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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Evil shoe tidier

70 replies

AlexisAlexis · 22/01/2026 22:26

Can I get some clarity please?
I spent the afternoon, tidying and cleaning. Husband left his shoes on the bedroom floor. I asked him to put them away. He refused and said he wanted them there, ready to put on in the morning. I told him they’d be ready to put on in the morning from the shoe cupboard, where we store all of our shoes, and with that logic should he also put his pants and socks on the bedroom floor ready to put on tomorrow? He refused to put his shoes away, so I put them away. He grabbed my bottles of perfume and threw them in a random drawer, shouting very loudly and aggressively that if I was going to move his stuff, he was going to move mine. Was I unfair/unreasonable to put his shoes away?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 23/01/2026 08:37

I'm a bit surprised at the responses given that mumsnet is usually in favour of shoes-off households. Outdoor shoes in bedrooms (especially if carpeted), yuck.

We have a large shoe rack in the hallway near the front door. My husband tends to leave his shoes lying around, typically just inside the front door which is so irritating as they either jam the door next time someone tries to open it or they get tripped over. Plus it looks messy. His excuses are that he takes them off as soon as he comes in but then forgets to carry them across the hall to the rack, or "there isn't enough room on the rack" (there is, you just need to shuffle some around sometimes). I've given up asking him so I just move them into the rack myself. Perhaps I am "controlling" .

I also have a perfume bottle on our bedroom mantlepiece so maybe I'mm also a hypocrite but at least it isn't blocking a door and no-one will fall over it!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/01/2026 08:37

StrangerThingsHappenRoundTheTwist · 23/01/2026 00:31

A friend was once talking about visiting someone who'd just had their kitchen done and happened to mention they kept their toaster in the cupboard

How many of them are there out there? Or maybe it's the same one...

(They also came to mind with this thread)

I’ve read or heard of the kettle in a cupboard, too - so that some manically tidy person could have totally ‘uncluttered’ worktops. To me it’s a sign of MH issues to regard toasters and kettles as ‘clutter’.

honeylulu · 23/01/2026 08:44

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/01/2026 08:37

I’ve read or heard of the kettle in a cupboard, too - so that some manically tidy person could have totally ‘uncluttered’ worktops. To me it’s a sign of MH issues to regard toasters and kettles as ‘clutter’.

When we had our kitchen done our builder/carpenter kept trying to persuade me to have the microwave in a cupboard (quite a high one, eye level) as it would make the worktop clearer and nicer. I tried to explain how impractical it was, that it would be hard to take hot stuff out at at angle and I had visions of tipping boiling hot food over my face but he really didn't get it.

MyThreeWords · 23/01/2026 09:04

YABU. I'd have been angry too. Moving his shoes in the circumstances you describe was controlling; asking him to move them was infantilising.

In most relationships, one person has a different level of stuff-organisation to the other. It's not ok to impose your level on the other person's personal things without a compelling reason (e.g. if the shoes were in a position where they would trip you up on your way to the loo in the dark). You haven't cited any such reason (so it wouldn't be credible to cite it now); you have just cited your preference for the shoe tidier by the door.

I can remember, as a child, my dad SCREAMING at me that I had to dry a teacup I had washed, rather than leaving it on the draining board. The reason he did that was because he was in a long-standing tidiness feud with my mother.

Perhaps because of such memories I feel angry and stressed when my DH imposes his (extremely high) standards of orderliness on my own possessions. Luckily, he is pretty ready to compromise, for the most part. If I touch any of his own things I am careful to put them back exactly as they were before. And he turns a blind eye to my erratically placed shoes, etc. With items that are used jointly, I put them roughly where they should be, and he finesses. Grin

OP, perhaps (like my husband) you don't really understand what it is like in somebody's head if they are not a tidy person. It isn't a choice, generally, to leave things erratically. It is just that you don't know when you are doing things, there isn't the mental moment of deciding where to put them. Perhaps (as in my case), there are a million racing thoughts that cause you to do such thing on autopilot.

We all have different brains, and you don't have to pigeonhole some people as ADHD or whatever before deciding to respect the differences between their head and yours.

RottenBanana · 23/01/2026 09:10

Generalising, but men and women exert control in different ways. Being rigid about everything having to be in exactly the right spot all the time, clothes folded/ironed/hung in a particular manner etc and holding no room for the other person to do things a bit differently can be perceived as controlling. No one likes to be micromanaging at home anymore than they do at work.

Is this man really untidy or is OP is completely rigid about the slightest thing being out of place? Only she can know that. If it is the latter, I can understand why he has got to the stage of childish retaliation.

Stravaig · 23/01/2026 09:12

This is the kind of stuff you figure out either before or just after you move in with someone, and long before you make any long-term commitment to each either, like buy a home or have children together. There is no right or wrong here, only compatibility - or not. You and he are not.

Me, there's no way I'd share a home with someone unless we synced harmoniously on basics like care of the space, foods to eat, etc. Too much stress and hassle otherwise, in what is supposed to be a sanctuary from the world. For others, decades of running battles over personal habits and domestic details are apparently the very stuff that marriage is made of.

Pick - you either carry on fighting, or let it go/not bother you, or separate.

Mirrorx · 23/01/2026 09:13

You both sound ridiculous.

A house is for living in. Things you use daily don't need to be tidied away. He could have dealt with it differently, but maybe this was a final straw?

Stravaig · 23/01/2026 09:19

Luckily, he is pretty ready to compromise, for the most part. If I touch any of his own things I am careful to put them back exactly as they were before. And he turns a blind eye to my erratically placed shoes, etc. With items that are used jointly, I put them roughly where they should be, and he finesses.

@MyThreeWords This is rather lovely 😍

Doggymummar · 23/01/2026 09:21

AlexisAlexis · 22/01/2026 23:12

The shoe cupboard is next to the front door. What’s the point of having storage spaces for particular items if people just leave their things lying around all over the place? If you left out everything that you needed for the following day, there’d be clutter everywhere!

Clutter everywhere, overnight whilst you are sleeping, not worth bothering with

bcski · 23/01/2026 09:21

I don't think outdoor shoes should be in a bedroom anyway and it would annoy me that he was traipsing upstairs in them, especially as you have a shoe cupboard by the front door.

Burntt · 23/01/2026 09:37

His reaction is concerning yes. However I think you were being a bit ridiculous. Although I do appreciate how frustrating it is to have spent ages tidying and cleaning to have it disrespected.

the rule in my house is one pair of shoes out per person. More than that and they need to be cleared.

MyThreeWords · 23/01/2026 10:20

Ooh, I just wanted to add that this differing preference about levels of stuff-organisation is different from the differing levels of effort/concern about housework. If the OP's DH is slack about taking his share of housework then that is annoying and unfair completely separately from his personal stuff organisation.

My DH is orderly with his things to the point where I think it could be diagnosed as a mental health issue, but he is still largely housework blind in the manner of so many DHs.

EDIT ... and I am very housework focused, despite being erratic and disorganised. Much hotter on cleaning than tidying!

Wexone · 23/01/2026 10:20

StrangerThingsHappenRoundTheTwist · 23/01/2026 00:31

A friend was once talking about visiting someone who'd just had their kitchen done and happened to mention they kept their toaster in the cupboard

How many of them are there out there? Or maybe it's the same one...

(They also came to mind with this thread)

Mine is kept in the cupboard - Its not used every day, maybe once every two weeks so put away when not used

rainbean · 23/01/2026 10:31

Wexone · 23/01/2026 10:20

Mine is kept in the cupboard - Its not used every day, maybe once every two weeks so put away when not used

My PIL do this with the toaster, it’s infuriating!

OP, we have this a bit with shoes, we might bicker about it but his reaction was quite childish, was he having a bad day? If he was I’d probably let it go. It does irritate me though when mine puts my main shoes away, I want them right there as they’re on and off all through the day. This is just near the front door though, wouldn’t really want them in a bedroom.

Hmmmmwineandchocs · 23/01/2026 10:38

He overreacted a lot.
I do however get all shoes/bags/coats out the night before i need to be in the office as i know the morning there are so many other things going on it’ll just make things smoother. Nothing is ever left in a place where it’s in the way though.
If I’m not in the office the next day then everything gets put away in the relevant cupboards.

Wexone · 23/01/2026 10:38

rainbean · 23/01/2026 10:31

My PIL do this with the toaster, it’s infuriating!

OP, we have this a bit with shoes, we might bicker about it but his reaction was quite childish, was he having a bad day? If he was I’d probably let it go. It does irritate me though when mine puts my main shoes away, I want them right there as they’re on and off all through the day. This is just near the front door though, wouldn’t really want them in a bedroom.

If she does it in your house the yes its infuriating - but if its in her own house then its not, thats how she lives

Our toaster is hardly every used so its out away, if we used it every single day then yes i would keep it out but we don't

I used to live in house that had very little counter space so we had to put some things away as we had no space, in that house our microwave was in a cupboard, it was a long one, floor to ceiling door, with the microwave on a shelf at waist level, someone mentioned above that they couldn't understand that, but we got used to it, nothing was spilled, if it was put on the counter we would have a tiny area for prep etc Now its my microwave is part of my combi oven

MTOandMe · 23/01/2026 11:38

I just couldn’t be arsed to get worked up over where my husband left his shoes. What other things does he leave out? Not cleaning his mess up/washing pots he’s made, fair enough. But shoes?

NavyTurtle · 26/01/2026 15:59

AlexisAlexis · 22/01/2026 22:26

Can I get some clarity please?
I spent the afternoon, tidying and cleaning. Husband left his shoes on the bedroom floor. I asked him to put them away. He refused and said he wanted them there, ready to put on in the morning. I told him they’d be ready to put on in the morning from the shoe cupboard, where we store all of our shoes, and with that logic should he also put his pants and socks on the bedroom floor ready to put on tomorrow? He refused to put his shoes away, so I put them away. He grabbed my bottles of perfume and threw them in a random drawer, shouting very loudly and aggressively that if I was going to move his stuff, he was going to move mine. Was I unfair/unreasonable to put his shoes away?

Perfume needs to be kept in the dark, preferably in its boxes, not on show in the cruel light of day. Also , maybe your husband was being snarky because in his, and your house, both of you should be able to do as they please without being told off like a child.

Quote
Yes, perfume should be stored in the dark, ideally in a cool, dry place like a cupboard, drawer, or its original box, to prevent light and UV rays from breaking down the fragrance molecules. Direct sunlight and heat can alter the scent, change its color, and significantly shorten its lifespan.

AlexisAlexis · 26/01/2026 16:15

NavyTurtle · 26/01/2026 15:59

Perfume needs to be kept in the dark, preferably in its boxes, not on show in the cruel light of day. Also , maybe your husband was being snarky because in his, and your house, both of you should be able to do as they please without being told off like a child.

Quote
Yes, perfume should be stored in the dark, ideally in a cool, dry place like a cupboard, drawer, or its original box, to prevent light and UV rays from breaking down the fragrance molecules. Direct sunlight and heat can alter the scent, change its color, and significantly shorten its lifespan.

It is. It’s kept in a drawer.

OP posts:
NavyTurtle · 26/01/2026 16:22

AlexisAlexis · 26/01/2026 16:15

It is. It’s kept in a drawer.

Good Woman😉Apologies, as you said he started throwing them in a draw, i assumed they were on the side. So he threw them from one draw to another - very mature of him🙄

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