Old letters

[Doineedawobble]

Moved in together, sorting through our clobber. My DP has a box of old correspondence which includes quite a lot of letters from an ex, this relationship ended more than 20 years ago (when people still wrote to eachother 😀). I have also had letters like this but got rid of them along the way as I couldn't see any value in holding onto them. I haven't said anything but I feel odd about the fact that he's held onto them, she's definitely not the one that got away and to some extent it's more to do with the fact he is a hoarder and this is the first time he's moved in decades. He has yet to 'sort' this box but in the meantime I'm feeling stressed incase they stay in there. If so, how do I even approach this with him? He doesn't know I know they exist.

Oh I feel this OP! Also married to a hoarder, had an attic full of boxes including this sort of thing. I dealt with it by telling him I’d looked, seen them and they made me feel insecure and unhappy. He got rid of pretty much everything. I didn’t want that stuff in my space and I think that’s reasonable.

Don’t mention it. Ever. People are allowed a past.

What is your end-goal here? For him to erase his past, or for you to recover the physical space that this box is taking up?

^ This. You should not have read them. We all have past loves. It doesn't mean he loves you any the less.

I've not read them!! I know who they are from as the name and address is on the back of all the envelopes, I absolutely would not want to read them. I know if I asked he would clear them out. It's not the physical space as such, it's only a small box , it's more the idea that he might want to hold onto someone else's words of love adoration. I know I need to give my head a wobble.

They're a part of his past, and part of what made him the person you're with now. He keeps stuff, you don't: you might find you have different approaches to all kinds of keepsakes and tokens, and that's ok. Leave it alone now.

I’m genuinely perplexed about what the issue is. Just put them back and forget they’re there. He’s allowed to have a past and allowed to be sentimental about it, and one box of old letters is hardly hoarding. I also think you reading them (if you have) is a gross invasion of privacy.

Let me reiterate I have NOT read them. I've listened to your comments and will put this to bed.

I have some cards from my ex still. I haven’t advertised it to DP, but if he found them in the attic I’d be a bit like 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s just the past. He’s got an ex wife he had a child with, I’m sure I’m allowed a few old cards.

Unlike PP, I would ask about it. I can't see why it'd be a problem.

Thank you all for the feedback, it's reassuring to know this is just something people might hold onto. As I said I'll put it out of my thoughts, there's much more positive stuff to focus on.

A problem to ask or a problem if he wants to keep them?

I can't see why it'd be a problem to ask 👍 He is your dp and if he's a good egg, kind, understanding, respectful, etc. he shouldn't have any qualms about being honest with you about them.
If he wants to keep them I'd want to understand why. But he may not even know he has them!

Thank you, I suppose that's where my thoughts were going, why would you want to keep them? But most other people seem to think it's normal. It wouldn't be a problem to ask.

I think it's normal to keep stuff. But then I am a bugger for the kids' old school work, notes, letters, and so on - as well as some of my own. I think we all have to accept that people are different on this, and some find it very hard to discard things that once meant a lot.

I disagree with others on this thread. Why would you want to hang onto keepsakes from a previous partner? Of course people can have a past. But by keeping these letters he’s bringing that relationship into the present and giving it an importance. And it bothers OP, she’s allowed to feel uncomfortable. I don’t think bottling it up and pretending not to be bothered is a good plan. Why not tell him you saw them and that it bothered you?

I guess that was kind of my feeling, of course people have a past but when you are setting up a home in the present why keep the remnants of an old relationship in that space? I hear people are different in that regard. I think I will wait until he has finished sorting his stuff and see if they have been given a space in our house or in fact if he decides to get rid of them. I am saying nothing for now. He just packed everything up from decades of living elsewhere so he is sorting now rather than having sorted before.

I keep all this sort of stuff because it’s my life and memories. I’ve chucked stuff away in the past and regretted it.

If he’s a bit of a hoarder, it sounds like it may not have any special meaning other than him just liking to hold onto things.

I have a box of old letters and cards from old friends and exes, if my DH said I had to get rid of them I'd find it weirdly possessive and insecure. Those old letters take me back to an old version of myself in my teens and early twenties, and it's nice to be able to revisit happy moments and feelings from those times. You have your partner now in the present, why do you feel a need to monopolise his past?

If you ask, he really has no choice but to throw them away. She’s allowed to feel uncomfortable- but she shouldn’t automatically expect him to fix that for her.

That might be true if he were constantly reading them and weeping softly, but if they're just in a box somewhere, how is he bringing the relationship into the present?
I think it's silly to be bothered about them, especially if he's someone who keeps everything.

I have old love letters from my first boyfriend, and letters written in class passed between me and my friends. They're momentos of a life lived. Just like I've kept DCs first drawings, and birthday cards from people who won't be around forever.

People have pasts. That's one of the things when you are older and dating, you have to accept. I have a few photos with ex in it to cut him off would spoil them, and I cannot erase a marriage to see him on the odd times he was a dad is good. If I destroyed them, that would be being nasty to my kids. think somewhere is my partner's wedding album with his ex; 1970s wedding we have sat and had a good laugh at the fashions in suits and his Kevin Keegan perm!

I've got boxes and boxes of old letters and cards from school, ex-boyfriends - I wouldn't part with them, they're nostalgic.

I've got a box of XDH's letters. I dare say DH has got some similar .