To not have a 'traditional top table'

[ByGreenJoker]

Me and my partner have agreed on our top table being us and the children for the wedding breakfast.... people (one person) aren't happy with this, called us disrespectful as its traditional, we've said we aren't changing our mind... They are now threatening not to come to the wedding at all! ARGH! AIBU to not want traditional?

Do what you want, OP. I went to a lovely wedding last year where the bride and groom just sat by themselves and both sets of parents hosted separate tables. Nobody has fallen out, everyone was very happy and it worked really well.

I agree about the the generational difference and I’d probably put them
on the top table. However, I’m 73 and if my DC wanted a top table with just new spouse and children I couldn’t care less.

me my partner and the 4 kiddos!

we could have the table bigger, but why should we change it just because one person isnt happy :(

We didn't have a top table, but we didn't have a set meal either, had a later wedding with a buffet, people just sat wherever they wanted with whoever, me and my partner spent most of the time up anyways, and just sat where there was a space when we had some food.

I’ve been married twice and didn’t have a traditional top table either time. First wedding we had a sweetheart table and parents each hosted a table, second wedding it was a very casual party with bench style tables, the ‘top table’ was 3 benches together in a row, DH & I with nobody facing us so we could see the whole room, parents either side of us with siblings opposite them. Your wedding, your rules.

Have the wedding you want - you could smile sweetly and point out that it's not traditional to have your children before marriage, so the traditional rule book has already been thrown out of the window!!

I think it's lovely that you're having just your children on the top table, celebrating the start of your new chapter in your family life.

YANBU. Our top table was me, DH and 3 year old DD, and it was lovely.

Just add an extra place at the end of the top table and let them sit there. Job done.

But that's not what the couple want!

my FIL to be, we don't have a great relationship anyway... but i lost my dad a few years ago and honestly i dont feel comfortable having a 'traditional' table without my own dad being with me x

@ByGreenJoker

It is entirely up to you, how tables etc are set up. It's your day and if you want someting not traditional that is absolutely absolutely fine.

But the way you have described it, you are still want wanting a traditional top table lay out, just not with the usual people who would traditionally sit at said top table? If that's right you and family will all be sitting at a long table with difficult conversation due the layout

Why have a top table at all? Just have a number of round tables instead? It may still not help with the difficult person, but will at least not look as if any individual is being deliberate snubbed? I can understand why the difficult person feels upset, if you are actually having an actual top table lay out.

Still your call of course, but do consider not having a top table at all?

We didn’t have one either, both our parents are divorced and DH’s parents hate each other so it would have been a nightmare.

They sat on tables with their families and we sat on the same style round table as everyone else in the middle with the best man, bridesmaids and a couple of others.

i actually never thought to do this and just stick us all on round tables!!! thats one to discuss tonight 😀

My son got married in April and one of the options the venue offered was a table just for the 2 of them. I think these days all sorts of variations exist as families are so diverse (and difficult!). Do what you like, he can suck it up. Sorry your dad won't be there.

The last wedding we went to, the couple sat on their own on a mini top table with her family on one of the closest round tables and his on another. They said they did it so they could just enjoy the meal as a couple. Their parents could also sit with their closest family members. It worked well, it was about people’s enjoyment and not tradition

But it shuts the complainer down, the meal is a short part of the days events, and long term unpleasantness is avoided.

Depends what the most important thing to worry about long term is. Sounds like it's a parent who is making the fuss.

Whenever I see a thread on weddings I’m so glad ours is over and done with! They’re lovely in theory but in practice it’s a ball ache. I had a few threaten not to come, and they were all met with a “lol don’t come then” text. Don’t let someone moan their way onto your top table, don’t let anyone moan their way into you making any changes to your wedding in fact. At the end of the day it’s a contract between two people and the government (and possibly god depending on what you believe).

I assume the person taking great offence to this pictured themselves at the top table? Perhaps you can find some other old English wedding traditions and see if they feel as strongly about them?

It’s your day and I think it’s a lovely idea. Do it!

It's very common now to not have a traditional top table. I think a lot of it has come about due to family dynamics. We and a lot of people we know have had a top table that just consists of the married couple. Just do you and don't worry about other people's views. Everyone will have an opinion on something to do with the day, but you just need to remember that it's your day so ignore them and do it the way you want it.

Ask them where the "traditional" place is for the bride and groom's offspring. Then point out that you can't do "traditional", and that your proposal is actually becoming quite normal.

My son got married last year and him and his wife were at a table of two side by side, and it was at the side. Didn't bother me at all.

My brother had a traditional top table set up, which was sat on as one of the bridesmaids. It was bloody awful, felt totally on display and as I was sat at the end, I could only talk to the person next to me for the whole meal (brothers new FiL, who i had never met before the day!).

Our our wedding, DH &I just went with round tables for all, and sat with my Dad and stepmum, MiL and one of my uncles. It was much nicer, easier to chat, and we sat so we were looking over the rest of the room to see everyone's faces which was nice. Much less stressful! No idea if the other uncles felt "snubbed", none were bothered enough to bring it up so I assume not 😃

OP round tables are much, much nicer IMO. If your venue can do round I’d go for that (we certainly did, and had small children to consider as well).

The trad top table layout sucks I don’t know why people still use it. You are all sat one next to the other in a long line, so you only have your immediate neighbours to talk to; on a normal rectangular table you can also chat to those opposite and diagonally across from you. You don’t have the “other” side on a top table So I think it makes for a boring layout.

round tables - you can see and hear everyone on your table. Much more convivial!

My wedding had just me and my husband on a table together - both of our parents have split and have new partners, plus siblings, too many people to consider.

But then we got married in a registry office and had the reception afterwards in a pub function room so the whole thing was very relaxed

Not a fan of the top table set up anyway. Your plan seems much nicer. If FIL is refusing to attend based on where he sits for dinner then leave him to it. Next it will be him demanding something else and threatening to not attend to get his way. Call his bluff. And feel free to drop or change any ‘traditional’ elements of a wedding to suit yours and your fiancé’s vision.