Sahw.

[Alice19876]

I don't know if I'm in the wrong so I really need some advice. My children are 8 and 9 since they were 15 months apart I left my job to raise them full time and planned on going back working when they started school full term.
well obviously that didn't happen as my husbands job isn't flexible to help get the children and on weekends he sometimes works for an hour or two. We have no support system.
Recently I've felt so overwhelmed with life.
The only way my husband contributes to the house is paying for everything which I'm very very grateful for but that's it.
i do everything for everyone, he wouldn't even make me a coffee last Sunday because 'it's my job' while I was decorating our sons room.
christmas has just been I created the 'magic' we agreed Christmas we will spend £20 on each other ( I sold stuff on Vinted for his little gift)
he forgot to buy me anything as I didn't cross his mind. thats his words.
i cook every meal scratch as he doesn't like processed food ,wash, sort out our daughters adhd assessments and appointments, iron and even the mental loud of how a house should run.
but I feel asif no one helps me.
on the evenings he's either on his phone I try to talk and he pretends he doesn't hear so I take myself to bed early most nights to read a book, then he will come upstairs demanding a back rub and if I say no then I'm basically not a good wife who doesn't look after his needs.

sorry for this long rant.
i wish i had my own money to leave.
but should i just stick with it? Because i know during this economy many woman also have to work and do the mental load on top.
i just feel like a single married mother at her breaking point.

No they don’t. The women I know work full time and share house and child responsibilities. Doesn’t sound like that will happen with you though as your husband sounds like a selfish misogynist prick. I would look for a job, use breakfast and afterschool clubs, stop cooking and cleaning for him. Get used to the new routine and leave. Life would be so much easier for you without him (as well as stopping the terrible example he’s making for your children). But first you need some income.

Ultimately, it's your choice. Personally. I would rather be a working single mother because absolutely nothing is worse than living with someone who doesn't love you or respects you.
How you are going to make it work practically...that's where you need to consult a lawyer to see what the divorce settlement is likely to be. Ultimately, your kids are at school during the day so you could work part time at the very least. Yes, you will still have a mental and physical load of looking after your kids but you won't have a mental load of looking after your husband. I would much rather work than be a slave to a man who doesn't give a shit about my wellbeing.

Yes I have been looking for jobs in school hours for the time moment! So far nothing as of yet! Haven't told my husband yet because I don't think it will go down well.. but I have been actively searching

I would look for regular full time work. You won’t be able to run a household on school hours. Paying for kids clubs is a joint responsibility so it shouldn’t all come out of your wages.

What a twat. I'd be leaving in a heartbeat. Back rubs? Pmsl
what's this the 1950's?

When my kids are at school full time I will look for a job, but it's unlikely I'll find anything around here which fits around school (DH does a similar inflexible job and sometimes unpredictable evenings/weekends).

If I can't find a job I will probably volunteer to have a purpose and maybe build skills.

BUT me and DH are a team. I do all the housework and cooking I can whilst he's at work, and then when he comes home we finish the cooking together, care for the kids together, do any bigger household things that require two people, etc. We both get equal free time for hobbies. DH makes me tea and asks me how my day was, and appreciates that it was probably harder than his!

Your problem is that your DH sees you as a servant, not a partner.

He doesnt love you. Who doesnt make someone that love a coffee?

Personally I dont actually think you need to get a job in advance, you can start a divorce in your current set up.

I am sure part of the proceedings will be an expectation you will work within a certain timeframe but you can sort that then and you will have a better idea of your housing situation, and expenses and not trying to get used to work whilst divorcing.

I would rather be a working single mum than be with somone who showed me no love. Look at your daughter. You are modelling to her what to expect from life and a partnership. Is this really what you want her to see? Plus you will find a high risk if your child hitting 18 and him leaving you anyway as your function has expired.

Look for regular full time work. He should be doing more but I can understand a bit where he is coming from in that you presumably have all day when they’re at school, so probably end up with more free time than him. Weekends should be fair game though and the coffee thing is ridiculous.

My main concern from reading your post is that you had to sell things on Vinted to afford £20 for his present. Do you not have any access to money? If so he sounds financially abusive and you need to look to leave. Getting a full time job is the first step to that. You can ring women’s aid for advice and support too.

edit: I somehow missed the backrub thing, please tell me you laugh in his face and don’t actually give him a rub?

If he is unwilling to physically help around the house can't he pay for a cleaner/housekeeper and either regular or occasional childcare?

It would also obviously be good for you to work.

My main concern from reading your post is that you had to sell things on Vinted to afford £20 for his present. Do you not have any access to money? If so he sounds financially abusive and you need to look to leave. Getting a full time job is the first step to that. You can ring women’s aid for advice and support too.

My thoughts exactly.

Of course! I don't mind in the weeks it's more weekends or sometimes evenings where he would put his children to bed and read them story which I do. I have spoken to him about this but he said he just doesn't enjoying reading.

regards to Vinted. He pays for essentials for me ie if I need my phone, tampons, if I run out of something but if I want money for others I have to fund it myself so stuff I sell on Vinted is my money. Ie it's my friends baby shower next month and I sold some stuff on Vinted to pay for that.

I've never spoken out loud to anyone about this before so the more I'm typing and thinking the more crazy it sounds.

You’re not crazy. You’re married to a misogynist fuckwit who doesn’t care about you. You’re there for what you do and provide.

That definitely sounds like financial abuse. Please talk to Women's Aid.

Oh my god ....wtf am I reading!
@Alice19876 your husband is an absolute cock......
Fucking hell.....I've read so many posts like this ..... And it makes me despair.
YOU should have access to the family money, not be grateful because he buys you tampons and pays for your phone!!
He's done a number on you- and you "didn't cross his mind" for him to buy you a Christmas present- honestly - wtf!

You need therapy to find out why you are happy to be treated like this, and you need a job, and a roster for home chores/children care once you are back into work.....

Sorry OP, I'm not having a go at you I really hope you find your spirit and grit x

Its seems like writing it out is helping you.
I think you know this isn't right.
Don't let your daughter believe that its OK for a woman to be treated this way and dont let your son believe that its OK to treat a woman this way.

Ultimately, if you stay, you'll raise the children and either your H will leave (although then he'd have to look after himself) or you'll end up doing everything for him until the day you die.

It never entered his mind (his words) to get you - his wife, his life partner, the mother of his children- a Christmas present. That speaks volumes.

You are worth much much more.

You have to sell things on Vinted to pay for a gift for a friend? Oh, my, that is financial abuse.
Do you have enough skills / training to secure a good job?

hes horrible op.
he duesnt love you hes using you. youre his nanny with a fanny, or maybe housekeeper with benefits.

you need to sort out your plans and leave him.

Would you feel comfortable talking to your friends and family in real life about this? It really sounds like you are being financially abused if he’s only letting you have money for the bare minimum. I’m assuming you’re not struggling for money, and he is able to buy himself what he wants rather than just what he needs?

It sounds like you’ve been conditioned to think this is normal, I’m so glad you’ve made this post so you can get an outside view and support

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

He treats you like a domestic servant, this isn’t a marriage op. I’m surprised it’s even a question, no child at school age, and nearly senior school. needs a mum full time at home unless there are additional needs, wraparound care and after school clubs are a thing and over 80 percent of mothers work. If you want to not be the home help, then you need to get a job, sort child care for the couple of hours a day needed and holidays and become independent.

I don’t know how you stick it, I’d have got a job and ended this marriage a long time ago, please don’t model this to your children, the downtrodden skint mum no one helps or cares about and the disinterested father probably cheating and treating her like a skivvy. You’d not want them to live like this, so lead by example.

It’s worse than that, at least a servant gets paid!

I never even thought of financial abuse if I'm being honest someone has put a link on here that I will look at. I honestly thought it was normal as he works.

edit- I'm a qualified dental nurse.

Unfortunately my parents don't like my husband and they live in Spain so little contact.
my friends I dont really speak about my relationship to them but I have little friends anyway.

no we're not struggling for money. Thank you for the link. I will read more

Youre a dental nurse ? Thats brilliant, id have thought you could jump back into a job or get into aesthetics.

It sounds like your original post is the absolute tip of the iceberg. If you don’t have access to a shared account which you can use freely he is financially abusing you, as others have said. You do need to leave. I realise this isn’t easy but making a plan (even if it’s long term) will give you strength. First step is a full time job. Do NOT pay your salary into a joint account. Be aware that he is likely to resist you and make your life difficult so think about ways you can find a village to help eg with after school care, dropping off at clubs etc. Do you have family nearby? Do you have anyone you can confide in confidentially?

Get a job
Save some money
See a lawyer
Plan your exit

You know this is no way to live.