Who is BU here, me or DH?

[Samuelthespaniel]

Struggling to work out whether I’m overreacting or my husband is being inconsiderate. Basically had an argument over something small that turned into a bigger tiff

We agreed to go for a walk together after dinner. We had dinner and it was about 6:30. I said shall we go and he said he was watching something first, I said ok shall we do 7? He agreed. 7 comes and goes, he says let’s go at 7:15. Ok I say, 7:15. 7:15 comes and he still isn’t ready. I ask how much longer and he says the tv programme isn’t over til 8 and I said sod it I’ll go myself so I went out. I phoned him after about 10 mins asking if he’s sure he doesn’t want to join as I wasn’t too far from home, he said not unless I come back for him. It’s getting quite dark at this point so I said I’ll carry on. But I was a bit surprised he wasn’t worried about me being out in the dark on my own as well.

When I came home I told him I was disappointed that he wasn’t ready for when we agreed. He said if I let him finish his sentence he would have said he was just getting changed and lost track of time and he would be ready in 5 minutes but I stormed off. He said as I didn’t have any other plans this evening it shouldn’t matter whether we got at 7, half 7 or even 8pm as it’s not like we made commitments to meet anyone or be anywhere and that my time isn’t that important that we have to leave at that exact minute and that I need to be more flexible. Whereas I think if you say you’ll be ready for a certain time, you should be ready for a certain time, otherwise what’s the point of agreeing a time in the first place? Or is this no longer a thing??

Just feeling a bit miffed especially as he said he’s not apologising for that as being late for a walk is ridiculous and that I’m coming across as controlling. Or am I just a stickler for timing? Also he asked if I was going for a shower because I had been on 3 walks today and I smell a bit, so that was charming!

Considering you had been on walks day before and not showered and gone to bed then 3 weeks the next day and were sitting on the bed. I don't think his comment is that mean. I'd be grossed out the day before, let alone the day after I would have changed the bedsheets. Doesn't matter if you think you were sweaty or not.

On the walking bit. While I do agree when you agree a time that's the time, I also think when it's just you and your partner and there are no real plans for the rest of the day then if you really want him with you then you wait for him. Especially as you had already done two walks that day. 🤷‍♀️ So in this case I do think you are being ott. But tbf he wasn't bothered either it seems so not even worth having a tat over something so mundane.

It all sounds very silly - but he’s not wrong to ask you to have a shower!

Keeping you waiting was unreasonable. You shouldn’t have rang once you made the decision to go alone and it probably didn’t need further explanation he didn’t really want to go and you did so you went. His shitty comment about showering was out of order

Ringing 10 minutes into the walk is odd, he’s already said he’s watching something and you’ve left.

I have inherited poor heart health but have a much healthier lifestyle than my Mother who had already had 2 heart attacks by 60, which is the age I am almost at. I saw a cardiologist last week who praised me for my regular walks and said that walking was massively underrated and that too many people thought the gym was the only real exercise.

It would have annoyed me, plus could he not have recorded the programme.

Yabu about the shower thing. Its basic hygienez

You sound like hard work to me, frankly.

"I was a bit surprised he wasn’t worried about me being out in the dark on my own as well." - why should he be worried about you being outside alone at 8pm? Are you in an area that's rife for women being snatched from the streets on Sundays? All a bit dramatic, isn't it?

Just don’t make arrangements with him. Or say you’re leaving at 7 and if he wants to come then, fine. If not, no problem.

I don’t like it when you try to arrange things with people and they make their crapness your problem. And your fault.

out exercising then go to bed sweaty? Just no... then exercising again the next day without washing - thats minging. I wouldn't put up with anyone like that... surely your bed smells if you go to bed sweaty after a workout?

As for the walk, i think he's kind of right... you could have chivvied him along a bit. Maybe he felt there was nothing to rush for?

He’s an adult. Don’t baby him.

He sounds mildly irritating and dithery, but your need to have a schedule for a walk would annoy me. It's just an evening walk. I can see why he'd think it didn't really matter what time you went. You had no commitments and the entire evening.

If you were going to the cinema or had restaurant reservations then sure, he'd have been out of order, but I don't think most couples would plan a brief evening walk to the minute.

You sound like hard work. Phoning him after 10 minutes, when you'd already told him you were going on your own, was just needy and attention-seeking.

As for 'why wasn't he worried about me being out after dark' - you're a grown woman, for god's sake, surely you're capable of leaving the house after sundown without a chaperone. How would you manage to, eg, get home from work if you didn't?

Fair enough that he suggested you have a shower. I probably wouldn't have said anything if I were him, because I wouldn't really care if partner hadn't had a shower for 24 hours, but the standard advice for Mumsnetters whose male partners want to go to bed less than fragrant is 'He's a disgusting pig, just tell him he stinks, it's gross' so I assume most people are fussier than I am.

Given that you say it was only 'starting' to get dark when you were out around 8pm, I'm assuming you aren't in the UK and live somewhere warm, because here it's fully dark by 5pm in January, so if it's summer where you live you definitely need a shower after two days of multiple walks.

I’m a size 8 trying to get back into my size sixes again

Of course.

His excuses are nonsense - he wasn't just getting changed, was he? He was watching his programme. Which is fine - but he's being weird and obstructive about it. He could have just said no thanks, I've changed my mind and I want to watch this now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nothing wrong with asking about the shower in that context imo - if you were on the bed it's pretty reasonable to assume you were about to sleep in it!

Nb unless you're very short, why are you trying to lose weight at size 8??

He was in the wrong not to be ready to go when he said, and to drag it out and make you wait, instead of just telling you he'd changed his mind or he now wouldn't be ready to go until after 8pm. You were a little over the top expecting him to worry about you choosing to walk in the dark.

Mountain out of a molehill.
I wouldn't even worry about my teens being out in the dark at that time, never mind a fully grown adult.
It's annoying he wasn't ready. It is annoying if you want an easygoing Sunday but are being tied up with timings to go for walks that could wait.
I think you both just need to move on from it.