Thinking of going NC with sibling - AIBU?

[SiblingAngst]

I'm thinking of going NC with one of my siblings, but this would be quite a big thing for me, and I have never done anything like this before.

I have 2 siblings. There have been a lot of things happen in our family lately (parent illness, deaths), and 2 of us have stepped up and done a lot. There is something else coming up that we need to deal with and I just know that our other sibling will do nothing.

For me, it is like one of those cakes that has loads of layers in it. It has just built up over years. I think both they and their spouse have treated me with contempt.

Both my siblings are a lot older than me. I spent my teens, 20's and 30's sending their DC birthday and Christmas presents and when I had my DC, they got nothing. I know this is not important, but it is one layer on the cake.

I am the one with the most on my shoulders. They had loads of help with childcare, money etc. and as the youngest and late to having DC I missed all that. Now I am the one doing all the elderly care and helping extended family, working, and dealing with my DC whilst they play golf and go on holidays. Also, I have suggested meeting up with them a few times and they have just blown me off. We actually live really close to each other. A few years ago I needed some personal help and they said to me "I am not lending you any money", when actually all I wanted was them to check in and see if I was OK once in a while and give me a bit of support and advice.

Last night I sat there and cried. I have to work FT, deal with my house, family, take time off work to be back in time to take one of my DC to school activities he is in after school, deal with sick elderly parent and I am just exhausted.

I have to take time off work next week to deal with sick parent. My holiday is just about to drop in and I am already spending my precious days off on hospital visits with relatives. I'll have none left to do anything with.

So my AIBU. Said sibling won't lift a finger but does expect daily updates on what is going on. I feel that if you are not prepared to help (there is no backstory, or bad feelings, or anything. It is just pure selfishness at not putting themselves out) then you don't deserve to know. Plus, I am not your PA. That is more work for me.

I am in half mind to just go, you know what, lets just not bother with each other any more and I just completely drop the rope, and stop waiting for them to throw me a tiny fish.

I don't think you are being unreasonable....it is very hard to juggle everything whilst not getting any help.
If your sibling at least took on half the care for your parents you would have more time and not feel so alone.
I get that you feel that they didn't have to struggle when they had children as your parents were around to help and now you have everything to deal with.
If it makes you feel better to go NC with them, then do so. There are no rules here.
If they want updates perhaps they can visit your parents themselves to find out. Going NC won't change how they are behaving but if it reduces a small amount of your stress, then go for it.

It is hard. I did this and with my parents y + extended family last year. I only sent messages/have contact with my mum/sister/extended family on holidays/birthdays and is very clinical.

Very similar situation to yours and I was going through a rough time as I had bad news around fertility. I thought my sister would understand but she made it about herself and decided that offering me money, which I never asked for, was the right thing to do. Followed by "don't bother me with your issuess" when I flat out said I clearly have no family, if I do not deserve a basic I am sorry you are going through this.

I cut them all out after years of being gaslight, disrespected, blamed for everything ,and diminished to nothing, despite being the one who hads build absolutely everything from nothing on my own, solved all problems, did al the calling, traveling and compromising to mantain a relationship.

To some I said my peace, to others I just never responded again and that was it. Felt so much better not trying to get their support/love anymore. It gets lonely, but they weren't supporting me in any way shape or form. I received a text basically explaining why she doesn't think she needs to appologise to me 8 months later and how my emotions and reaction to the news about my fertility was inappropriate and exggerated. I have just responded with ok.

I have not seen my nephews and lost any interest to ever have relationship with them or on checking with her during her pregnancy/after. I was sick to death of her expectations to be the centrer of my life. I do not ask, or show any interest in their lives, etc. If my grandmother mentions something, the answer is "ok". I do not shate anything about my personal life, achievements, career, relationships, or health. If anyone asks how I am - I respond all good and yourself. That's it. I recently told my nan I got a driving licence, she of course told my mum so I got a message to congratulate me (that is after months of shouting at me about me not passing the first time while we still spoke, as if she was paying for it), just liked it - that's it.

If your gut is telling you to cut them off - do it and watch. If they valued you and wanted a relationship with you, they would reflet on what you said and try to make ammends. If they do not, then they will say they have nothing to appologise for, that you misunderstood, are too sensitive etc.

You’re definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed with both your siblings.

The key thing though is that you are doing too much. Unless the situation with your parent’s care is likely to be short term then I think you need to step back. It’s not right that you are burntout and using all your holiday - it’s not fair on you or your children. You need to work out what you can reasonably do for your parent and then tell your siblings this is what you can do - they either fill the gaps or you look at carers.

while your parent still needs care I probably wouldn’t go nc but I would stop giving them daily updates and I’d only speak to them when I had something to discuss or it was convenient. Good luck OP it’s not selfish to put yourself and your children first.

@SiblingAngst what tasks are required that need you to stay for “days on end” as that sounds like DF may be in need of 24/7 care.
could you may be say what you need to do and the hive mind could help with suggestions to outsource some tasks?

With regards to them having childcare, they used my mum and dad to do pickups, drop offs and all day holidays etc. so they could work stress free FT. I know that’s not my concern, but I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to help your parent when they’ve done so much for you. Where’s the compassion?

I don’t think I’ve got it in me to say “ nah dad, sorry. I know you’ve got cancer, but you’ll have to get yourself to the hospital”.

I am really upset with them, that in my parents journey of need, their social life takes precedence.

It’s not saying “nah dad” re hospital, but what other tasks are keeping you there for days?

Tell them how you feel. Text. WhatsApp. But don't have any expectations that they will step up and help.

It would be worth posting on the Elderly Parents board for some practical suggestions of help with your DF. Patient transport exists in some areas, for a start.

You can only do what you've got the capacity for.

They sound useless but I’m not sure what going NC would achieve other than more animosity.

You sound really resentful and that’s on you, you don’t need to compare yourself to your siblings or be a martyr to your parents.

It’s reasonable in these circumstances to think I don’t like my siblings much so I won’t make much effort but I’m assuming you have nieces and nephews etc, would you cut them out as well?

You sound overwhelmed. I think I would try being honest about that first, say you are running out of leave etc.. and would appreciate any help. If they say no and you stop talking to them after that, at least it will be clear why you have pulled back.

Cut them out and focus on you and your dad. I am a bit black and white, and I get where others come from to say they don't deserve it. If they valued your relationship they will put equal effort. My parents also help my sister, and their excuse is that she wanted them because she took them to another country with her. That is after I left. We have 10 year age gap - like sorry I was 10 and couldn't give them better life huh?

My parents slept through these 10 years of my life and I raised myself. As soon as I turned 18 and left they followed my sister and blamed me that I didn't want them (never mind I sort all issues at home, myself and my friends look after my grandparents etc.) I have always said when my parennts are unwell they will be put on the next plane home for me to look after.

The truth is your sibloings forgot where they came from. This is very easy to do when you have help, hands out and did not have to suffer and struggle for anything. You had to struggle. You are struggling and this by actually seeing you and helping you it reminds when of what their life could have been like. People don't like that. I experienced this with my sister, cousins, friends. You can have compassion see this and be mad at them and your circumstances. But keeping this dynamic is a constant reminder to you that you don't deserve more.

You do not have to cut them out forever. You can start by responding less, not initiating contact and see how you feel. You are already stressed and burnout. Trying to make them see life through your lens is putting the emotional burden on you. It doesn't harm them or change them in any way - it harms you.

Maybe it is not what you need to hear and some people will call me nuts, but if it is not someone I will see a gain etc., or be close with and they start asking about family I just say I am orphaned/estranged and that's it. I accepted I am alone and look at it like nothing but DNA. Do I hurt, sure. Am I mad of course. Do I worry/feel sad yes I do. But, I also deserve better. I love them, but I love me more. I have survived in that dynamic for 20 years, whether I get a how are you message once a month makes zero difference in my day to day life. So perhaps try?

My mum also died before I had children, but after giving lots of childcare to my sisters who had their children young, it genuinely doesn't bother me.. I know if she was alive now she would be helping me too. Your siblings didn't USE your parents, I assume they offered (some won't do childcare at all) and most likely enjoyed the bond they had with the grandchildren.

It is unfortunate that our mums aren't around to have that with our children, but in fairness that is not your siblings fault, if you had children early no doubt they would have been looking after yours too.

To be blunt OP the reason your siblings are taking a back seat is because you are doing everything for your dad.. why would they put themselves out to help when it is not needed.

Yes, it is selfish of them, but you are enabling that by doing everything, it doesn't take two people to take someone to hospital, so why would they offer if you are already doing it?

You need to have a proper conversation with them about how you aren't coping.

So my AIBU. Said sibling won't lift a finger but does expect daily updates on what is going on. I feel that if you are not prepared to help (there is no backstory, or bad feelings, or anything. It is just pure selfishness at not putting themselves out) then you don't deserve to know. Plus, I am not your PA. That is more work for me.

This ^ is the the bit that would annoy me. I don't think you have to necessarily go NC but it's perfectly reasonable to say to your brother that if he wants to know what's going on he can ask his dad or get more involved himself. And be strict on that boundary.

Hi, there’s a lot to unpack here, but basically I wouldn’t go NC. You first need to discuss the situation face to face, if possible and explain what you can and cannot do. You shouldn’t be using all your holiday to look after your Dad and visit other elderly relatives. Only you can decide how much care you are prepared to give, but you cannot expect them to mirror the level you decide upon. You might find it selfish and lacking in compassion, and you might think less of them, but you cannot control what they think or want to do. What you can control is your response to that. You obviously cannot keep taking so much holiday for it all and being a martyr and you said you have to stay away from your family to help your dad, personally, I wouldn’t be doing so much of that, your children need you too.

the really hard part is that, unless they step up, you are going to have to decide that your father needs more help from external people, OR you decide to do it, but stop feeling angry and resentful about it.

the update thing is simple, just say you don’t have time with it all, and all you are doing, but they can find things out directly.

It’s a horrible situation you are in, but you are going to have to set boundaries with them and with yourself. If this were for just a short period of time, you might be able to handle it, but it seems like this is a longer thing.

Remember, you are allowed to say no to things, it does not make you a bad person and a bad daughter. You will be no good as a wife, mother, employee, sibling or daughter unless you set boundaries.

I would do the WhatsApp idea and use it to do updates such as.
“i can’t get x date off work to do x for parent. One of you will need to do it.”

I’ve got no more annual leave, one of you will need to do x.

Put the ball in their court a lot more, make it impossible for them to say no. Especially if they are semi retired and you work full time.

Why is it extreme,?
They don't sound like great siblings. What do they bring to the party.
When did they last have a laugh together.

They don't want to see her, they let her do everything for the parents.
They weren't interested in their neices and nephews.
They should offer, she shouldn't have to ask them to help more.

Why don't they set up a Whatsapp group?

When the parents have died there won't be any relationship there anyway. No need to keep in touch they will think.

Seen it happen as soon as the parents died, the siblings went their own ways. The common ground was gone.

Hi OP, I have some recent experience on the other side of this. My SIL has gone NC with my husband and the children because she thought he/we didn’t do enough. However, she was controlling and unpleasant - wanted us to do things but only exactly what she wanted us to do, we had to do it her way, and we had to do it exactly when she wanted. No conversation about what was and wasn’t possible for us. No consideration of the fact that we both work FT, have small children, have health problems, other elderly relatives we are also responsible for on my side etc etc. she would just email my DH with orders, as if he was an employee. She then became abusive and I’ve had to distance myself for my own wellbeing, and I doubt I will ever be comfortable having a relationship with her again.

These situations are emotive and complicated. Being willing to sit and talk things through and listening to each other is essential. It’s often not possible for all tasks to be equally split at all times because different people have different things going on in their lives. Your siblings may have things going on that you don’t even know about at this stage. They may have good reasons for the boundaries they seem to have put in place.

It's extreme because you don't have to go "no contact" to drop the rope on your side of the relationship.

If they want updates and ask for them, just simply say, "if you want to know you'll have to get involved in dad's care as I haven't got time to update everybody."

With regards to them having childcare, they used my mum and dad to do pickups, drop offs and all day holidays etc. so they could work stress free FT. I know that’s not my concern, but I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to help your parent when they’ve done so much for you. Where’s the compassion?

But that is not relevant now. It is of it’s time.
You can’t control others. If they have no compassion, that is on them, not you.

You need to manage what you are prepared to give and your boundaries and not those of others.

How would your dad feel? You said he’s got cancer, wouldn’t that be really stressful for him?

I understand your resentment towards your sibling(s) but I don't think going NC is the best answer to your problem at present.
I think you need to focus on what your Dad NEEDS rather than wants ( or what you think he wants /deserves). What you are ABLE to provide and what you WANT to provide.
In your case with a full time job, children and living away what you are able to provide is limited.
Your Dad needs sound like more than you can provide for, given that his hospital appointments will be in the week when you are working.It is not sustainable for you to keep taking annual leave from a FT job to take him to hospital appointments.
Think about what you feel you are able and want to do to support your Dad. For example, I can stay over every other weekend for 1 night and can help with shopping/ housework/ admin. I can only take annual leave in an emergency. And tell your Dad and siblings this. ( With your siblings this is where a WhatsApp group will be useful)
Ultimately you can't force your siblings to provide more help, however unfair that seems.But setting out clearly to everyone what you are able to do prevents them from pretending that they thought you were doing everything when you're not able too and will hopefully prompt some discussion.
There is good advice on the Elderly Parents board.