Am I in the wrong or is my partner?

[Daisychain67]

I have been going through it recently with my mum previously having lung cancer, radiotherapy and now has a collapsed lung which she had a double lobotomy on.

My partner religiously sings football songs at the top of his voice and when he comes back from work he likes to put on his headphones and walk around the house singing. My mood has been really down the past week or so, to the point where I have barely spoken. I flipped today because he hasn’t asked how I am since my mum went into hospital and earlier he asked me “are you alright” in a patronising tone, and I said ”maybe you would know if you took your headphones off and stopped singing stupid football songs”

He is now saying that I’m asking him to be depressed with me, which is not at all what I’m asking, I just can’t be around someone who is acting completely normal and oblivious to my mood. I left the house and sat at a bus stop for over an hour in the rain while he sent me voice notes saying if I want him to be depressed with me then we will have to split up. Again I don’t want him to be unhappy, just more considerate.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want him to be depressed with me but now I feel like I just have to get on with it and pretend I’m okay so that I don’t bring him down

He is an imbecile. Honestly, you are better off without him.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. If strangers on the internet can have the emotional intelligence to offer you some sympathy then he's absolutely can. Tell him to go to a karaoke bar if he wants to sing out loud everyday. If my partner was doing that I'd lose my shit the first time he did it

Look deeper. How is he with other aspects of your life where you may need support. Sounds as though he’s acting out because the status quo has changed and his valued appliance is on the blink…

He sounds insufferable.

Ime ill health or someone dying shows a man's true colours.. My exh was fucking despicable when my dgm was ill and subsequently died...
Our marriage didn't last long after that.

What does this fuckwit bring to your life? In all honesty? You dont have to answer, but ask yourself the question.

Of course you are stressed, worried, upset, fearful - and your chosen partner is saying this? And walking round the house singing?

If I couldn't throw him out i'd have to leave and go to a hotel or a friends house to get away from him.

I really do hope you're able to take some solace from the strangers on the Internet saying YANBU

Sorry about your mum op, the very last thing you need is this loser. You are going through a really tough time and need support, not this waste of space. Please leave him because it’s in these difficult times you learn who is really there for you

What a tosser. And yes he absolutely should be sad with you because the person he supposedly loves most in the world is going through such a hard time. He should be your safe place.

What a twat this man is.

Get rid. You know this, surely?

Who’s name is on the deeds to the house?

edit, if yours, obvs just kick him out

if his, it’s time to get a plan together girl, this man isn’t the one. It sounds to me like you’re at a crossroads in your life with the stress of your mum being ill. I think you know your relationship is over - I think you’d cope better just being alone xx

Before I even read your post, I knew he was going to be in the wrong. Reading your OP, he sounds like a little kid and you must have the ick.

Get rid. You need someone with more maturity, or to be single for a bit. Either choice is preferable to what you have now.

I'm sorry about your mum OP.

Move / kick the BF out. Seriously, what a twat.

What an insensitive prick 😡 you're not asking him to be depressed, you're asking him to show a little consideration for what you're going through. Honestly, it sounds like you'd be better off without him in your life! I hope your mum is improving 💐

Another awful man.
Hopefully you don’t have children with him and you can just leave.

If someone I didn't know belonging to dh was as ill as that I'd be respectful of his mood. To be honest - we all have low days, and even if it's a random low day I'm respectful of his mood and won't go for a boogie around him.

That’s dreadful OP, talk about kicking someone when they’re down. The singing during such a difficult time is bad enough, not checking in on you and now behaving like this when you dare to say something.
His behaviour is disgusting. What’s the point of this relationship? Our partners are supposed to live and care for us. What a cunt.

For comparison, I am currently seeing my ex in a FWB (friends with benefits - we hang out and do dating type stuff and have sex, but no commitment) situation - we aren't even exclusive and certainly not officially back together or anything. (Though I am starting to look more favourable on this as an option).

Through my dad's recent traumatic end of life journey he has been an absolute model of support. There every time I needed him, giving me lifts etc, collecting things from the shops, doing my laundry and washing up, anything to make my life that little bit easier so that I could focus all my energies on dad. And when not physically with me, checking in regularly by text or call, and told me I could call him any hour of the day and night (and meant it). At my worst moments he even cried with me (and this is not a sensitive man who is given to openly crying - pretty much first time I have seen him do so in fact).

If a FWB can do all this, how much more would one expect from a husband?

I mean, to give him the most massive benefit of the doubt imaginable, maybe to start with he didn't realise his singing would upset you. Some people can be dense about things like that.

BUT the minute you raised it, he should have shut up, and asked what he could do to help. Sit and listen?.Do some housework for you? Make you a cup of tea?

The fact that you felt obliged to leave the house AND he then persecuted you with cruel and manipulative voice notes, truly beggars belief.

Can you easily leave this man? If so I would make plans to do so. You would derive way more support and benefit from his absence than his presence at this point.

"He is an imbecile" nails it.
LTB

It seems like an odd daily ritual to pop on headphones and sing football anthems as an adult.
plus he really seems to lack empathy, recognition of your distress- or the situation that might cause distress. It s worrying that you might want to choose someone who could choose such disregard for your emotional state and your loved one’s status.
it s said too when someone shows you who they really are then believe them.
it s unlikely you will change him.

what made you choose to be with him and does it outweigh this behaviour so much that you could forgive it and resign yourself to a lifetime of this in similar scenarios.

or do you choose to have a partner who knows that emotional support an empathy goes two ways in a relationship ?

What an utter dickhead he is your not asking him to be depressed with you your asking for some empathy and compassion that’s not too much ask for. Are you 100% sure that you really need this knob in your life?

First post nails it.

Apart from anything else that's happening, anyone singing football songs outside of an actual football stadium is a that.

He has now left for work early before I’ve woken up, we always wake up at the same time, because he had a “shit sleep” and wants to get work out the way so he can come home and sleep, why is this man so self centred??? Leaving him tonight or over the weekend, we have a DD together so need to plan what I will do

First post nails it.

Apart from anything else that's happening, anyone singing football songs outside of an actual football stadium is a twat.

He sounds extremely strange.

At a time when you need him the most, this is his behaviour! As a PP said, when times are hard, people show their true colours. Get rid. Hope your mum is improving.