How do you get over someone cheating?

[Confusedlady600]

Tips, advice or anything to help me process my boyfriend cheating?

My boyfriend cheated on me back in October/November. It was just a kiss but also a lot of flirty messages back and forth between him and another girl.

I have taken him back, he’s apologised a lot. And I think I’m doing fine and then suddenly it hits me that it’s happened. I find myself looking at her Facebook profile, comparing myself to her. I find myself wondering if I’m actually enough or if he’s going to do it again.

I try and speak to him about it but he shuts it down and says there’s nothing to worry about and that he’s sorry.

I don’t know how to move on from this. I love my boyfriend so much. But I find this a very tricky thing to move on from.

You don't. You leave.

In my experience you don’t. Once the trust is gone it never comes back.

How long have you been together?

You don’t. Broken things don’t get fixed in the same way they were.

You can try to make something better. But I’d dump and run.

You don’t. It’ll eat away at you until you leave.

Oh and him saying it’s nothing means it’s something.

The only tip I have is to end the relationship. When I found out a boyfriend had cheated on me many years ago, I didn’t give him a chance to explain because there could be NO acceptable explanation and the relationship was over the second I made the discovery. I only saw him once more and that was to get my stuff back and to give him the kick in the bollocks that he deserved. Have some self respect and do the same.

And I'd argue the point that he was quite happy to throw your relationship away for nothing? You'll never forget it so you'd be better off getting rid

It's not a great situation to happen in any relationship at any stage really.

If it's early days I would be questioning whether the relationship has any future & whether I could commit to someone who I am not sure I can trust.

If it's a long term relationship in which you have both heavily invested i would be angry that he was prepared to risk that for a snog & flirt with someone else.

Also how do you know exactly what went on - because he told you? Are you 100% sure there wasn't more to it?

I've been cheated on twice and both times it took years to get over. I broke up with them shortly after it happened and cut all contact completely.

You don’t. He is not a trustworthy man. Why would you get over that?

You don’t. You leave them. You’ve shown him he can get away with it by forgiving him. He will do it again, despite what anyone tells you, he will.

Don’t. Just don’t. Why would you.

Yeah you don’t. I tried once when I was in my 20s in a relationship of 5yrs. He said he wanted counselling, apologised a lot. I tried to be understanding of his explanation that it happened because he wasn’t feeling closeness from me. When we got to the counselling the scales fell from my eyes and I could see he wasn’t trying like his words suggested he would. Eventually after a few months of trying to make it work I ended it, and later found out the woman he’d cheated with, had been pregnant and had a termination and he had been navigating all of that during these months we were ‘trying’.

I know you don’t want to let go, but he has done it for you. And honestly, I look back now and think that guy did me the hugest favour. At the time I thought he’d be the man I married but he gave me a lucky escape and I was free to meet a man that was worth 100 of him.

You don’t get over it. This person has broken your trust and was meant to be the one person who would never disrespect you like that and they did.

You don’t. The trust is gone and you should be too. You might love him a lot but he doesn’t seem to love you that much.

Bluntly, you don’t.

Some marriages survive affairs and people will tell you that with time and commitment you can move past it. But that requires at minimum radical honesty on the part of the cheater and takes a long time.

My own view is that without trust there is no point being in a relationship and that you will living in a state of permanent suspicion and paranoia.

Leave and find someone who respects you, or be on your own.

I wouldn't waste any further time with someone who was clearly looking elsewhere.
Where is your self respect?
He will do it again.
He also has zero respect for you, for cheating and because you have taken him back because you don't believe you deserve any better.

Huge mistake IMO.

You dump him.

You'll never trust him properly again, and for good reason.

Absolutely not. He’s minimising what he did. It doesn’t matter whether he thinks you shouldn’t worry. It doesn’t matter that he says he’s sorry. You’re not over it and if he was ACTUALLY sorry he would talk about it whenever you need to.
If you’re young, not married and don’t have children then why would you even consider this? Why don’t you know that you deserve better? You are worth more than a life of doubting yourself and your relationship because he doesn’t care enough to be faithful and he isn’t emotionally mature enough to take responsibility for what he did.

You don’t. Ever. You get rid of the chest as soon as possible and do your best to heal and move on.

Nailed it

You don't have to deal with those feelings constantly. He clearly isn't. Show him the door.

It is rarely possible. Revenge cheating helps a little bit for a short while, getting even, I tried to keep a relationship going after cheating years ago, it didn’t work, he cheated on me again.
I hope you’re okay. I remember the heartbreaking feeling ATT.

It doesn't sound like he's willing to do the work to win back your trust. Does he think you can just forget about what he did and carry on as before? I'd be questioning whether he's actually sorry or just sorry he got caught!

Obviously leaving would be a very good choice. If you're not going to do that then IMO firstly he needs to be prepared to talk about this openly and answer all your questions until you don't have any more to ask. He needs to be prepared to go over it as many times as you need to. He also needs to be open with his phone and where he is. Then you need to be prepared give yourself up to 3 years to get over the betrayal. Leaving is definitely the easier option.