I was a SAHM while they were at primary as well. All the children locally did this so if I’d kept them home they’d have had no one to play with and they were use to seeing other children every day at playgroups. I got the shopping and housework done during the week so we could do fun stuff as a family at the weekends.

lazyarse123 · 26/01/2026 07:56

I'm not really a fan of putting kids in childcare/nursery whatever just so you can have time without them. I suppose it's fair enough if you're run ragged and not coping but you haven't said that might be the case.
I know it's often the done thing now but you have to do what suits you and not what anyone thinks.

CactusSwoonedEnding · 26/01/2026 08:02

Yanbu at all, it it works best for you to have the 3yo in nursery 5 days that's totally fine. He'll be in school 5 days a week next year anyway. However if it were me, I would be considering making his nursery day a half day on the two days where DH or you aren't working, so you have half the day 1:1 with the baby and half the day with both of them. Only if that would be fun for everyone though.

ClaraThePigeon · 26/01/2026 08:03

I’ll never understand parents who seemingly want to pretend that their firstborn doesn’t exist when they have a second. You can’t expect it to be exactly like having your first child and have your undivided attention when there’s a sibling. He’s no less important than the baby and I’d want to work on building their bond and making him feel loved and secure as a new baby can be hard on siblings even if you do everything “right” to reduce the risk of resentment. He’s likely to need you more than ever. I’d do 3 days or 4 at most.

Itwasntme101 · 26/01/2026 08:04

I don't think it's cruel, if it really bothers you though does the preschool do half days and would they let you do 3 full days and 2 half days so you get the morning to do baby groups etc and the afternoon with both?

Caughtletren · 26/01/2026 08:05

ClaraThePigeon · 26/01/2026 08:03

I’ll never understand parents who seemingly want to pretend that their firstborn doesn’t exist when they have a second. You can’t expect it to be exactly like having your first child and have your undivided attention when there’s a sibling. He’s no less important than the baby and I’d want to work on building their bond and making him feel loved and secure as a new baby can be hard on siblings even if you do everything “right” to reduce the risk of resentment. He’s likely to need you more than ever. I’d do 3 days or 4 at most.

If you have a daughter / DIL…. Keep this little nugget to yourself @ClaraThePigeon

Although I would guess your cats bum expression will give it away

ClaraThePigeon · 26/01/2026 08:10

Caughtletren · 26/01/2026 08:05

If you have a daughter / DIL…. Keep this little nugget to yourself @ClaraThePigeon

Although I would guess your cats bum expression will give it away

Show quote history

It’s a forum called AIBU so I’ll post whatever I feel like thank you very much to the self appointed thread police. I genuinely do not understand it. If you are really struggling with your mental health then that’s different, it can be a genuinely good and helpful idea for the Mother and child or to keep a nursery place, that makes sense but it’s utterly bizarre to me to send a sibling away to nursery more than usual as though they’re an inconvenience. It’s not feasible to expect it to be the same with one child as it is with two. And building the sibling bond matters also. Fine to send them some days and keep some routine and let them enjoy the activities if they’re around this age but to increase it?

FuzzyWolf · 26/01/2026 08:13

Plenty of people have that age child, and much younger, in nursery for 12 hrs a day, five days a week all year round.

You do what works for your family and don’t feel guilt tripped by others who are probably trying to justify their own actions by criticising you as much as anything else.

Momrage · 26/01/2026 08:21

Not cruel. But you and baby might actually enjoy having both more than you realise.

I'm coming to the end of my second mat leave and for the first 6 months I was able to reduce DC1 to 3 half days. Which was the minimum to hold his place. It was actually lovely. And I've noticed a shift in DC1 going back to full days, he's seems more easily upset and regressed with potty training, but nursery wouldn't hold his place longer once the new 30 hours kicked in.

Totally understandable that you'd want some one on one time. Could DC1 do half days on the added days? You get a morning with baby and then early pick up for DC1 so they're not left out.

Although it can be a bit disruptive and knackering for DC2 when we're on the toddlers time, I do think they actually miss when they're not here. So far DCs get on really well too, which I think that 6 month period has helped.

Going back we'll each have DCs solo one weekday. Its going to hit DH like a truck 😅 but he'll figure it out and I'm sure will learn to love the chaos. The only thing that really suffered was the housework, but fuck it - it's a short time. I'll have a tidy house one day, right?!

Thedefault · 26/01/2026 08:22

I don't think it is cruel at all but it may be tiring for DC, they will be more likely to pick up bugs the more they are there and it is time you cannot get back, eldest will soon be in full time school. Plus if you are taking maternity leave baby will be older and they msy play together making things easier for you. How about putting him in until lunch time on your day off and doing classes in the morning?

TheBlueKoala · 26/01/2026 08:30

That depends. Do you enjoy spending time with him? If not he would be better off in preschool. He might feel that his younger sibling has "taken his place" though. I know mine was very upset because him starting school coincided with the arrival of his sibling. Up until then he had me to himself as I was a sahm. I def don't regret all the time we spent together and I think it laid the foundation for our relationship.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2026 08:35

I would have at least one day with my child as they grow up so fast. I always had a Wednesday off with my daughter until school. When on mat leave I took my son out of paid nursery until school and it was nice to have that time. They are young adults now.

HisNotHes · 26/01/2026 08:35

Yes I think Yabu. I kept mine in nursery for 3 short days per week when I was on mat leave for various reasons - keep their routine to some extent, keep nursery place open, allow one-on-one time with new baby. But I would never have had eldest in 5 days if it wasn’t necessary, little children do benefit from more time at home with a parent if possible.

sittingonabeach · 26/01/2026 08:48

What will you do during school holidays? DS did pre school full time when I worked 4 days a week (previously did 4 days a week in childcare nursery) as he really enjoyed it and as it was slightly more structured it meant he didn’t miss out on any activities they were doing. However, I was lucky that my job changed so I was able to have the holidays with him.

Plantlady10 · 26/01/2026 08:55

Could you do half days instead? Of course its up to you, but my eldest does mornings at preschool and it feels the best of both worlds - I get that break/he has fun at nursery (and gets used to the school environment) then we get the afternoons together. Though I had nearly a year with my eldest and youngest at home full time before my eldest was old enough for the free hours, and honestly it is fine - a baby doesnt really need much 'one to one' time and it meant we could have really lazy mornings as we didnt need to be going out anywhere, and fun family outings in the week when places are less busy

Caughtletren · 26/01/2026 08:56

ClaraThePigeon · 26/01/2026 08:10

It’s a forum called AIBU so I’ll post whatever I feel like thank you very much to the self appointed thread police. I genuinely do not understand it. If you are really struggling with your mental health then that’s different, it can be a genuinely good and helpful idea for the Mother and child or to keep a nursery place, that makes sense but it’s utterly bizarre to me to send a sibling away to nursery more than usual as though they’re an inconvenience. It’s not feasible to expect it to be the same with one child as it is with two. And building the sibling bond matters also. Fine to send them some days and keep some routine and let them enjoy the activities if they’re around this age but to increase it?

Edited
Show quote history

You don’t have children do you @ClaraThePigeon ? So thankfully no dd or DIL will experience your judgement

Caughtletren · 26/01/2026 08:57

First thing you need to do op is distance yourself from people in RL saying you’re cruel

Allswellthatendswelll · 26/01/2026 09:00

ClaraThePigeon · 26/01/2026 08:03

I’ll never understand parents who seemingly want to pretend that their firstborn doesn’t exist when they have a second. You can’t expect it to be exactly like having your first child and have your undivided attention when there’s a sibling. He’s no less important than the baby and I’d want to work on building their bond and making him feel loved and secure as a new baby can be hard on siblings even if you do everything “right” to reduce the risk of resentment. He’s likely to need you more than ever. I’d do 3 days or 4 at most.

I get this if you have a two year old in full-time nursery (although the language is a bit ott) but at almost 4 they are almost at school. DS has been at school for half my mat leave. We did do 4 days at preschool for a term and then six weeks of summer holidays! I'd do 4 days if possible but 9-3 is hardly ignoring your older child.

Runnersandtoms · 26/01/2026 09:16

As someone rapidly approaching an empty nest I'd say if you don't need to use external childcare then make the most of the chance to have them home with you. While it's nice to have some one on one time with the new baby, the older sibling also needs one on one time with you, and to spend time with their sibling. This time when they are little goes by so fast and once they get to school you see even less of them. It's an adjustment, and hard work having two little ones at home (I had two under 2) but it's also the most precious of times.

Original poster
Bee16 · 26/01/2026 09:24

Thanks everyone, definitely seems like there’s mixed opinions on this. My reasoning for thinking 5 days initially was that he’ll be nearly 4 and I know many kids start reception at just 4, so thought he’d be ready and it would be good for him. I also enjoyed having the day together when he was small and wanted the same with DC2 doing more baby focussed things.

Somebody asked about school holidays and I’m planning on returning to work after maternity leave part year - not fully term time but between my unpaid weeks and mine/DH’s annual leave we’d have all school holidays covered.

I definitely don’t want him to feel pushed out by his new sibling or left out of activities. He’s a great little boy and I love spending time with him. I’m not trying to get rid of him or replace him with the new baby.

I like the suggestion of doing 3 full days and 2 mornings on the days me and DH are off so I might see if that’s possible. Or I might just put him in 4 days and keep him at home on my day off. We have another month or so before I need to apply for his place so still a bit of time to decide.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 26/01/2026 09:30

Bee16 · 26/01/2026 09:24

Thanks everyone, definitely seems like there’s mixed opinions on this. My reasoning for thinking 5 days initially was that he’ll be nearly 4 and I know many kids start reception at just 4, so thought he’d be ready and it would be good for him. I also enjoyed having the day together when he was small and wanted the same with DC2 doing more baby focussed things.

Somebody asked about school holidays and I’m planning on returning to work after maternity leave part year - not fully term time but between my unpaid weeks and mine/DH’s annual leave we’d have all school holidays covered.

I definitely don’t want him to feel pushed out by his new sibling or left out of activities. He’s a great little boy and I love spending time with him. I’m not trying to get rid of him or replace him with the new baby.

I like the suggestion of doing 3 full days and 2 mornings on the days me and DH are off so I might see if that’s possible. Or I might just put him in 4 days and keep him at home on my day off. We have another month or so before I need to apply for his place so still a bit of time to decide.

Edited

One thing to double check is that your employer and your DH’s are happy for you to take your leave in the school holidays as in some places, those days are fought over and not everyone can have their first choice of days off.

VikaOlson · 26/01/2026 09:30

Will the school let you do part time hours?