Sahw.

[Alice19876]

I don't know if I'm in the wrong so I really need some advice. My children are 8 and 9 since they were 15 months apart I left my job to raise them full time and planned on going back working when they started school full term.
well obviously that didn't happen as my husbands job isn't flexible to help get the children and on weekends he sometimes works for an hour or two. We have no support system.
Recently I've felt so overwhelmed with life.
The only way my husband contributes to the house is paying for everything which I'm very very grateful for but that's it.
i do everything for everyone, he wouldn't even make me a coffee last Sunday because 'it's my job' while I was decorating our sons room.
christmas has just been I created the 'magic' we agreed Christmas we will spend £20 on each other ( I sold stuff on Vinted for his little gift)
he forgot to buy me anything as I didn't cross his mind. thats his words.
i cook every meal scratch as he doesn't like processed food ,wash, sort out our daughters adhd assessments and appointments, iron and even the mental loud of how a house should run.
but I feel asif no one helps me.
on the evenings he's either on his phone I try to talk and he pretends he doesn't hear so I take myself to bed early most nights to read a book, then he will come upstairs demanding a back rub and if I say no then I'm basically not a good wife who doesn't look after his needs.

sorry for this long rant.
i wish i had my own money to leave.
but should i just stick with it? Because i know during this economy many woman also have to work and do the mental load on top.
i just feel like a single married mother at her breaking point.

As a qualified dental nurse you'd be very likely to find a job quickly. There are at least ten in easy distance from my own home so I imagine it will be replicated across the country. It also seems like a job that might lend itself to part-time hours. You are in an excellent position. I hope the items you sell on Vinted are his.

I'd imagine that after so many years out of work, professional registration might be an issue. Restoring it won't be a quick job, I imagine they will need to see evidence of CPD dating back at least a year.

Little contact with your family and few friends? Honestly OP it sounds like he’s done a number on you and has isolated you on top of everything else.

I’m so sorry your parents have not been as supportive as they should have been, but I’m sure if they don’t like your husband they’ll be happy to hear from you that you’re looking at leaving him.

But MN is also great for support, the relationship board has some brilliant posters too. You could start a new thread there or report this one to MNHQ and ask them to move it.

You deserve better OP and the more you post the more you reveal how horrible your husband is, I think he’s blinded you to it and normalised his behaviour to you.

Breakfast and after-school clubs?

Is he paying into your pension?

Isolation because he discourages seeing friends, puts you off hem, puts them off you, ensures you don't have time (or money) to socialise?

Is he controlling in other ways?

Please speak to Women's Aid, and specifically ask their advice on speaking to the police as well. Domestic abuse is a crime, and no longer limited to physical violence. It may also entitle to you legal aid for the divorce, so it's important to get it documented.

Term time only jobs can be hard to come by.

You could also look for a job 2 days a week (16 hours) and then use childcare during the holidays.
This means you won’t be as exhausted during the terms.

The issue you’re going to have is if you get a job and your DH still expects you to do everything.
But you need to get one still as when you separated you’ll be expected to work at least PT and so it’s better to find one now whilst you can be a bit more choosy.

Is he resentful that you’ve not gone back to work which is why he refuses to do anything?

We have a similar set up where DH works and im a sahp. Well for the last year i started working part time but with very little hours and low salary.
When i didnt work at all i used to do everything at home, but the cup of coffee is crazy because if he loved you he wouldnt mind doing that at all.
Also DHs salary goes in our joint account where i have full access. If youre doing everything at home and he makes money that should be family money and you shouldnt even have to ask.

I was exactly the same as @SmaugTheMagnificent we are a team. When Dh was at work I did everything at home but once home it meant his free time wasn't taken up with household crap, he was available for the children and me. As the children go to bed earlier he would come in and see them and spend time with them. I would be making dinner. We would have a family meal together, everyone, and I mean everyone cleared the table, packed the dishwasher, washed and dried any pans. This was a time of singing to music or chatting.

Dh and I took turns putting a child to bed, sometimes they would get in a bed together so Dh could read to them. Now Dh has probably read one book for himself in 30 years, but he would always read to the children putting on silly voices. This is a 6'3" massive chap doing high pitched voices for the women in the book.

This is how it should be, enjoying his children, spending time doing what they want. Then after they are in bed that is time for me and Dh, to talk, watch or listen to things together. He can't ignore you and then expect to enjoy his company.

I had full access to all money. We share a joint bank account for full financial transparency so I can see his salary, his bonuses and any pay rises.

I just wanted to add that you are being financially abused. He is withholding money from you, you shouldn't have to ask for it he isn't your Dad and you are not 12.

I had a friend like you, she did go back to work because he demanded it but it was part time and term time only on his instruction and she was still expected to do everything for the house. He literally went to work. That was it. He liked the image of being married with children but not the actual day to day effort required as a Dad and husband.

It is a horrible thing to realise your life is different than you thought. Please continue to post for support. The Relationships board is a very helpful place rather than AIBU.

Yes I've been looking for those but where I live in a village there's not a lot around so I have looked further afield from our village.

No he's not resentful but I know he doesn't want me to work. He's already said because of his job he can't help so it's entirely up to me to sort everything out. A conversation we had last year he even said himself 'I don't want you working'

You dont have the luxury of term time job only, go back to work. Use childcare and plan your leaving of this utter arsehole.

Yes I think that's what I'm missing a team. I don't expect him to help with housework as such I think because not even making a coffee or reading/spending time with his children is what's making me so resentful and so worn out.

we don't have a joint account it's in his name and I have his card on my phone.

most weekends he is golfing and pubs.

reading these comments has made me realise that im not a in a team and finance abuse.

No he doesn't pay into a pension for me.

If your DC has ADHD maybe think about whether you struggle a bit too with ND?

Feeling overwhelmed, especially as your hormones change as you get older is very common, as is not seeing when you're being abused....

Your situation does not sound ok.

I think if you leave your husband and have no employment skills life will be very hard for you

Strange you should say that I did think I could possibly have ADHD too after reading and seeing what my daughter is going through.
I turned 30 in October so hoping my hormones aren't so bad yet! Haha.

yes reading these comments it's not common as I thought.

I worked since I left school for retail then qualified in dental nursing was doing that until I got pregnant again when I got pregnant with my second.
as I mentions both of my children are 15 months apart so my daughter was a baby still.

I'm not surprised your parents don't like him.

I agree that your financial setup is unreasonable. I'm married and we've each been the higher earner at different points. We've always taken the approach that money available for personal spending is evenly split. I know everyone organises things a bit differently but however it's set up, you should both have equitable access.

You’re being financially abused OP.
Effectively a slave.

No he's not resentful but I know he doesn't want me to work. He's already said because of his job he can't help so it's entirely up to me to sort everything out. A conversation we had last year he even said himself 'I don't want you working'

You’re not the paid help.
A maid would actually have time off.

He does not get to tell you that you can’t work.

It’s a tricky one because 9-3:30 5 days a week you have to yourself and so there should be nothing for either of you to do evenings and weekends.

But he should still treat you with respect and making a coffee for someone is such a tiny act of kindness.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to like/respect you when you are doing what he suggested by not working.

Truthfully OP, he doesn’t respect you let alone like you.

You are a dental nurse: you could make a very good living in injectable aesthetics with the right training. Look at the Derma Institute website for training programmes.

Go to y9ur gp and tell go what is going on.ask fior nhs counselling referral.

Get informed on your husband job income assets and see a divorce lawyer

To add: if you really pulled finger and set up your own clinic, you could easily out earn the misogynist bastard.
You really need to get your own money, you’re powerless until you do. Good luck, there are loads of us rooting for you.

@Alice19876 is your husband older than you? The fact you were married with children at 21 and his behaviour of control and financial abuse gives the impression of a significant power imbalance in possibly more ways than one.