To have said something about unsafe car seat straps

[Dinoswearunderpants]

I've just seen a reel on Instagram of someone from my NCT class with her two children aged 18 months and 4 years in car seats without the straps done right. The youngest had no visible straps at all and the oldest had her straps so loose they were on her upper arm.

I was so surprised I decided to look at her other reels and they all show the same. As it's videos you can see they're driving along the motorway.

I wasn't sure whether to say something but I couldn't forgive myself if she had an accident. There's no way the children would survive if it was a bad one.

I politely said I hope she didn't mind me messaging but the car straps were not safe. I said I hated to be 'that person' but I couldn't forgive myself if anything happened.

As excepted, the response was highly emotional and defensive. Saying her kids do lots of feral unsafe things, that car seats were only made legal in 2006 and she never had one as a child and she's perfectly fine. She said I was mum shaming.

I replied politely and said that was never my intention and I'm sorry she felt that way. She replied very abusively and then blocked me.

I know no one wants to be criticised (I literally have a post about my boss doing it) but I only said something out of concern. I know now to never say anything again but it just got me thinking are we really that defensive we can't see how unsafe it is to be driving on a motorway with your children not secure.

It depends entirely on whether your messages to her were public or private.

100% private. I'd never call out publically.

If she sees nothing wrong with the youngest having no straps at all and is happy to post that then she obviously doesn’t care about car seat safety at all. It’s not an unobvious error that she would have appreciated you pointing out is it? You’re not wrong, it was dangerous, but I think the reaction you got was pretty predictable. She doesn’t sound like the kind of person I’d want to be friends with though so maybe good riddance??

I would report her. You tried the nice way, but she's endangering her children's lives and breaking the law.

You're completely right. She obviously doesn't care but that blows my mind.

She's blocked me now so all good.

It did cross my mind to do this but then I thought I'm just interfering. I tried to highlight it and god forbid if anything happens, that's on her conscious.

I have done the same thing. I don’t understand why some parents just don’t take their children’s safety seriously.

I messaged a work friend about their infant car seat, the handle was in the wrong position. They didn’t mind me saying anything and told me it was just for the purpose of the video and it’s normally pulled forward. No hard feelings.

Just last week I said something to my friends son and his girlfriend. Their baby has an oxygen tank as was 15 weeks early. 7 months old but the size of a 3 month old. The car seat wanted binning, looked so old probably expired, no inserts for support so was chin to chest. No chest pads, no head cushion. If they had crashed the baby would be dead. I think it’s everyone’s responsibility.

All you can do is try and move on. Unfortunately some people just don’t care. I do tend to share a lot on car seat safety and extended rear facing. Hopefully might get through to some people.

This would really bother me op. Do you have a mutual friend you could speak to? I suppose now she has blocked you you can't see the videos anymore to use as evidence.

I would ask myself "if the worst happened and she had an accident and something awful happened to the children would I feel I had done everything i could have to prevent it?". I really overthink things though, but at the end of the day, two little lives are at stake.

I'd reach out to the other NCT members first. And then think about reporting g to police. Sorry it's such an awkward situation.

If I understand correctly you sent the message privately and not on a group chat. In this case, in think you were right to say something. I think her reaction shows that she knows she's wrong...

Although she has blocked you she may later reflect on what you said and change her habits. You have done the right thing and she probably will start strapping them in more safely in the future.

Whilst I do think you were right to mention it to her and I think your heart is in the right place I do find your comment that you would never call her out publicly a bit disingenuous being that you posted about it on your relatively successful insta platform of 17k followers - it wouldn’t take a genius to work out who it was if they wanted to!

She’s a complete muppet, and stupid with it. Her poor kids.

You did nothing wrong.

The argument about her never having a car seat and being fine is so short sighted - how many crashes was she in? Statistically, none of us need car seats on an individual level as we won't have a crash, but obviously, some individuals will crash, and they're the ones that need to have the right car safety equipment. If you were never in a car crack, or a high speed one, then your experience isn't particularly relevant here.

I’ve had a disagreement with a friend over something car seat safety related. She was of course very defensive and annoyed I said something to her. It’s hard isn’t it.

I’d react the same (well- not the 2006 feral stuff) I think there is a particular kind of (always) mother who gets off on trying to enforce car seat safety and it’s self satisfying and parroting, as well as busy body. I do know you’re not doing it consciously but maybe REALLY think about why you’re so into it and challenge yourself about whether it just makes you feel good to tell people off.

This is the dumbest thing I’ve read in a while.
The reason a lot of us take car seat safety seriously is because it’s literally a matter of life or death in the event of a crash.
Seeing any child in safely strapped in and wanting to help isn’t being a ‘busy body’, it’s caring about the child’s life enough to want to prevent harm in the case of an accident.

What a ridiculous comment.

Yep I do think you believe that. You’re basically an angel #savinglives

You have obviously been told before that you’re not following car seat safety which is why you’re so bitter?

I never stick my nose in any one’s business unless I know it’s dangerous. My friend started forward facing her baby at 12 months (considering he was also tiny too like 5th centile!) and I told her, it’s recommended to rear face and it’s actually illegal until 15 months. I don’t care how she wears her baby, what clothes she dresses them in, how often she baths them. But if it’s dangerous and could be harmful then yes I’m going to say something.

Another one I had was a dad letting his small toddler about 3 years old get in the front seat No bumper seat no car seat. I told him they need to be in a car seat and of course you get the “he’ll be fine” but it’s dangerous.

I don’t see any issue in bringing it up if you think it could save the life of an innocent child…

It’s easier to comment that you don’t really care about your child’s safety rather than batter other people who do care.

You should never worry about interfering in a child's safety. You did the right thing.

I’ve never been told that.

I have witnessed it on parenting forums for 20 years though. It’s gained momentum as more and more people have “decided” the thing they’re passionate about is car seats

I can understand the debate with forward facing/reverse facing if your kids get car sick but why on earth would you not follow car seat safety rules? @Itsmetheflamingo It’s to stop your kids dying in a crash? It’s not like parenting choices with sleep, food, discipline etc.

I think if someone is routinely driving down motorways with their kids not even/barely strapped in, they are probably too thick to take on board any advice sadly but let’s hope. Well done for trying!

How do you know they have just 'decided'? And that they or a friend or relative hasn't been through a traumatic car accident where a decent car seat used correctly saved their child's life? People are allowed to share things they are passionate about. For example people who have had cancer may then go on to fundraise/raise awareness about early screening etc, it's similar but no one would have a go at the 2nd person for being a 'busybody'.

Or, like me, they have worked in a paediatric A and E at a major trauma centre and seen first hand the impact of parents/carers not following car safety laws. One particularly bad one will always stay with me - where a parent let a 4 year old sit in front seat with no car seat with her feet on dashboard. They crashed, and it shattered both her legs completely, she lost one leg pretty much completely and one above the knee. This child will never walk again and be in pain for her whole life, because the laws were not followed. No parent intends this to happen, they aren't bad people, but they lack awareness on the how serious car safety is. If raising awareness can prevent one child going through something like this, then it's worthwhile.