To spend more time with SD2 than SD1?

[CatherineFR]

I have two SDs. The younger shares some of my interests, is quite like me in temperament, and is a pleasure to be around. The eldest is a lovely girl, but we have very little in common and whilst I love her, I don’t find her as easy to be around.

A few months ago, I asked if they’d like to come to my Saturday morning yoga class with me (other kids attend but it’s taken seriously), and SD1 messed around and talked throughout it and mocked the teacher afterwards, then tried to get me to take her on a shopping trip afterwards.

SD2 asked if she could come again yesterday, so I took her and we had a lovely time. SD1 is now upset about it (she said she didn’t want to come yesterday) and wants to come whenever SD2 comes.

I don’t want to take her. AIBU?

Why have you left out their ages?

Because it’s not relevant? They’re 10 and 12.

You need to have a frank conversation but you can’t just not take her now she’s said she wants to come too. Tell her that her behaviour at the last session made you think she was uninterested in the yoga and if you want to keep coming then you need to take it seriously. Possibly offer to do something else with her instead that is more her interest? And see which option she chooses? Kids aren’t just convenient. Even with biological kids you will have more in common with one than another and you still need to offer your time equally.

Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in.

Ages are always relevant.

If for example they were 4 and 6, the mucking around would've been more understandable.

"Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in."

No you don't have to.

But you're going to have a very strained relationship with both of them as they get older, if you're only willing to do things that you're interested in.

I do loads with both of them, sometimes with DH and our son, and sometimes just the three of us. We cook together, I alternate with DH taking SD1 to her football games (SD2 tags along), I decorated their rooms with them, all of my holidays and most of my weekends are with them. SD1 is a much louder character than SD2, so often if we choose an activity or film or restaurant, it’s SD1’s choice.

I also work full-time and going to yoga a few times a week is “my time.”

I think only taking the one that actually wants to do yoga to your class is fine, but you should try your best to spend time with and have a good relationship with both, even if you find one easier to like. I think it's important not to let that show, and try and treat them as equally as you can.

What would you do if they were your biological children and you had different interests? You have to find a way to be fair to bith.

I’d take the one that would behave and enjoy it, and not take the one that wouldn’t. And I’d expect the other to accept no for an answer without sulking!

My own son would like to come, but I’ve said no, because he’s too young and it won’t be relaxing for me. I might change my mind when he’s older.

SD1 has a very dominant, extrovert attitude and likes to rule the roost, particularly over SD2. SD2 was thrilled to spend some individual time with me and do something without her sister.

Of course you don't need to take SD1. Presumably she'll be with her dad and brother while you're at yoga? And you don't need to offer her a trip or activity instead. Honestly.

I'd leave SD1 at home telling her that mocking the teacher and messing around isn't really getting the point of it so you can give her another chance next year.
Sounds like SD2 might flourish in an environment without her sister. You definitely do not have to feel guilty about it.

I guess it comes down to, if they were your bio kids you'd have to treat them equally, so why not extend that to your SDs. For example, my son loves tractors. I suspect he always will. I don't love them, but have I been to many tractor shows and watched hours of tractor ted? Yes I have, because he loves it and wants to share it with me

She blew her chance and considering her personality it’s nice for SD2 to get this time with you. There’s no need to reward bad behaviour.

If they were my kids, bio or not, I wouldn't be taking a 12 year old child who had been rude to the yoga teacher. If she can't behave properly she doesn't come. Only taking SD 1 isn't favouritism. It's teaching her that poor behaviour has consequences, and at 12 years of age she should understand what is acceptable and what isn't.

I treat them all fairly. This doesn’t always mean equally.

SD2 loves football. For the past six years I’ve spent countless hours on the muddy sidelines and feigning interest in matches on TV. I’ve bought her kit, I’ve played in the park, I’ve listened to her talk about it, I’ve often had it on the radio in my car. She’s not in any way disadvantaged or neglected because I don’t want to take her to yoga.

But yoga isn't a treat for SD2. It's something OP does, that SD2 also enjoys. OP is not obliged to find an equivalent for SD1 because it's not about fairness or treating them. It's very simple and everyone is making it more than it is.

Is it allowed to bring such young children who mess about to a yoga class?! Bet the other attendees loved that! I thought you were going to say they were mid teen minimum.

The teacher brings her own daughter (similar age) and it’s marketed as family yoga, but all the kids who do attend are very disciplined about it. I don’t want to bring SD1 who is showing me up, but SD2, who is quiet and respectful, is very welcome.

To be honest I think the tantrum yesterday was more because I took SD2 to brunch afterwards (I often go myself) than the yoga. But SD2 very rarely gets treats like that and SD1 often does after football. But taking SD1 out to that kind of thing isn’t fun to me because she’s often pushing for more - more expensive location, merch if we go to a branded coffee shop, to go to a clothes shop on the way home. She’s just generally pushy and it’s not a pleasant way to spend my morning.

Their mum is very “fair” meaning they both get treated exactly the same, all of the time, but I’m aware that this means SD1 gets whatever she wants, all of the time, because she’s so dominant over SD2. And they never get a break from each other.

You tell her she didn't enjoy it, It is YOUR activity that you pay for & she was misbehaved. You wont take her again until she learns to behave in public.
She can do something with her FATHER

I would tell her that the yoga teacher has banned her because of her bad behaviour last time annoyed the other class members who had paid to be there.

Moves the decision onto another person and makes her realise that she’s dealing with the consequences of her own actions.

I you faff around no you can't go. Carry on.

It’s your ‘thing’ which you have kindly extended an invite to DSDs to get involved in. DS2 meaningfully wants to get involved and DS1 took the piss when she went. Why should you have to organise a whole other activity for DSD1 that you don’t want to do, to compensate her for not wanting to be involved in your activity? Some precious parents get ‘fairness’ really twisted, especially when it’s step children.

One of my DC will come on runs with me and one doesn’t want to. I don’t feel the need to scrabble around to arrange a treat for him for not coming with us - the treat is not having to run!

I don’t think I’d say it needs to be even but every once in a while you should try to have 1:1 time. She might be easier without her sibling there too. So maybe every few months you take her ice skating or to a musical or out for brunch just on her own. But having a child who wants to tag along to something you’re doing anyway and being fair about it not being right for the older girl or your son seems fine to me.

I have two kids - my daughter loves musicals and theatre so we go a lot. My son hates it and stays home with my husband. Every once in a while I take him bowling or similar as he loves that.

I think it’s absolutely fine to take one and not the other. You don’t have to even it out with another activity. I guess if their mum treats them exactly the same at all times, that’s what they’re used to. At this age I would expect you to be able to explain that you do things slightly differently to their mum - you want to be fair but that doesn’t mean always being the same.

I would at some point give SD1 another chance. Explain the behaviour you expect and tell her she can have another chance but that if she can’t behave immaculately then she can’t come again. I would also be scrupulous about not showing your preference for SD2. It sounds like they really need to spend time separately so perhaps their dad needs to give that some thought.