Old letters

[Doineedawobble]

Moved in together, sorting through our clobber. My DP has a box of old correspondence which includes quite a lot of letters from an ex, this relationship ended more than 20 years ago (when people still wrote to eachother 😀). I have also had letters like this but got rid of them along the way as I couldn't see any value in holding onto them. I haven't said anything but I feel odd about the fact that he's held onto them, she's definitely not the one that got away and to some extent it's more to do with the fact he is a hoarder and this is the first time he's moved in decades. He has yet to 'sort' this box but in the meantime I'm feeling stressed incase they stay in there. If so, how do I even approach this with him? He doesn't know I know they exist.

this falls under ‘ not your business’ and he is allowed to keep whatever he wants to from his past. He’s even - shock horror - allowed to know they’re there and actively want to keep them.

unless he’s mooning over her and wanting to relive their relationship again, what he chooses to do with old keepsakes isn’t your concern and just highlights insecurity

I guess that was kind of my feeling, of course people have a past but when you are setting up a home in the present why keep the remnants of an old relationship in that space?

By the same token, in the present he's setting up a home with you. Why do you feel so threatened by something that happened to him decades ago? I'm genuinely nonplussed at trying to understand why this has anything to do with you. You don't seem to think that he's pining for his ex as his One True Love™ or anything that would affect your relationship with him today.

Is it that you think he shouldn't be allowed a touch of sentimentality? Do you want him to be entirely emotionless about every other woman he's ever been with apart from you? Heaven forfend that you ever split up but if you did, would you be happy if he discarded your memory as readily as you seem to want him to discard the memory of this ex?

Would you want him to destroy every memory of you should this relationship not work out? To erase you, remove every trace you existed in his life?

I cannot understand why it would worry you that he has a past an also likes to think about that past. I like to look back, it doesn't mean I want to be back there or relive any of it. It is part of the path that made me who I am today. Both Dh and I get that about each other. We also have talked about our past relationships and shock horror have both met the exes.

I think if you mention it he might feel compelled to get rid and then might regret it. It is his private stuff, he doesn't have to share everything with you or go scorched earth on anything that happened before you.

Crikey, a lot of you have me penned as someone I'm not and thinking in a way I'm not thinking. As I said early on I know this is a 'me issue' and I absolutely think he has a right to do what he wants, I was just trying to understand it a bit better. I will take the more balanced responses and, as I said earlier, put this to bed. I can't be bothered trying to defend myself to those who think I'm going to dictate how things should be, that's not how it lies with me.

I think there are a lot of weird responses on this thread. These are love letters from an ex, that’s entirely different from kids’ drawing or your old school reports. Being sentimental about past relationships is not a good thing - remembering the good times is fine but hanging onto expressions of love from someone else? Big nope. And yes, if my marriage ended I absolutely WOULD want my letters destroyed, the thought of a future partner seeing them is awful. I don’t think my attitude is unusual.

well, I guess the fact that there are 'a lot' of responses indicating they would save such letters and wouldn't mind their partner doing so suggest those responses aren't 'weird' - people are different?

Or the handful of people who have responded on this thread so far might not be representative?

And yes, if my marriage ended I absolutely WOULD want my letters destroyed, the thought of a future partner seeing them is awful. I don’t think my attitude is unusual.

I do think your attitude is unusual, not least the expectation that a future partner would want to read those letters. I think the majority of people - past their teenage years, anyway - simply aren't that insecure.