Who is BU here, me or DH?

[Samuelthespaniel]

Struggling to work out whether I’m overreacting or my husband is being inconsiderate. Basically had an argument over something small that turned into a bigger tiff

We agreed to go for a walk together after dinner. We had dinner and it was about 6:30. I said shall we go and he said he was watching something first, I said ok shall we do 7? He agreed. 7 comes and goes, he says let’s go at 7:15. Ok I say, 7:15. 7:15 comes and he still isn’t ready. I ask how much longer and he says the tv programme isn’t over til 8 and I said sod it I’ll go myself so I went out. I phoned him after about 10 mins asking if he’s sure he doesn’t want to join as I wasn’t too far from home, he said not unless I come back for him. It’s getting quite dark at this point so I said I’ll carry on. But I was a bit surprised he wasn’t worried about me being out in the dark on my own as well.

When I came home I told him I was disappointed that he wasn’t ready for when we agreed. He said if I let him finish his sentence he would have said he was just getting changed and lost track of time and he would be ready in 5 minutes but I stormed off. He said as I didn’t have any other plans this evening it shouldn’t matter whether we got at 7, half 7 or even 8pm as it’s not like we made commitments to meet anyone or be anywhere and that my time isn’t that important that we have to leave at that exact minute and that I need to be more flexible. Whereas I think if you say you’ll be ready for a certain time, you should be ready for a certain time, otherwise what’s the point of agreeing a time in the first place? Or is this no longer a thing??

Just feeling a bit miffed especially as he said he’s not apologising for that as being late for a walk is ridiculous and that I’m coming across as controlling. Or am I just a stickler for timing? Also he asked if I was going for a shower because I had been on 3 walks today and I smell a bit, so that was charming!

Why so many walks??

Well aside from his horrible remark about you going for a shower, which was just nasty, I think you're both being a bit silly.

Yeah this would have wound me up OP. I hate hanging around for an unknown period of time, would rather crack on and do whatever was planned at the time we planned it. The shower comment sounds mean. Does he often insult you?

No he doesn’t to be fair, I hadn’t showered since yesterday and I had also walked yesterday but I didn’t feel sweaty or anything

Trying to get a bit fitter!

If the agreement was to go at 7 he should be ready to go at 7. It’s unreasonable for you to sit and wait until he is ready. If he loves flexibility he should be flexible. He is not unreasonable to not be concerned about you going alone in the dark as that was your choice. You were unreasonable to phone him, you made your choice about going alone. I can understand him not wanting to have to catch you up. His excuse about him “if you’d waited” was nonsense. He could have told you that at any point and you’d have waited. The stinking comment was him being a dick.

It all sounds like a petty spat. Just agree next time that if you plan to go somewhere you set a time and stick to it.

I often walk 3 times a day. It's great exercise 😀

I think he'd being a twat. By getting you to wait half an hour, then 15 min, then 45 min, it doesn't give you chance to get stuck into anything else while you wait, as you feel there's no point, and it doesn't give you the chance to make choices that you would have made if he had been up front anout the time he was free to start (eg go for a walk in the light by yourself instead). Saying your time isn't important is quite disrespectful. His behaviour meant you basically wasted a fair chunk of your evening just waiting for him to be ready then change the goalposts. Not cool.

Also "as it’s not like we made commitments to meet anyone or be anywhere and that my time isn’t that important that we have to leave at that exact minute and that I need to be more flexible" so he would be on time for someone else but not for you?

Lastly the flexibility thing is meant to be when you're making plans, or if things go wrong when you've made plans and have to change (eg you agreed to go a walk and then it started chucking it down). No one should have to be flexible because someone else is just dicking around with their plans for no real reason, at the exact time they're meant to be happening

I think you both sound ridiculous tbh. Not very nice of him to leave you waiting. Storming off is childish. Phoning sounds a bit controlling.

nothing wrong with the shower question though. If you hadn’t had a shower since the day before it could well have been that you weren’t very fresh. I wouldn’t be offended if my hubby asked me if I was going to have a shower.

I'm gobsmacked at some of the comments. If I agree to do something I don't mind a ten to fifteen minute delay but otherwise the person keeping me waiting will know about it. If that makes me childish or petty what does it say about the person disrespecting my time?

He might have been annoying but you felt and still rang him (completely excessive) and then complain he wasn't worried about you being in the dark and alone (why on earth should he be worried - if you were, you shouldn't have gone).

You also decided you want to do more walks to get fitter. He didn't.

While I think he's wrong, you do sound a little naggy and exhausting.

The shower comment, was however, veey rude and childish.

None of it sounds worth falling out over.

If you wanted to go for a walk with your husband, probably worth waiting for him.

It's not a huge deal, is it? Not like you had got cinema tickets or something.... I would have waited if I were you, OR gone out on my own if I was happy to do so, but no aggro either way.

His comment about you being sweaty however is a little out of order, in my book. He's your lover, presumably he is used too your body in all kinds of states. It's not like you were proposing going out for a meal in an expensive restaurant - or indeed, being round other people at all. I have no issues with a partner being a bit sweaty when they are just around me, and I would be offended if they commented on my own sweat, if all we were doing was going for a walk together.

Just a thought - does he have an issue with you trying to get fitter? I know some men can - does it make him feel a little insecure maybe?

It all sounds a bit daft to me. He could and should have communicated better but it sounds like he cba and should have just been honest. You were quite within your rights to go solo but were disappointed that he didnt coming trotting out after you copped a strop and then go both got into a weird power play where he wanted you to go back and you wanted him to catch you up. Its also pretty needy to stoem out in the dark on your own by your own choice and then be narky that he isnt bothered youre out in the dark - youre a grown woman and it was your choice. Tbh youre both being ridiculous - you must see that, surely?

Thanks for your perspective. No, the shower comment was after I’d already come home and was sitting on our bed and it probably looked like I was going to bed without showering for the second day in a row.

He goes to the gym four days a week so I don’t think so. And I’m a size 8 trying to get back into my size sixes again so it wouldn’t be too drastic a change and he’s seen me at both sizes. I think it was more to do with that he can’t understand why I have to go at 7:15 on the button when we have the whole evening and no plans so why can’t we go whenever.

It all sounds too complicated to me, it feels very robotic i know there was agreement but my husband and I make a loose agreement one of us forgets or doesn't feel like it the other has a grumble we move on

If i wanted a walk i would mentioned i will go in 10 mins or whatever join me or not and just went on my own

He’s an idiot. He should have just said “Actually go on without me, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with this program and I’ve got to finish it.” It’s rude to let you wait around on him when he’d obviously changed his mind.

The bathing comment was fair given your description. You absolutely need to bathe daily, full stop. Even if hanging around not exerting yourself, because our bodies produce oils and other secretions constantly. If you’ve walked you will smell sour and gross. If you’ve walked three times I’m afraid to say you will reek of sour stale sweat.

Are you in the UK?

Only, if so, I am a bit mystified why you would wait until after dinner before going for a walk. It wasn't the greatest day, weather -wise, but surely a walk is more fun in the daylight.

I like a walk. But I wouldn't be allowed that keen to go out in the cold and dark after my Sunday dinner

YANBU. I have a friend who does this and it annoys me. You didn’t have anything else to do so could have gone at any time, BUT the point is that because a time had been agreed, you were just hanging around waiting. You didn’t start watching a TV show or tidying up or whatever because you thought you were going out.

The comment about the shower is just pathetic.

All sounds a bit petty on both sides and I'd be saying "look, sorry we fell out over that", and expecting him to say the same back.

However I find it bizarre that you'd expect him to be worried about you being out alone after dark. You're a grown adult and It wasn't even 8pm! I mean, it's dark at 4 in midwinter - should he worry about you being out at 4?

6 of one, half a dozen of the other

It sounds like you finished eating and went "OK let's go walking" whilst he wanted to wait a bit

When it got to 7 and he said it would be another 15 minutes you should have said "OK, 15 minutes and then I'm going"

If he wasn't ready, you either go alone or, if he says he'll be 5 minutes, firmly say "5 minutes. I told you I was going now."

Choosing to strop out and then call him and then moan about him not coming to protect you because it was dark was all childish

His comment about your time was badly worded but I get his point. "My time is important and I could have done some jobs at home had I known how long it would be" is an answer

Regarding the showering - it was a little childish but MNers are always advocating for telling your children (and partner!) they stink and absolutely must shower

i really don't think it's something to argue about, if we had agreed 7pm, and he wasn't ready I would just go without him without any fuss.

Some very weird comments on the thread OP.

I would have been extremely exasperated by his, quite frankly, rude and inconsiderate behaviour.

If he wanted to watch the TV programme he should have just told you he hd changed his mind about going and told you to go by yourself. Instead he just messed you about.

It sounds as though he doesnt think.you are important otherwise he wouldn't tell you one thing and do another.

And the shower comment was downright nasty.

Your H doesn't come out of this very well at all OP.

Agree with all this.

You both sound a bit childish. He should have just said "actually I can't be arsed to go any more", and/or you should have said "if you can't be arsed I'll just go on my own"

You shouldn't have rang him, that's weird, he told you he wanted to watch something till 8. You shouldn't pretend to be scared of the dark when you decided to go out. He shouldn't pretend that he was about to leave when he wasn't. All the pretending and skirting around rather than being direct is what's childish.

Agree with @Patchworkquilts . If you've been for 3 walks today and also exercised yday and appear to be getting into bed it's not unreasonable to ask if you're going to shower. I rely on my DH as an honest artiber of when I stink or have greasy hair (and I happily repay the favour to him)

Considering you had been on walks day before and not showered and gone to bed then 3 weeks the next day and were sitting on the bed. I don't think his comment is that mean. I'd be grossed out the day before, let alone the day after I would have changed the bedsheets. Doesn't matter if you think you were sweaty or not.

On the walking bit. While I do agree when you agree a time that's the time, I also think when it's just you and your partner and there are no real plans for the rest of the day then if you really want him with you then you wait for him. Especially as you had already done two walks that day. 🤷‍♀️ So in this case I do think you are being ott. But tbf he wasn't bothered either it seems so not even worth having a tat over something so mundane.