Help please- is this a really clear decision to make?

[tgifhurray]

To cut a long story as short as possible- I am from a different country originally, made my life her in the UK with DH and family, the plan was always to move home but no matter what we tried, DH can't find a good job over there (or would have serious downsides like monster commute and never being home, plus earning at least a third less than what he does now).

Right now:

• I work school hours in a very low-stress job
• We have tons of family time
• we like in a lovely area with lots of friends nearby
• My son is very happy and has lots of friends, likes his school, mild SEN suspected and good support plan in place.

If we moved, we would lose all of that- but, we would live in a beautiful part of Europe very near my parents. The school system is very different though and SEN support isn't as established as it is over here. Plus, my son is very settled and has made it very clear he doesn't want to move there.

We visit my parents at least every 2 months so see plenty of them.

WWYD? YABU- stay here, YANBU- move

Stay seems more plusses than negatives

What’s the advantages of moving to be near your folks beyond that fact and the ‘beautiful part of Europe’? It doesn’t sound like it’s a 50/50, more a 90/10 in favour of staying here?

Apart from the fact it was your plan, and apart from being closer to your parents, what is making you want to (or feel you should) move back?

You haven't really given a single advantage of moving back?

You haven’t really said why you would want to move back?

Having been a child who was moved countries, I was 11, also having support needs (unrecognised though) I can honestly say it is one of the most traumatic things I have ever been through. I would never move a child unless there was a very clear need to do so, which from what you say, there isn’t.

Did you post about this fairly recently, specifying that your home country was Austria? Has anything changed since your last post, when, from what I remember, you got good advice on things like SEN provision and integration?

You don't mention how you feel about that - do you live near your in-laws at the moment? Are you feeling happy and settled here? Remaining here doesn't have to be permanent, you can put plans on hold until things look more favourable or you feel differently. The facts you lay out make staying look like a no brainer, but you must feel conflicted if you're posting. How do you and your partner feel? Are your parents ailing and need support? Not enough info

You don't mention how you feel about that - do you live near your in-laws at the moment? Are you feeling happy and settled here? Remaining here doesn't have to be permanent, you can put plans on hold until things look more favourable or you feel differently. The facts you lay out make staying look like a no brainer, but you must feel conflicted if you're posting. How do you and your partner feel? Are your parents ailing and need support? Not enough info

Thank you so much for all your quick replies, I can't work out how to reply to each one seperately (first time poster sorry!)

the only reason I want to move is to be near my folks should they need help. I kind of feel it would be easier to do this now rather than in a few years. I'd be guilt ridden if I am here and can't help them.
That's the only reason really that I think of moving!

To the poster asking if I've posted about this before, no, this is my first post on Mumsnet. :)

Would your patents what is best for them, or best for their grandchild (education, stability etc?)

Really, you need to do what works best for now, not what you may, or may not need, in the future. So that seems to be staying here judging by your pros and cons.

I feel this is a no brainer but your emotions are clouding your head

Staying where you are is the obvious best choice from the info you provided

Your main responsibility is to your DC. It sounds like a move would not be in his best interests. It seems pretty clear cut to me that you should stay.

The way you've written this gives the impression you'd prefer to stay. Next step is to consider how to communicate this to your husband's family. Think ahead if you could spend longer over there during school holidays for your children to have a relationship with his side of the family, enjoy the food, learn the language. If you can communicate these to his relatives as well, it will be easier for them to accept your decision staying here.

If your parents need support in the future why couldn’t they move to the uk? Your current situation sounds idyllic and I think you would be crazy to move another option if you work school hours I assume you mean term time only can you not spend the summer there with your child and your husband could pop over for part of it

With a child that has SEN my first and foremost thought would be about which country is better for them. I’m in a similar situation to you but my priority is my child and there is no doubt in my mind that it’s better to raise her here rather than in my home country. The environment, acceptance and understanding we see here (despite what you sometimes come across on mumsnet) will not be the same if we were to move. And as much I love my parents and would do everything to help when the time comes, I have to prioritise my kids wellbeing to give them the best chance in life.

I think you sound very caring to be wanting to help DP in their older years,However ATM you sound very settled here.Where are your DP ? If the US or Europe then you could still help .You would need a care plan in place anyway unless they could live with you .(Not an option for many people) .You have to put DH and DC first really

Remember Brexit? You can’t just move these days.

I would definitely stay put. Best of both worlds. You still get to visit family. Your children get to know their grandparents' and their country through holiday visits.

Maybe once the children are grown up, when your parents may be frail and elderly and in need of more support and regular contact, you could retire there?

I figured out how to reply to inviduals, yey! :) It's my family that are in Europe, DH's are over here. We have a very good relationship with them and see them regularly. They are aware that we did think about moving and are prepared that this might happen. DH has a sibling over here whereas my DB also lives abroad.

I already do this- we spend all summer over there and lots of the half term holidays too, so he spends lots of time with my parents!

Nope, there are certain rules when you have settled status you can bring relatives over. However this is not an option- my parents wouldn't dream of relocating (they're not the most worldly and dont speak much English, and have an amazing house) plus the healthcare is better over there (without wanting to cause any offence at all, I have made good experiences with the NHS)

Beautiful scenery doesn’t compensate for a lot less money, your child being less supported in school and your dh having a git of a commute.

you’vr listed NO advantages of going back.

ah, I see it’s because your are guilty about leaving, in case your parents might require care at some point in the future.

get therapy instead to sort your guilt.

There are options but only if you have not yet become a British citizen. If you have citizenship here (even as a European citizen) you lose the right to bring European dependents. You have to apply for family visa for them and meet all immigration criteria.

But I agree with you re: moving parents here and taking them out of everything they know and love. For us it is also not an option.

Ditto! The thing is, I'm from a wonderful country (don't want to say where as not to be outing) with lots of great things and advantages, but acceptance for SEN lacks behind massively and what is seen here as challenging, but totally doable and "just need support", would be seen as disruptive over there and people would probably say "well he just can't sit still can he".