Thinking of going NC with sibling - AIBU?

[SiblingAngst]

I'm thinking of going NC with one of my siblings, but this would be quite a big thing for me, and I have never done anything like this before.

I have 2 siblings. There have been a lot of things happen in our family lately (parent illness, deaths), and 2 of us have stepped up and done a lot. There is something else coming up that we need to deal with and I just know that our other sibling will do nothing.

For me, it is like one of those cakes that has loads of layers in it. It has just built up over years. I think both they and their spouse have treated me with contempt.

Both my siblings are a lot older than me. I spent my teens, 20's and 30's sending their DC birthday and Christmas presents and when I had my DC, they got nothing. I know this is not important, but it is one layer on the cake.

I am the one with the most on my shoulders. They had loads of help with childcare, money etc. and as the youngest and late to having DC I missed all that. Now I am the one doing all the elderly care and helping extended family, working, and dealing with my DC whilst they play golf and go on holidays. Also, I have suggested meeting up with them a few times and they have just blown me off. We actually live really close to each other. A few years ago I needed some personal help and they said to me "I am not lending you any money", when actually all I wanted was them to check in and see if I was OK once in a while and give me a bit of support and advice.

Last night I sat there and cried. I have to work FT, deal with my house, family, take time off work to be back in time to take one of my DC to school activities he is in after school, deal with sick elderly parent and I am just exhausted.

I have to take time off work next week to deal with sick parent. My holiday is just about to drop in and I am already spending my precious days off on hospital visits with relatives. I'll have none left to do anything with.

So my AIBU. Said sibling won't lift a finger but does expect daily updates on what is going on. I feel that if you are not prepared to help (there is no backstory, or bad feelings, or anything. It is just pure selfishness at not putting themselves out) then you don't deserve to know. Plus, I am not your PA. That is more work for me.

I am in half mind to just go, you know what, lets just not bother with each other any more and I just completely drop the rope, and stop waiting for them to throw me a tiny fish.

It’s not their fault you had children later than them
They don’t have to babysit or provide any childcare
If they want to play Golf, that’s their prerogative

When it comes to the Sick Parent.. have you told them that they need to do some of the appointments? How many times a week do they have the appointments, they really should be split.

Going NC won’t mean that you are doing less ..

Seems like an over-reaction.

How much are you having to do for your parent?
have they been assessed by social services for a care package?
are there lots of hospital appointments?

Have you told them you're struggling and asked them to do something specific like appointments on a specific day? If so and they've refused I'd stop updating them as often, I'd tell them you're so busy you are cutting out non essentials and if they're that keen for an update they can visit your parent and hear directly. Tell them you'll give them an update every week / 2 weeks and in an emergency

Have you thought about starting a WhatsApp group where you stick updates or. I did this and found it very useful and we needed to give updates on my dad to someone who was bombarding me with phone calls

You can also do things like put polls on there asking who is available to do XYZ.

but going no contact just because you’re feeling a bit salty and haven’t really managed the issue seems a bit extreme to me

The main thing they need to step up with is helping look after your parents. I would arrange a meeting with them and ask how to divide it more fairly.
Are you the only woman? Men can be lazy fuckers about this and see it as women's work.

Yanbu. It sounds like it's not worth bothering with them. You could tell then what you've told us as they might not be thinking of some of it.

The thing about elderly parents is that everyone has different capacity, both practically and emotionally, as well as different levels of desire, to help. The fact that they do not help does not mean you have to do it all. I know you feel that way, as I have been in your position, but ultimately, you have the same choice they do. If you weren’t there to help, someone else would have to step in - either your siblings or social services. It’s hard, really hard, but that’s the truth. That doesn’t mean you owe them updates though, unless you want to. As you say, you are not their PA.

I think NC is a bit extreme at this point, but i would certainly pull back from doing all the work with your parent(s)!

If your siblings have time for golf, they have time to help out more. So id let them know the days you are and aren't available, and say 'one of you will need to do x y or z'. Balls in their court then.

You need some annual leave for yourself and your family too.

And I certainly wouldn't be facilitating daily updates - that is so they feel less guilty. If they want to know they can go round and help!

(Caveat : above is assuming siblings dont have major issues themselves around health / work / travel distance / childhood trauma)

How long is the situation with the sick relative likely to continue for? If this has a natural short span I might be tempted to suck it up but I would ‘drop the rope’ to use the famous expression and tell sibling if they want to know how parent is, visit them. I am not their PA.
If this is going to continue for months/ years I am afraid to say I would remove my services for a month / maybe 2 and say I am burned out and need a break and do not contact me for assistance. Siblings / social care can sort it out between them and when there is a new equilibrium reached that does not include me. I would restart some help.

Is it just one of your siblings that doesn’t help? As you mentioned going NC with one, who I suspect is a brother.

How much does the other one help? what do they think about Golf Sibling?

I've gone NC with a sibling. I have absolutely no regrets and it was definitely the right thing in the long term. But our parents and extended family blamed me and it damaged out relationships, sibling ramped up difficult behaviour and the whole thing was very stressful in the short term. My advice would be to consider what benefit you want to get from going NC and is there an easier way to achieve this. If you go NC the sibling is very unlikely to do more of the elderly care etc. If you just don't want to have to be the go-between passing on information could you tell them you don't have time and stop doing it? Every time they call and ask say 'I told you I don't have time for this, if you've only called me to check on [relative] then call them instead'.

Given that going NC is not going to help your immediate problem of time spent dealing with elderly relatives, and you can't force sibling to do more, I'd suggest properly looking at whether anything you are doing could be 'outsourced' to a formal helper or done in a way that is less time consuming for you. Eg. Do you need to be at your relatives' medical appointments or are you just their transport? If the latter, could they get a taxi or are there patient transport options. Their GP/hospital may be able to advise on this. If you are doing cleaning/shopping etc could they pay a cleaner and/or could you help them organise supermarket deliveries.

I think you’re being unfair about some things — it’s not your fault you had children later and that they had access to childcare and help that you didn’t. It’s not their fault you’re working FT and dealing with your children while they play golf. You’d be doing those things regardless of whether they existed or not. And you’re making the choice to take holidays to take a parent to medical appointments. It’s just this last part you need to sort out more equitably between the three of you. Going NC won’t resolve that.

Yes, other non helping sibling is male.
My other sibling helps a bit, but very begrudgingly.

My point about my siblings was that they are older than me and had DC young. They had loads of childcare from my mum (now deceased) and were able to work stress free. They are both now retired/ work p/t due to being financially able to retire early.

They both have great social lives and 4 holidays a year. They don’t want to be dealing with elderly relatives.

My gripe is that despite the amount I have on my own plate with zero help, I’m happy to do my 1/3. I can’t do the others share and a bit of my reluctant siblings too. I’m f*cking tired, upset and exhausted. I also live miles away so helping my parent involves staying over for days on end.

But what would going NC resolve? Wouldn’t it just bring additional drama to your life? Why are you providing daily updates? Have you sat down with everyone involved to have a discussion on how it would all be managed and who would do what? Have they refused point blank?

It seems to me that you have built resentment over time. I would just stop engaging with them to be honest. Drop the rope but don’t announce anything as it will create drama. When they call to ask about the relative, only pick up once a week and ask them when they are going to see the relative.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you want to help your parents that is your choice.
if you want to do less then do less. You could try being more direct and asking them to do more but it’s up to them.
I live the furthest from my Mum but I do almost all the care. My siblings do very little. It be amazing if they did more but it’s their choice just as it’s mine to help. I haven’t fallen out with them at all.
It was kind of you to get your nephews and Bruce’s gifts etc but lots of people don’t do gifts.
im really close to my nephews and nieces and now that they are adults I occasionally give them some money but I never gave anything when they were kids just as their parents didn’t give anything to my kids. It didn’t mean anything.
It was a shame they weren’t more supportive when you needed help but I don’t think going NC in response to that is a good idea.
Going NC is appropriate sometimes but it’s a lot less dramatic to just step back a little.

This still means the OP does all the caring and all the updates and all the work load and the other sibling does nothing, makes snide comments or chips in from the side. I would be prepared to do this / if they were doing their fair share and updating too.

This isn’t just about them not buying your DC stuff. When you wanted emotional support they made it clear they weren’t going to do that.

I would set up a WA group and write

Dear x

We need to share this more fairly. I can not do it to the extent I have been doing. In terms of practical help they need: ….. next week and in the short term these things need doing……..

Could you do hospital visits Monday Wednesday and Friday next week and I will do Tuesday and Thursday.

if they say no / hold the line and say I can’t do Tuesday and Thursday. I can do 3 days but not 5 days. And gradually back off.

Or as hard as it is - do nothing and say I can’t do anything to help next week or the week after I have family and work commitments.

Your type of sibling will do the bare minimum - so you need to match them.

Also be kind to you, if you don’t visit an elderly relative in hospital every day / but once give yourself permission and say to your sibling I am going on Tuesday what days are you going?

But just stop. Don’t be a pushover with anyone and put yourself a your children first.

Saying I do not have time is perfectly valid!

How would going no contact help?

By NC do you mean using complete silence as a passive aggressive weapon? I.E. you stop speaking to them and don't tell them why?

If so, that's a narcissistic trait....so, no. Don't do that

Do your third and leave it to your DF to sort the other two thirds. I was the “doer” in your situation and my siblings did bugger all but I didn’t over stretch myself to cover their deficiencies…

Wouldn't going nc make it worse for you? Wouldn't you end up doing more. Plus NC is usually a way of dealing with abusive people where as your siblings sound like people you don't have a great relationship with but they don't sound abusive.
The childcare thing really isn't anything to do with them it is just because your parents were older when you had your kids. Defintely not your siblings fault.

I would just drop the rope a bit with the care for your parent. Just do what you can manage and let them step in instead.

It sounds like the only contact between you (due to their attitude towards you) is the updates so just stop giving them and then you’re as good as no contact without any big actions needed. If they ask for an update simply ignore and if they push it say “If you want to know, visit them and find out yourself. I don’t have time to care for them and be your PA”

Definitely stop giving daily updates. They can phone/visit themselves if they want to know. I’d also step back on how much you’re doing. “I can’t take you to hospital next Tuesday dad, you’ll have to ask John or Mike”. “I’m only available to visit next Monday and Wednesday dad, phone john and Mike if you need help the other days”.
Im wondering if your dad thinks you should be doing it all because you’re the female?

At the very least, the chores should be split three ways, and especially with you having childcare and a full-time job. I think you should definitely create a group whatsapp as someone suggested and say that you need help to care for your elderly relative as, at the moment, the amount you are doing is unsustainable and you have had to take on all the care so far. It's completely unfair as they benefited from having more help as well. They should be showing their appreciation for all that by helping now when your father needs it. Good luck and I hope it gets better.

I’d give them one more chance, tell them how you feel & ask for support, if they continue as is then consider low contact, if they still persist in acting like this then go NC.

Re: they had more support with childcare/money (I’m assuming you mean from your parents) that’s an issue with your parent, not them.

Similar situation,NC with a female and male sibling,years of caring for mother,no visits from them ,it was awful and I live the furthest away ,hundreds of miles in fact, had to go and live there,my kids are grown,and I can wfh but,it became horrendous,unfortunately for the one no contact sibling it all changed be cause he didn't know he was the designated power,and medical power of attorney, mother said he did know and ,being old fashioned it goes to the eldest male sibling,so he stuck her in a home even further away,,and never visits,the other one doesn't either,however regarding the NC and I'm also youngest,I find them to be both toxic and have no regrets about NC. However this doesn't help you when your right in the middle of it,but you need to find out who has power of attorney, and give yourself a break.

Kindly OP, you don’t need to go NC (which I loath as a concept), you need better boundaries.
Do less for your relatives. Those who need care, perhaps help set that up (either they pay or if entities they get it funded). Those who just want you to help/do favours, say no or really limit that. You can’t martyr yourself (using up lots of holiday, exhausting yourself and stretching yourself thin) and then blame your siblings for not doing more. They don’t way to and that’s their choice.
Your historic gripes about them getting more help With kids, having more holidays now etc. are irrelevant to the care you’re choosing to provide now. Don’t make a big scene with the whole “I’m going NC” thing. Just step back.