AIBU to ask about alcoholic sister coming home and family gatherings.

[Alcoholtakingherlife]

My sister is an alcoholic with all of the things that go with addictions, she is has been drunk at work, is made her selfish, unkind and uncaring. She has a niece that she crows on about my daughter who she's not seen in four years. She stayed at Christmas with our parents and just generally got drunk and embarrassed herself after some weeks of sobriety. She lies and days she is getting help when she wasn't. I met up with her after new year with my daughter she swore blind she wouldn't drink for the time, but she arrived pissed it was awful. Stroking my daughters hand talking to her like a baby , she is nine ffs. We went home. She has thousands of pounds from our parents because she can't budget despite being on anmuch higher wage than me. When our mum received life limiting diagnosis last year she put it all over Facebook. I've stepped back as I'd rather say nothing than say something I'd later regret but told her she can't be like that around children.
We received the terrible news this evening that she is coming back to live in the UK after 5 years in Ireland. Life has been happy without her here but now she returns. Its my Aunties 60th birthday in March and she is back before that date. We are having a little gathering at my house and she has announced she's coming, all the family will be there. She has decreed that nobody should be drinking alcohol but I'd don't think that is realistic. Its a big birthday. I don't want her to be around kids drunk. Would it be unreasonable to refuse her any alcohol but to allow other people to drink, I can't risk a repeat performance of our last meeting. I also know my very lovely mum and dad would be heartbroken if she wasn't invited. Any thoughts welcome. This will also help me to set the scene for other family get togethers.

I entirely understand your motivation here. Having a member of your family who is an alcoholic often leaves you trying to find the least shitty out of a bunch of really shitty option. You're trying to keep the maximum number of people happy at the minimum potential emotional cost. But you're trying to negotiate with someone else's addiction and that simply doesn't work.

What will you do if she turns up already drunk? What will you do if she turns up (mostly) sober but openly drinks in front of you? Or keeps nipping to the loo and swigging the vodka she's got hidden in her bag? Are you going to throw her out? Having a screaming argument? Or seethe in silence and feel your own stress levels rise because once again she's put alcohol in front of everything else and treated you like a fool?

As harsh as it is to have to say it, I think you should put your foot down - if your mum and dad want this get-together to be at your house then your sister will not be invited. If they insist she must be there then it'll have to be held somewhere else, somewhere that you and your DD can leave if sis gets drunk and embarrassing. You can't control what she does. All you can control is where you and your DD are and to make sure you have an exit plan for if/when your sister becomes intolerably drunk again.

Sounds really hard.

Best thing is to tell her she’s not invited. If she was genuinely trying to get sober I’d say make the gathering alcohol free but there’s no way she’ll be sober at it from what you say, no matter what

I thought you said she hadn’t seen your daughter in 4 years but then you said you saw her at new year? Probably me but I’m confused

OP, your DPs can’t expect you to host your DSis in your house if you’re not comfortable doing so. You say your sister has “announced she is coming” and has “decreed that no-one should drink alcohol” - how does she get to call the shots? I think you need to speak to your DPs and perhaps change the venue of the get-together to somewhere you can leave if you need to - perhaps they should host, so that the guest list is not your responsibility. Also, point out to your parents that a celebration for your aunt will involve alcohol, so if your sister is not comfortable with that, best she doesn’t come.

She'd not seen for four years prior to his occasion.

Why is she leaving Ireland. Where does she think she is going to live ? Do not let her move in with you and I'd advise your parents to say the same . She needs to get sober even go to a clinic before she can be around the family especially the younger people. But your parents and Auntie aren't elderly let them deal with her.

First reply nails it.

You shouldn't host. Get the party moved. She can come and do what she likes, you have an exit plan if needed so you and DD can go elsewhere if youre uncomfortable.

If you host at yours, you're stuck there.

Despite everything I'm not a screamer more of a seether! She wouldn't be coming in drunk, she wouldn't be allowed to drink and would be told to leave if she did drink. I'm quite resolute with what I'll tolerate and she will be told to go. If that upsets anyone then I've set out my stall and she didn't adhere to the rules. I'm not having the children subject to that.

Very difficult but no, I don't think you can refuse to serve her when others are drinking, it just won't work. Either you make the occasion dry (wouldn't be an issue for me, but I appreciate families differ and you don't feel like doing her a favour) or you ask her not to come.

I think it would be fair to draw a firm boundary about the children - she cannot be around them drunk, and if she turns up after drinking she will be asked to leave.

Ah ok!

There is really no point trying to stop her drinking the alcohol you’ve provided for everyone else, and she’ll likely bring her own or already be pissed anyway. I’m sorry to say that’s just not a solution.

I’m really sad for you, having an addict in the family is so hard.

I would do everything I could not to upset my parents through. They must be so desperately worried about her and hopeful this move might make a difference. I’d suck it up

and maybe, mad as it sounds book a few therapy sessions with the specific aim of learning coping methods for this event and future ones she’s present at

We are having a little gathering at my house

Is the gathering for your aunt's
Birthday? I'd speak to your aunt and say you don't want it at your house as you won't be able to leave when she's pissed.

Have you had any help for you and your DPs? Such as Al Anon?

They help you understand that you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.

What you are doing here is trying to control it. That’s exhausting, impossible and counterproductive.

You will be the person who suffers when this all backfires.

How would it feel to ‘detach with love’ - to ‘drop the rope’ to not get in her way?

Do you need to get involved - to hide the family shame etc?

What would it be like to step right back - just carry on your plans. If she gets shit faced - that’s on her - how would it feel letting someone else step in - or let the natural consequences come to fruition? If she falls, makes a fool of herself - then maybe that’s one step closer to rock bottom for her without you micromanaging a safety net?

Or equally have a clear boundary - your home, your rules, your the host etc can invite who you like.

I can see how out of control you feel in this unmanageable and frustrating situation - would you look at the big picture and where you should be choosing to put your energy and be supported with that by Al Anon etc?

To be honest we are not a family of "drinkers" but we have a drink at special occasions. Partly I feel like she needs to learn to control herself rather than dictate what others do and she has been that awful thatvyou are right i don't want to do her a favour.

My sister completely ruined my Dad's 60th (meal in a restaurant) by turning up late, with some random new boyfriend random person, sloshed and either going outside for a cigarette every five minutes or to the toilet for... well not a wee. It was a horrible night, I still think about it once in a while, but at least it wasn't at my house.

I totally sympathise, I really do. But putting restrictions on people doesn't work. The nature of addiction is that selfishness comes to the forefront as almost a cloaking device. It hides their individual impact on others (from themselves).
Is she the one dictating that others cannot drink? That's weird and highly unrealistic.

I think you just need a plan for all of the scenarios... which is exhausting I know. But, to be clear:

• can't be drunk around the kids
• can't spoil the event for others by being too noisy/confrontational
• what time everyone has to go home (and how they get home)

I would go so far as starting the event an hour early and not telling her the earlier time so that you get a bit of peace together first. I sympathise from the bottom of my heart. 20 years later my sister and I barely talk. I have nothing to say to her and she is not remotely apologetic for all the shit she has done.

Why has she decided to leave Ireland? Has she lost her job?

Honestly....

Either

1. do not host (so this shambolic mess isn't unfolding in your own home amd you can actually leave when it all starts to unfurl)

Or

2.Tell your sister she cannot come

You'll prob get talked into saying she can come for an hour 12-1 stay sober and leave.
She wont it'll be a mess.
Even in the unlikely event she stays sober ror the hour....there will be tension and a bad vibe in the air

I completely agree and have happily dropped the rope when it comes to her life she can do as she wishes but having her shit faced in front of the family children is not acceptable. She came back over the summer and her friends rang me saying that she was drunk and couldn't stay at our parents. They asked me to come get her. I asked her friends why she couldn't go home with them they said she was being obnoxious and had pissed herself. Why would I want that in my car and home with my child if they didn't I'm not sure. I did leave her to it then she had her audacity to ring me the next day to say she'd slept on a bench and she was mad at me for not getting her. I surprised myself about how emotionally disconnected I felt. I genuinely didn't care she's worn me out after years of 1am phone calls. All I care about is the impact that she has on the people I love.

Are you open with your aunt / extended family / other guests about her issues? Could you give everyone a heads up - and ask for support? Don’t get derailed by shame - loads of families are wrestling with a family member with addiction issues - don’t try to hide or manage it.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Do your parents want it swept under the carpet?

I agree that changing the location to somewhere public where you have agency and control as to when you want to leave would be an option?

Yes it is her birthday. She has disabilities and needs a comfy sofa to sit on so we tend to have family things at houses.

You are 100% right to protect your kids from this.

It's very frightening for them to be exposed to that.

I would let her attend the party to keep mum and dad happy BUT with the agreement that if DSis is drinking that mum + dad call an uber and take her home after an hour. She gets her fun, then leaves before causing a scene.

Yes they are all aware but after everything that happened last year my parents don't have the emotional capacity at the moment to deal with drama. Mum has a serious life limiting condition and the whole thing upsets her. I can't afford for that to happen.

After everything I don't think I could make my mum and dad responsible for her. They are 70 and 75 she's is 42!

Good on you. This is why they teach you at Al Anon - they literally need to wake up in their own piss and shit - because if you had intervened she would have woken up clean and fresh as a daisy in a warm bed and assumed she had got herself there.

And you are 100% correct that children shouldn’t be exposed to this.

What is your problem with not inviting her? You could have a boundary that you are unable to have her around your DCs / in your home - until she has demonstrated that she has been sober for 6 months?

How would the rest of the family respond to such a boundary - would your aunt / parents back you - or leave you to carry the can alone??