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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your advice/ thoughts re my marriage

47 replies

Justrealised · 25/01/2026 19:55

Posting shamelessly for traffic. Need advice but won't get chance to duscuss in real life with people i trust for a few weeks.

We have two ds; one at uni and one with severe disabilities. We've been married over 20 years, i'm sah due to ds2's disabilities.

We married before we were both mature enough to understand what we were doing. I'm nc with my dm, dh has a complex relationship with his elderly relatives (low contact) and is an only child, we live about three hours drive away from them in decent driving conditions.

I've reached breaking point this week in my marriage. Dh's parents are hard work and have interferred since we got together, dfil goes out of his way to say cruel/ rude things whenever he can. Dh has sometimes stood up for me over the years and sometimes not- i've always stood up for myself but i shouldn't have to. Dh made excuses for him this week when he said somethig about me and something went inside me, i just can't do it any more. They don't have that much contact with us so it isn't like this is a monthly thing with dfil. They are in their 80's.

Dh is now sleeping in the spare room and when we talk says he's realised how controlling his parents are and how he thinks he's been conditioned from childhood. I wonder if he's just creating excuses or saying what he thinks i want to hear because it's clear i'm at the end of my tether. The last time it happened he promised it would be the last but it wasn't. So, he's had 20 years to realise this, it's convenient that he's come to this conclusion now.

Things have been coming to a head for about a year now, maybe it's peri and i just can't tolerate the cral anymore?

I don't believe he's cheated, i've not either. There isn't any abuse. We're under a lot of stress with ds2 and everything that comes with having a severely disabled child. I'm not sure counselling would work.

Just looking for views or advice really.

OP posts:
MyFunSloth · 25/01/2026 19:59

What about the rest of the marriage? If you’re saying it’s sound then it seems unwise to blow up your lives over a single issue, especially given the complex needs of your child.

Have you really laid it on the line about his parents in a way that he really understands? Or do you just feel you have? Have you explored going NC (either one of you or both)? If they are in their 80s the chances are they won’t be about for long.

My advice would be not to be hasty, though I sense there is more to your sadness than what you’ve declared here. Good luck.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/01/2026 20:01

So you want to end the marriage because of his family? How is your actual marriage? What happens if you split, can you even live financially?

bellhawk · 25/01/2026 20:05

Why are you not sure counselling would work - did you try it in the past and not engage well with it?

Heronwatcher · 25/01/2026 20:06

I don’t quite get this sorry.

Is there any reason why you can’t just go NC with his parents (by you I mean you and not necessarily your DH). If your DH wants to keep in touch he can go and see them, have them over to your house when you’re not there, text and speak to them by phone. Is this not possible for some reason? I certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with them in your position, you’ve give enough chances.

But without this issue are there other reasons why you’d end your marriage?

something2say · 25/01/2026 20:11

Hiya. It could well be peri - personally I'd lose them and keep the home life intact for everyone. You never know - a swift 'You will NOT speak to me like that under my own ROOF!' and then never hosting them again might do wonders.

Ideally he would do this for you but you don't often get everything you should have or want in life, so why not sort it yourself, set boundaries and be open about why?

And he might benefit also from this arrangement. He may not be strong enough to do it, if he grew up like that.

Ilikesundays · 25/01/2026 20:13

Why is your dh sleeping in the spare room and how long has this been going on? Are both your in-laws insufferable or just the fil? Is any of their unpleasantness directed at your disabled son? If so, I would definitely break off contact with them and hope your dh would support you in doing so.

butternut123 · 25/01/2026 20:19

I have a very complex relationship with my MIL, she’s overbearing, a covert narcissist and quite simply vile to me. After years of this I called it a day, I’m low contact with her and she doesn’t come to our home. I can’t take it anymore. The only contact we have is when she sees the kids and we drop off or pick up and it’s a 60 second interaction. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders but it’s took some pushing and pulling with DH and I to get here.

can you do this if they’re PIL are the problem rather than your DH?

How is everything else in your marriage?

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:20

I want to feel like if i'm not in the room that he would defend me to the hilt and i don't. I'm not sure i can build on that now. It isn't just one incident, it's numerous over more than two decades but it always comes back to this. I just can't carry on like this. It's a waste.

If we split, i would be ok financially.

In terms of me being nc with them, this was the agreed way forward but there always seems to be some reason why. He wouldn't be confident in taking ds2 on his own, it would be very difficult. If ds2 goes we have to stay in a hotel and it does take two adults to support him. With them being so old i feel guilty.

OP posts:
something2say · 25/01/2026 20:27

Ah I see, I'm sorry.

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:28

They don't come to our house ever now as it's too far for them to drive. Only fil drives and to be fair it isn't a nice drive for us and we're not in our 80's so i understand (and am grateful for this).

Mil was just as bad but has mellowed with age, she rarely stops fil though and dh can never do any wrong.

There has only been one occasion where one comment was aimed at ds2 this was stopped instantly.

He's been in the spare room since the night he excused dfil's behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:29

I am grateful for the replies, i just can't think straight at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:32

butternut123 · 25/01/2026 20:19

I have a very complex relationship with my MIL, she’s overbearing, a covert narcissist and quite simply vile to me. After years of this I called it a day, I’m low contact with her and she doesn’t come to our home. I can’t take it anymore. The only contact we have is when she sees the kids and we drop off or pick up and it’s a 60 second interaction. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders but it’s took some pushing and pulling with DH and I to get here.

can you do this if they’re PIL are the problem rather than your DH?

How is everything else in your marriage?

How do you balance this with your relationship with your dh though? Does he just let the comments fall off him and not say anything or does he defend you? I'm assuming she is vile about you when your not present but may have misunderstood?

OP posts:
dukenpixie · 25/01/2026 20:33

His family has talked to you like this for how many years? Why can't you just put up a boundary and say you won't talk to his parents anymore unless they absolutely have to interact with you?

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:37

dukenpixie · 25/01/2026 20:33

His family has talked to you like this for how many years? Why can't you just put up a boundary and say you won't talk to his parents anymore unless they absolutely have to interact with you?

We are like this and this has been ongoing, you're absolutely correct there. My problem isn't so much in what they say but in dh's reaction to it. He recently excused something fil had said by saying fil isn't clever enough to realise what he's doing. We both know exactly what fil was saying and he has since admitted this. It's the excusing of it. I guess i want him to want to set fil right on my behalf.

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 25/01/2026 20:38

If it's just that his dad is an utter arsewipe then you should tell him you won't see his parents.

He's not lying when he says they're controlling and abusive. Just stick to your guns about NC from you. He can see them if he wants but I'd be questioning why he want to if they disrespect both of you.

ViciousCurrentBun · 25/01/2026 20:40

My FIL was racist, I tolerated him at length. I am mixed race . They will be dead sooner rather than later. I also had a big row with MIL a few years ago, who interfered all the time, guess what she has been very nice to me since. His Dad has been dead for about 7 years now.

Gillyyy · 25/01/2026 20:42

I think that family dynamics can be so difficult. I can think of a friend who completely reverts to how he was as a child when in the company of his parents, he will always agree with them (even if he is normally quite opinionated) and it’s like he knows his place in the family, he would never challenge/call them out on anything. I don’t know why your husband acts like that but I wonder if he’s grown up toeing the line and feels like he still has to. It doesn’t mean it’s ok but it could be an explanation and you might try therapy to talk it through.

How is your marriage usually?

TrudiBelieves · 25/01/2026 20:43

There is a good physical distance, they don't come to you so stop going to them and why would you want your children to be around people who are nasty to you? As a child we were taken by a parent to see a grandparent who would say awful things about our other parent. Why we did this I don't know. It is damaging.

Stop going. If he wants to see them he can but you have to understand this is how he was raised, this is his normal, it may not be nice but it is hard to stand up to them. Look up FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Deep down does he see them because they make him happy? Does he walk out their door thinking what a brilliant time I have had? Or more likely he knows they will kick off, he has been conditioned by them. My SIL has this type of family and it took her a long time to see this was her normal but it is not normal.

We teach people how to treat us, you kept going back despite everything that was said to you. So from now on, don't go, don't talk to them, don't let your youngest child be taken to them.

Don't throw your marriage away because of this aspect of it. You have a lot on your plate. Peri absolutely makes you rage, I have never felt anything like the anger I felt when I was first in peri.

Separatedbutlivingtogether · 25/01/2026 20:48

I feel for you, it's awful knowing dh's friends or family are dragging your name in the dirt in front of dh and that he's not defending you. But does dh change his behaviour towards you after derogatory comments from his parents?
If these comments have no effect on how he views you and treats you, perhaps after 20 years he's just learned to placate them to avoid wasting time and energy ...
but yes, everyone wants a knight in shining armour

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/01/2026 20:50

I just can’t imagine ending a marriage over this, it’s once a month and he’s not siding with them, you just want him to be more confrontational and outspoken. Why can’t you go no contact? And avoid the drama. Then he can just not tell you what FIL says. It’s not DHs job to manage the opinions of other adults, including yours

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:53

I really appreciate the replies, it's giving me things to think about which is what i need right now. I don't want this to stay stuck in my head for a while without being able to get views on it. Thank you.

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 25/01/2026 20:54

Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:37

We are like this and this has been ongoing, you're absolutely correct there. My problem isn't so much in what they say but in dh's reaction to it. He recently excused something fil had said by saying fil isn't clever enough to realise what he's doing. We both know exactly what fil was saying and he has since admitted this. It's the excusing of it. I guess i want him to want to set fil right on my behalf.

Show quote history

Honestly, whilst I can understand it hurts, because you want to know DH has your back at all times, relationships are incredibly complex, especially with parents.

It sounds from your posts that otherwise he’s a decent husband and I can imagine family life has been tough with DS2s disabilities.

Personally, I think your husband is probably right. For whatever reason, he’s been conditioned by his dad to accept this. It’s not right, but it’s really hard to address lifelong issues and perhaps harder now his dad is old.

I agree with other posters, I think you need to separate this from your husband. It would be different if he were encouraging or repeating it but if he’s otherwise kind to you, then I think you need to see that this is his dad’s fault, not his. Most people aren’t going to cut their parents off in their 80s and perhaps he thinks that’s where it’ll lead to if he stands up to him. It’s sad really.

I think life looks a lot tougher for you and the kids if you separate, and if you both still love each other (outside of this), then I really don’t think you need to be throwing away your marriage. I would refuse to see FIL again and leave it at that.

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 20:57

Thank you

OP posts:
CheeseItOn · 25/01/2026 21:00

I can't see where you've answered if you're otherwise happy?

Original poster
Justrealised · 25/01/2026 21:17

CheeseItOn · 25/01/2026 21:00

I can't see where you've answered if you're otherwise happy?

It's difficult. So much of our lives is taken up with ds2 and such . Happy isn't straight forward as there's always bigger things.

The marriage works in most respects. We love each other, you can't spend this amount of time together and go through what we have without that.

OP posts:
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