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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being a spoilt sibling........

32 replies

mum2samandalex · 13/06/2008 20:03

me and dh are about to be made homeless we are living in married quarters and dh is due to leave the services.We have been told that the council are likely to rehouse us although it could be anything a flat, house massionette garden no garden and its only likely to be a 2 bed. We have two ds one 5mths and the other 3 and are currently living in a 3 bed house with garden etc nice area.

My mum is a council tennant and has a 3 bed house big garden etc not too bad area. Shes getting married and is moving in with her htb and they are going to buy somewhere just the two of them. Well the problem is my db who is 36 and 9 years older then me still lives at home, works but has no dependents etc and will be taking over the tennancy. I am gutted to say the least considering my circumstances.Its no secret that i would to have that house and yet my mum has not even mentioned coming to some kind of agreement and suggesting perhaps we do an exchange once we are offered something.I have already mentioned or hinted once before but nothing has been said. It all seems to about my 36 db will cope on his own as hes never lived alone. I really feel like i could fall out with my family over this especially as they no how stressed i am yet they seem more sympathetic about my db's thousand pound debt on his credit card. I just feel like no one gives a toss tbh

OP posts:

lazarou · 13/06/2008 20:09

Yep, that would piss me off too. can't you move in as well?

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 13/06/2008 20:12

theres no way he would never move out. Hes likely to do an exchange as he cant stay in a 3 bed house but hes going to be spoilt for choice if he just once a 1 bed. Im terrified about where my kids are going to end up, which schools they going to go to. We could rent priviately at a push but theres no security and with kids you need that. If it was dh and i it would be different.

OP posts:

Uriel · 13/06/2008 20:12

Will the council let him take over the tenancy as a single man in a 3 bed house?

findtheriver · 13/06/2008 20:13

Phew, lots of posts on this theme tonight. What's wrong with accepting whatever the council has to offer? Or looking at a private tenancy? What about housing association schemes? It's not a great time to take on a mortgage, but you could also consider the possibilities of buying.
Ultimately, you are adults and have to make your own way. It's pretty pathetic if your brother is in his mid 30s and still not able to cope alone, but tbh, it sounds like he's not got a lot going for him, and you're probably better off. You have a husband and two lovely kids after all.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 13/06/2008 20:34

every one deserves a break now and then and when you have kids where you live is a big part.Like i said if it was dh and me then we would rent priviately until the time is right to buy.If we have to do this now then we would not be able to save enough money to buy and also we both would have to go out to work.We just want a bit of help for dh to make the transition coming out of the services.

OP posts:

lazarou · 13/06/2008 20:39

Just ask your mum if you can have the house instead.

dylsmum1998 · 13/06/2008 20:53

can your mum transfer the tenancy to you? i understood it that your db can because he already lives in the house, but as you dont your not entitled to take on the tenancy
so you it may be you want to take on the house but council rules dont allow it
(of course i could be wrong, but sure there is something likek that in my tenancy

fiodyl · 13/06/2008 20:54

YABU a 3 bed house should go to a family who needs it

KarenThirl · 14/06/2008 09:35

I'd have thought that, as you don't actually live in your mum's council property at the moment, you wouldn't have any claim on the house at all, and if you wanted it you'd have to register as a potential tenant from scratch and bid for it like any other applicant. Your brother, otoh, does have rights on the property as it's his home. Although I know councils do prefer larger houses to be allocated to families they can't force someone to move from their home if they don't want to.

My mum's neighbour died last week and his daughter, who's always lived with them (now in her 50s) will be taking over the tenancy in her own name as it's always been her home. The council will probably ask her to leave but it can't be forced.

I hope you manage to sort something out soon for your family.

fircone · 14/06/2008 09:41

and your brother is 36, not 86. He might be hoping to meet somebody and start a family himself, so he wouldn't want to give up a house.

Love2bake · 14/06/2008 09:43

TBH I don't think the DB should be allowed to stay in the house - does the council know your mum is moving out?

YANBU - he should move to a smaller place and deal with it!

bubblagirl · 14/06/2008 09:47

as he already lives there the tenancy can be passed down to next person who lives there not person who doesnt live there

you can be housed into smaller place and exchange places once in as this can happen if you both agree to exchange then no one is homeless he gets smaller but manageable place and you get more space discuss this with him and sort it out once moved

it just happens that house can only be passed down to next person already living there so it will be happy ending all round you will be housed you wont all have to live together he wont be homeless and you will have more space

piratecat · 14/06/2008 09:49

def shouldn't be allowed to have a 3 bed house to himself, when there are families in need.

I don't think you wuold automatically be able to just 'have the house'. You need to get on the housing list asap, and wait for something to come up.

Sorry but you will only get a 2 bed, thats the rules, whenthe children are so close in age.

bubblagirl · 14/06/2008 10:04

he would get house as next on list and council will want to buy house from him so they would give him smaller place and so much per room but they cant make him homeless

so you need to get your place and explain this to brother that they will want the house for another family and will probably move him to smaller house so arrange between you now to agree to exchange

scaryteacher · 14/06/2008 11:48

YABU and I think you're being a bit dramatic here. You must have known that your dh was going outside, and should have sorted this earlier. He presumably has done resettlement courses and so on, and should have had time to sort this out. It takes time to get out of the Navy, so you knew this was coming.

You are not 'being made homeless'; an MQ comes with the job if you need it, and as your dh will no longer be in the RN, you are not entitled. Simple. I don't get the rationale of not getting all your shit in one sock once you knew he was leaving the Navy and exploring the options available.

Get on the housing list if you're not on it already, and also explore what the Housing Associations have to offer - there are several in Plymouth and the surrounding areas. When you know what income your dh will have (presumably some form of RN pension if he's done long enough), then talk to the Housing Benefit Office at the Civic Centre, and see if you're entitled to help.

You can also trawl the Estate Agents for private rentals, there are stacks out there who rent properties and there are loads in the Herald and that free property paper that comes around. It's also marginally cheaper renting in Cornwall than in Plymouth.

Upwind · 14/06/2008 12:04

Scaryteacher I am guessing you have never had to face the insecurity of private rentals with a family? And I doubt you have ever tried to find HA/council property that is both big enough for a family and in a reasonably safe area?

OP agree it is unfair that single people like your brother get to stay in family sized homes while families are left with such poor options for accomodation. I hope you can come to some agreement with your DB, but if you can't you will just have to come to terms with that and try to make the best of the situation.

findtheriver · 14/06/2008 13:48

Upwind - we are actually renting at the moment - and I still agree with Scaryteacher. Having had the benefit of accommodation being sorted until now, isnt an excuse to not take responsibility. Loads of people rent. Yes, it's uncertain. But probably not as uncertain as having a mortgage these days, worrying about interest rates, job security and whether you'll get repossessed! The OP has just got the hump because she perceives her brother to be getting a better deal! The vast majority of adults sort out their own housing arrangements - it's called real life!!

meemar · 14/06/2008 14:00

I don't think you are being spoilt, it's understandable that you see the situation as a bit unfair, but you are being unrealistic.

It's not your mothers decision to 'give' the house to you. She is a council tenant and the house will be passed to your db because he already lives there.

It's not up to your mum to suggest doing an exchange once it's passed to your db - the house will be nothing to do with her anymore. If that's what you want you need to approach your brother and ask him.

It sounds like you have been waiting for someone to offer you the house, and in the meantime not sorted anything out for yourself.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/06/2008 16:43

Thats exactly what i want-i want to do an exchange.We will be rehoused by the council as we are entitled as dh is leaving his job which has accommodation tied to it.I just dont want a flat or a 2 bed as i know we would love to have another child at some point. But my mum hasnt even mentioned the possibility and at the moment she has the tenancy agreement so she can decide how she pleases.

OP posts:

LIZS · 14/06/2008 16:50

But the house isn't hers to give apart from to nominate your brother, nor can she influence any exchange. If he's on HB he may not be able to afford it anyway, as he'd be assessed as needing a smaller place.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/06/2008 16:52

dh has been at sea for the last year.You only have 6 mths resettlement time and two of that he was still away on a 8 mth deployemnt down the gult. There was a housing brief dh was at sea i wasnt allowed to go.Any course he can go on were already booked before he could put his name down. Thats how the navy is. You have the last 6mths to find a job, go on courses and find somewhere to live and if you at sea then tough.So its not as simple. Its a big change when you been in the services for 10 years and have to fend for yourself.

OP posts:

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 14/06/2008 17:00

Not to mention he joined when he was 17years and then you had 6 mths at ashore to sort yourself out prior to you leaving.He joined when he was young and now wants to leave because he has a family so seeing as hes devoted 10years to serving his country then surely we should be allowed to ask the council for little help. He has got a job lined up so we are not sitting on our asses and asking for handouts.

OP posts:

LazyLinePainterJane · 14/06/2008 17:23

You could rent privately at a push but there is no security?????

You aware that this is how most people live their lives? Wish we could all just choose to pop off to a council house for some extra security!

Thing is, there are people who desperately need council housing. not just those who don't fancy the insecurity of private renting.

barnstaple · 14/06/2008 17:39

Amazing, I just received this e-mail from my cousin today. He seems to be working for a veteran's charity and was highlighting an article in The Telegraph today (yesterday?). Here's the relevant bit of his e-mail to me:

ex-Servicemen and homelessness.

The article, entitled 'SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE', is also available on the Daily Telegraph website - www.telegraph.co.uk .
Enter that title in the Search window and it should come up.
It is well worth reading.

Please tell your friends about it and if you or they see one of our ex-Servicemen or women sleeping rough tell them that we are there to help them. All they have to do is telephone me on 0207 828 2468. Our website is www.veterans-aid.net

Good luck.

Twiglett · 14/06/2008 17:40

invite them for lunch and tell them outright, without pussy-footing around

say
Once we've been given housing, we'd like to swap our housing for the sake of the children. Please will you consider this becuase we're extremely concerned about our children.

leave no area for doubt

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