Am I harming my baby?

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Posting here for traffic. Thanks in advance for reading.

I have an 11 month old (and an older child with SEN). My baby has needed a bottle of milk to nap and sleep from around 5mo. He was sleeping independetly and through the night until then. He has since woken up numerous times for milk overnight also. Now things have settled with my older child, I want to tackle these habits with the baby. He won't rock to sleep. I cannot stay with him until he falls asleep since I cannot leave my older child alone for long. For the past 2 nights I've been feeding him outside of the cot then placing him in the cot awake but tired. I stay with him for a couple of minutes then leave. He cries a lot and I check in on him every 3 minutes until his crying becomes intermittent. On the first day this took around 10 minutes. Today it's taken 4 minutes.

I've paid for a sleep coach to help with both children but I'm struggling with her advice. She's saying that I shouldn't leave him if he sounds upset? He does sound upset and distressed when I leave. I wish I could stay with him which is what she suggests but it's impossible as a single parent. I did for my eldest child and now I'm stuck with a 2 year old who is addicted to her bottle all day and cannot sleep without it. I really didn't want to make the same mistakes with my son but equally I don't want to harm him, give him an attachment disorder later in life, or dysregulate or overwhelm his little nervous system.

Please talk some sense into me!

10 mins day 1 and 4 mins day 2?!!!! You’ve cracked it!

10 mins day 1 and 4 mins day 2?!!!! You’ve cracked it!

10 mins day 1 and 4 mins day 2?!!!! You’ve cracked it!

10 mins day 1 and 4 mins day 2?!!!! You’ve cracked it!

Sorry I might need some explanations - does your 2-year old sleeps in separate room? Are there any other people in the house?

The truth is, nobody knows. I looked at the research and decided I didn't want to do controlled crying, but lots of parents do and their dc are fine. You have to make the best choice for your family.

Yes they're both in separate rooms. Just me and the kids.

This is what I really worry about. But the situation was getting out of hand with both of them regressing in their sleep at the time and none of sleeping well at all. I was averaging 2-3hrs sleep a night as I ran between the rooms at one point. Once the worse was over, I thought it would be good to address his bottle to sleep issue.

4 minutes is a very short period of time

I would continue with what you are doing for now. Reassess in a week.

Remember that lack of sleep is proven to be harmful.

The reality is that a loved dc with an otherwise responsive adult will be ok. It sounds like you've weighed the options.

I survived through co-sleeping and wearing my baby in a sling while managing the sleep of my toddler. I think we are all doing our best for our family overall, and it's hard for anyone outside to judge.

It's fine. Ten minutes isn't very long and four minutes is even less. Keep going.

Try having a read through this article, it's got points from both sides of the arguments on sleep training based on results from research done over decades.
https://laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/

How old is the older kid?

The cry it out method is being banned in some countries. Take from that what you will. I'm not going to preach but there's no way on this earth I would let my child cry themselves to sleep. They don't learn to self soothe, they just learn that noone is coming for them

10 minutes is nothing! I did more with mine and they are both great / not damaged in the least. If this means you have a baby who can fall asleep by themselves absolutely keep going - it is transformational for your and your family's ability to function. I get the mum guilt but honestly this is so little crying in the context of how much babies cry that you shouldn't waste a single thought on it.

If your baby was crying during the day would you leave them for that amount of time?

Can they share a room for a while? Then you can be present for them both, in one room. This is what I did for my 2 for a while (about 6months in the end)!

Where? How could you ban it? How does that work practically? If I need a wee and leave baby in the cot while they cry, does that count? Why is that different fundamentally? If baby wakes and cries, how quickly do I have to respond before it becomes illegal?

Can’t you do them both at the same time? I have a 5 yo 2 yo and 8 month. I do bedtimes solo.

first we all read stories in my big bed, then 5 yo gets tucked up (awake), then I put baby to bed. The I hold 2 yo hand til they fall asleep in their cot

It's fine, OP. And I say that as someone who tried sleep training and couldn't get it to work. DS just kept crying: if he'd stopped after 10 minutes it would have been worthwhile. That's not a long time for them to be upset and you are checking on them. Mine was upset for longer then that with his dad when he wanted me instead.

That's fine op, you know your baby. Under 1, mine couldn't self settle. Her cries when we tried were something else (never left more than 2 minutes consequently). When she was older, the cries changed and she learnt, but we still left for 10 min max. I'm sure you likewise were alert to the type of cry and provided plenty of reassurance.

Good job that OP isn’t letting her baby cry it out then and is going back in every 3 minutes, so her baby can learn that someone is coming - in no more than 3 minutes time.

The only scientific evidence is this: cortisol will be released as soon as baby is upset, and we think it’s affect on the brain is harmful to development.

The OP isn't describing cry it out. You've just speed read and assumed.

Take from that what you will..

Well, I will get called the worst mother in the world but just let him cry. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique for a reason.

I would follow your normal routine, put them to bed and then that's it. None of this going back in nonsense, just leave them. Yes they will learn no one is coming, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. They learn it's bedtime.

It took three nights with my eldest and two with the youngest and we all got to sleep again.

And before you all climb in with claims of child abuse, they are both adults now and totally fine. In an ideal world they could have got the idea of sleeping themselves but that wasn't happening and I needed to sleep. Do whatever you have to do.