To give up my job?

[SENMummyto2]

I have two children with SEN, aged 8 and 5. One has ADHD (medicated) and the other is AuDHD but too young for meds. Both are in mainstream. We’ve been through months of school refusal, suspensions and reduced timetables with both.
My eldest is doing better now, though we still have explosive meltdowns at home and occasional school refusal. She has an EHCP. My youngest is really struggling – EHCP issued, but mainstream said they could meet need and clearly can’t. Suspensions are ongoing, along with severe dysregulation and violent meltdowns at home. Neither child can attend paid childcare or clubs as they’ve been asked to leave.

I have a job I’m good at and genuinely like. I’ve reduced to school hours and work have been flexible, but I’m completely burnt out. I never know if a suspension is coming, if school refusal will hit, or if I’ll be dealing with violence at home. I’m exhausted from constant advocacy and now trying to secure a SEN school place for my youngest. It feels relentless.

I’m slowly realising I might not be able to have it all. Financially we’d be OK – my husband is the main earner, though he has a very high-pressure job and already does his fair share.

AIBU to give up my job? I’ve worked so hard to get here and never wanted to rely on a partner financially, but I’m so tired. I’ve reduced my hours as much as possible and my role just isn’t compatible with needing to drop everything at short notice.

Hats off to you that you’ve got this far.

Having one SEN child must be difficult enough, without two.

YANBU to want to give up your job. You can claim carers allowance, assuming your children get DLA, and if not then you really need to apply for both of them.

You can consider going back to employment when the children are much older and more settled.

Good luck.

What does your husband say? Are finances shared?

Yes, finances are shared. He’s ok with it, I suppose my concern is that I’m somehow letting my family (or working women in general) down by not working. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, I suppose it’s the guilt of not financially contributing.

Oh OP. These threads are littered with women whose husbands have left them high and dry after they gave up their jobs to take care of the children.

Of course we don't know the future, but for this reason alone, I say please dont give up your job

It does sound like you're utterly burnt out. Have you considered taking an unpaid break, say 3 months just to test the waters, give yourself chance to breathe and see if it works for you? I believe there is a requirement for business to allow this for caring responsibilities. Alternatively can you hire in help. A part time carer to help with some aspect of day to day life.

I implore you, please don't give up your job, you must keep your independence.

I guess this is my fear too. Although we are married and he is a high earner so I dont think I’d be too hard done by, but obviously no one knows what the future holds.

we’ve got paid help already in terms of a cleaner who comes in 6hrs a week.

We’ve had nanny’s that haven’t worked out and I’m not sure that an actual carer would work - they couldn’t do the advocacy or deal with the suspensions etc. I’ve used an advocacy service before and it wasn’t a good experience.

I just don’t know what the alternative is to be honest. I’m very much open for suggestions, but I’m worried I could end up getting fired anyway if I don’t perform or make myself very ill that I’m forced to go off sick.

I’m saying this as a SAHM who is struggling to get back in to her career….but don’t do it. If you give up work, that’s most of your identity gone. You will then just be a Mum to SEN children and personally I think it will bog you down even more than it does now. Because that’s ALL you’ll have. If you hated work that’s different, but if you’re good at it and enjoy it, I wouldn’t give it up.

You’re in a really difficult situation and I’m sure you’re burnt out but your job is an alternative, an escape from your home life. If you give up, there’s nothing else in your life iyswim.

Your DH needs to step up more for the DCs.

As another poster said, you'll lose a part of your identity that you're clearly proud of.

Others will be better qualified to advise, but i worry that being a sahm doesnt actually ease the load, but just makes it the 100% focus of your stress.

Sorry you're in this position. I can't vote because the above reasons lean me to yabu, but I can see how overwhelming it all must be so from that aspect yanbu x

Generally I would agree with you, but speaking from experience looking after children with special needs is a completely different thing . I managed ok when they were at school although I didn’t go back to work until mine were well into secondary school. My difficulties started when she finished school, she isn’t capable of work and local provision is pretty bad. I tried employing carers but it was so difficult , I often found myself with no carer available. I tried being self employed to be more available, I tried everything I could think of but eventually had to give up work. It’s soul destroying.

I agree.

I’ve seen both sides. I couldn’t work whilst juggling hospital appointments and sickness. Now, I work with SEN children where we regularly contact parents to pick up early or have to suspend them. None of these children’s mums can keep a job.

Ideally, you’d have a reliable nanny/personal assistant to look after your child/children while you work, then you sort out paperwork and emails in the evening and weekends. Reality is, often they’re unreliable or impossible to find.

Would your work give you an unpaid sabbatical for say 6 months, just so you have a bit of space?

Absolutely. The problem with using carers when your child is at school is that you can’t give them that many hours so they tend to take a second job as well. So when you need them in an emergency they can’t come as they’re at work. At one point I had 4 four carers on my “books”, I remember stressing so much when there was literally no one for the following day. Plus carers tend to come and go quite quickly. The self directed support money j received wasn’t enough to pay them a full time wage, no where near, and I couldn’t afford to pay them myself. It really is an impossible situation, giving up work eventually was my only option. Yes, I lost myself, yes I was and still am exhausted. It’s so, so difficult. But what can I do .

3 month sabbatical, as suggested, sounds like a place to start. No one can make good decisions when exhausted and at the end of their rope.

You say you are fighting for a place at a special school. Is this something you think will actually happen? If so, some time away from work may give you the energy you need for this. (I hate that parents have to do so much fighting.)

Can you freelance/go even more part time/change jobs? Is there really nothing more DH can do?

Ultimately, this can’t go on, can it? But some time (even just 3 months) so you can decompress and make plans might be a good starting point.

The problem with taking 3 months off is that it’s likely that nothing much will improve over that time, you’ve still got your child to take care of, it’s not like taking a break from work and putting your feet up for 3 months.
I find for example if we go away on holiday for a week mentally I kind of give myself a break by trying to forget we have all these difficult things to deal with, and pretend we’re just a normal family. The problem with that is when we get back home I hit reality with quite a jolt, and almost forget that I’ve had a break away.

Thank you for all your comments. I guess unless you’ve lived it it’s really hard to imagine - before all of this I would have firmly been in the camp of don’t quit work.

for those asking about my DH doing more, he is a wonderful dad & husband and does so much already. When he isn’t working he is brilliant, takes at least his share of the load, but reality is he has a high pressure job, which takes him all over the world. He is the main breadwinner by far, so he really can’t do anymore than he already is doing.

a sabatical could be an option, one that I hadn’t thought about so will look into that

Also to add I think he will get a place at a special school, but they are all so oversubscribed I really don’t know when that will be. We’ve had so many already say they are full or can go on a waitlist but next expected space isn’t until 2028/9

I’m just waiting for someone to suggest respite care, what’s that 🤣
Although to be fair I am extremely lucky that a fantastic lady locally to me has set up a respite / care company. We’ve had about 18months now of fairly regular breaks , she’s amazing. However my daughter is 36 so it’s a bit overdue …

I absolutely feel this. My husband will book me a spa day, for example which is absolutely lovely and very much appreciated, but then as soon as it’s over it’s a distant memory. I describe it too him as never being able to fully decompress, it just takes the edge off a tiny bit.

I was going to suggest a nanny/PA type person, but I see you've tried that before and it didn't work out. I think this is the only realistic option other than quitting your job though. I'd maybe give it over more try if you can afford it. Look at SNAP they're an agency specialising in placing SN experienced nannies with the right family.

The problem with this is in reality OP would need to pay them Monday to Friday say 8 hours a day in order to have them available to collect from school if they were sent home. Which would be extremely expensive, and would mean the nanny was being paid for doing nothing for a lot of the time. As I said previously, my carers would only be paid for a few hours a week, so had other jobs as well, meaning if I needed them in an emergency they might not be available. It’s an almost impossible situation.

This is why a nanny/PA is the way to go. Or even a nanny/housekeeper, but this will be very hard to find with an experienced SEN nanny. But you're absolutely right that it will be very expensive. Potentially, the OP could be paying all of her wages to the nanny, but it would mean she gets to keep the career she loves and a gets a break from her children (which we all need sometimes!).

I've just resigned for very similar reasons.
They are older than yours but I have two autistic DC, one with PDA and both with EBSA to varying degrees. I wake up every morning with no idea if either will make it into school and therefore no idea what my working day will look like. Even if it all seems to be going well my youngest can "flip" at the point of walking out the door so I can't plan my day until the door closes.
The oldest has just got an EHCP, which in practical terms amounts to flexischooling, so will definitely be home most of the time. Youngest is going through EHCNA now but definitely cannot cope with full time.
Work have been brilliantly flexible but it's got to the point where I can't do my job properly WFH on the reduced hours I'm doing around the kids needs. Especially when there's no end point, I can't say it's just for a few months or whatever. And it's hard. Juggling everything is really hard and it'll definitely be better for the whole family if I'm not stressed all the time.

The husband is in a high pressure/earning job, and the OP states he does his share.

Someone has to earn a living for the OP to be able to stay at home. Trust me I am all for husbands/partners doing their share and I am not afraid to express my views if they do not, but statements like the above are not nessasary.

The OP is a intelligent woman who will make the right desition for her family, and if the choice is hers, she will not lose her identity as stated above. I always worked when the children were young, but some on here take it too far if a woman does not do paid work, in fact are some people defined by their career. I never was.

Keep the job. Pay to outsource anything at all that you can. Cleaning, cooking, anything that makes home easier.

Drop one day a week if you can. Of course, this will never coincide with when you’re needed at the school, use this day to sleep and recharge your own social and emotional battery.