To not have a 'traditional top table'

[ByGreenJoker]

Me and my partner have agreed on our top table being us and the children for the wedding breakfast.... people (one person) aren't happy with this, called us disrespectful as its traditional, we've said we aren't changing our mind... They are now threatening not to come to the wedding at all! ARGH! AIBU to not want traditional?

Why should she? He's an adult so should behave like one, not act like a 3 year-old having a tantrum until he get's his own way.

traditions of yester-year when out the window a long time ago. There are no traditions now and people do their own thing - whatever that may be or look like.

Its YOUR wedding, you do what YOU want and to hell with anyone who doesn't like it. Don't let others dictate.

Absolutely agree, but the person is kicking off and it's a big deal to them, so OP is stuck with a shitty situation and that's one solution, the other 2 being, let the guest drop out altogether, or let them turn up thinking they're on the top table....

You do you! Sounds like a lovely idea to me 😊

I was a bridesmaid last summer and it really opened my eyes to how in a wedding it's pretty much impossible to please everyone.

The bride (one of my best friends - let's call her A) didn't have a top table - there were 10 tables of 12 people that all looked the same but the "top" table I suppose would be counted as the one she sat on with the groom and both their Mums (Dads aren't in the picture)
Pre wedding she was chatting to me and another bridesmaid (another best friend - let's call her B) about the table plan and mentioned of the six total bridesmaids two would be sitting on the "top" table with her.
B then got haughty with A asking why she and I had been "excluded" from the top table and why the two other bridesmaids were picked over us 😂I literally didn't care and was more than happy to be on a table (any table) with my boyfriend!
B seemed to think it was some sort of status thing to be seen on the top table but it wasn't even a traditional set up.

We didn’t have a traditional one. Tell people to go stuff themselves, your wedding, your choice. If they don’t like it, they have the option of not attending.

For my first wedding, my parents ran the show so it was a Very Traditional Top Table. I barely ate anything because it felt as though everyone was looking at me!
Second and hopefully final one, we organised ourselves and we threw out the rule book and did what we wanted to do. We had an odd number of tables, all circular, with ours in the middle of the top 'row'. That held us, the kids, and the one parent we had left between us. When it came to speeches we went and stood at the front of the room by the cake so everyone could see, and people with backs to us turned their chairs around to face the correct way :-)
Do what you want, and have a lovely day when it comes.

Tell Victoria Beckham that it's a shame she won't be coming and you'll see her at your next wedding.

To stop all the carry on, have round tables. Mix people up, so there is no one table more important than the others, apart from you, DH and your children. Older children (maybe not yours) all on one or more tables.

I used to work on weddings in the 1970s and 80s. Lots of weddings had round tables, some also had the top table as well, but many didn't.

Top tables are by nature divisive and therefore awful. They effectively say to 'other' guests, 'you are not as important'.

Due to bereavements and family dynamics we sat at a round table in the corner facing the room with friends and "top table" relations spread on the tables around us. Those that made speeches were positioned facing in to be easily visible.

It was much more comfortable than being strung along a long table and risking family politics.

You can never please everyone and people tend to forget that it’s your wedding and what you would like should just be accepted.

The only thing I would add that if you have someone to look after your children during the meal, it might be a nice idea to just have a table for the two of you, rather than a traditional “top table” - think it may be called a sweetheart table, as then you will get the opportunity to spend some time just the two of you, which would be lovely, as weddings are stressful enough!

We had a couple’s table just us and it was lovely to actual have a moment the two of us. Our parents, groomsmen, bridesmaids etc were split across the front tables closest to us. It worked really well, particularly as we had a lot of family politics! Do what you both want, don’t be pressured into changing it because someone throws their toys out of the pram.

It’s your day. Others don’t get to dictate. If one person was excluded I can see a problem but you’re excluding a whole group. It’s nice that best man, bridesmaids and others can sit with partners / their immediate family too.

A lot of people break with the absolute standard of what is expected of a traditional wedding. Many people live together beforehand for starters. We didn't get married in a church , and had one of the first wave of having a wedding ceremony in a hotel. Some ppl at the time thought that wasn't being properly married.

..is this your future MIL ? Will she want to have an 1st dance with/on your son instead?

We just had 3 big tables in a horse shoe shape, small chap between just got waiter access. Worked fine. Decision on who was with us was down to who was speaking, their partners, best mans dd then my brother because their was an odd number, nobody cared they didn’t make the cut

I recently got married. Had a sweetheart table. Didn’t wear a white dress. Didn’t do cake.

if “people”‘didn’t like it, then there was no reason for them to come.

“they” also didn’t pay for it. So……yeah

I find some people's obsession with a 'traditonal' wedding in this day and age a bit weird tbh - so many other aspects of life have changed (e.g living together/having kids before marriage), why can't weddings be adaptable too.

We had a very 'non tradtional' wedding - no walking down the isle, no best man/bridesmaids, no speeches, and no top table! It was a really lovely chilled out day. It's hard if you have family criticising but they are making a big deal out of something so minor. As others have said, it's your day, do what you want!