Too Strict DD1

[Shambles123]

I keep reading here about strict rules making sneaky kids and DD1 has being saying the same.

HOWEVER. The first we knew she was drinking (15.5yrs, she's no coming up to 16) involved an ambulance to hospital (friends were being over the top but she needed a large amount of stitches). Two months later I'm screeching over to the nearest big city (25 min journey) at 9pm to collect her and her mates who are totally out of it (drunk, I think only drink and vaping) and wandering the streets. Both vomit copiously.

Since then I have let her go to NYE at a friends where the mum got them pizza and let them have some booze (this was good, I have offered to repeat, apparently it was lame), go out in the day and then tried once into night. We had to argue to get the train we wanted her to get home. She had been drinking but wasn't drunk but was cross we had made her leave (they were hanging around on street corners).

She goes to school in the city and her friends that live there seem to have unlimited freedom and access to vapes and drinks. Some others nearer us seem to have unlimited freedom and cash to come and go as they please.
Am I being very strict to say no vaping, no drinking on the street, we need to have clear plan for train back that needs to be stuck to? She says we are draconian and that means that she can't do anything with her friends as that is what they do.

BU - yes too strict
NBU - no, the rules are reasonable

Not strict enough.
Of course she’s going to say her friends parents let them get up to all sorts. Have you spoken to any? They may be pulling their hair out over their kids too. Reach out to them maybe you can have a united front when dealing with these kids.

From your title I was going to say YABU but you are not. There have been issues and she needs to regain your trust. Hard if the friend’s parents aren’t on the same page.

Do you track her? If mine are going out, I need a rough plan of where, who and what time they will be home. Drinking on the street is unacceptable and not safe.

I don’t agree with “strict rules make sneaky kids”.

I think if you have strict rules AND a “because I say so” attitude- never willing to discuss changing the rules with your child, never willing to listen to their point of view- then THAT leads to sneaky kids.

If you are willing to listen to them, and sometimes compromise/relax the rules where reasonable, but sometimes remain strict where you still think it’s needed, then that encourages discussion rather than sneaking around.

Am I being very strict to say no vaping, no drinking on the street, we need to have clear plan for train back that needs to be stuck to? This sounds entirely reasonable and necessary to keep her safe. As pp says, don’t believe the “all my friends are allowed”. Teens exaggerate/lie.

Thank you!
She keeps location on to be fair to her and now (three goes in) I can almost tell from the movement when the drinking has started. One mum I can talk to (the NYE one) but her daughter is obviously better at pulling the wool over her eyes and the mum thinks the time I collected them and they vomited is the one time she has been drunk. She has a lot of cash as her dad gives her a LOT every week.

The other mum I know just says that we all did it and its normal teen experiences... I totally understand but expected more house parties, boys, late eve cinemas etc than vodka on the beach in the city/on the street corners. My close friends with kids this age have boys and its more beer in houses with mates and odd beer with parents (dd1 says totally lame).

No, you are right to expect her to manage her developing independence safely, or unfortunately she cannot have these privileges. I’m not yet at this stage and it must be hard when they are able to argue so passionately. But I can say as a child who was very sneaky (not because of rules, more not wanting to disappoint and my mum being so out of touch with my inner world), I was doing what DD was doing from age 14, first had sex at 14, was in vulnerable situations that could have been a lot worse. Id hate to think of my kids ever ending up in that situation. So freedom comes with evidence that they are ready to handle it safely, for me. I don’t feel tracking is the answer. They are either ready or they are not.

Not strict enough and quite a lot of mixed messages.

My lot would never have dreamt of doing anything like this at that age they're boys and not that much older. You need to put your foot down.

She has repeatedly shown that she cannot be trusted when she is given more freedom or to make sensible choices. So yes you will be strict.

until she proves herself to you that she cannot be have sensibly and in moderation. She gets no leeway. She’s not able to manage freedom well at all and is still subject to peer pressure.

no way do you want to be constantly dealing with her drunk and wandering the streets at 15.

Yes ok on mixed messages, fair point. Trying not to lock her up. Otherwise it's home, school, her one hobby and nothing else. I feel she does need to learn to socialise (everything is awkward, eye contact not good etc). She just only seems to want to hang around with certain types of girls.

DD2 and DS1 seem more mature already (2 and 4 years younger). I think their successes make her feel bad but they work/try a lot harder in life. School work is minimum effort and she is achieving less than potential.

And the correct response to “well my friends are allowed” is “if they were allowed to jump off a bridge or get pregnant should I let you do that too?”

Well im much stricter than you. I didnt allow booze under 18 for my now 22 year old. I wont for my younger girls either (currently both in junior school). At 15 years old she is still a child and 100% your responsibility. I knew I didnt want to be responsible for drunk children so I didn't allow it. Kids dont always follow parents rules but my conscience is much clearer for having them.

Such a cliché.

I think currently her answer would be yes tbh. She is v peer focused.

I can picture the extreme eye roll this would get 😆

I have had discussions with DD about “short term vs long term parenting” - there are some parents who are more focused on keeping their DC happy in the short term even if that means allowing things that are risky or not good for them long term. And then there are others (like me) who are more focused on what will be best for them in the medium to long term.

Now obviously that does include some social life but it doesn’t include getting drunk and vomiting on the streets. Aside from health and safety risks (which she may dismiss), would she want photos of her in that state being messaged round?!

No chance in hell that I would let my 16 y old son drink or vape! And no other mother I know would either. None of his friends drink but one occasionally vapes. What makes you think this is OK @Shambles123 ? She's still growing and the last thing she needs is drugs in her system. Sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet reading here. Parents who would tolerate this where I live would be ostracised.

We live in different areas then @TheBlueKoala ! All the schools round here struggle massively with vaping in the toilets - starting younger and younger. Year 8s found vaping in the toilets last week at the dds school. Another school has year 11 boys trading them and hiding them in ceiling tiles.

Not saying it's not happening here as well. It's just that it's not the norm. The kids that do drink and vape are known for other antisocial behaviour (SS involved in families) as well and the majority of the parents don't let their dc hang out with them.

Yes and so is saying my friends are doing it. Answer nonsense with nonsense

shes not 10 she’s 15 going on 16. She knows better

Parents who would tolerate this where I live would be ostracised.

Do you live in an Amish community or something?

My parents didn't "let" me drink or smoke but I did it anyway.

They didn't have the opportunity to "not tolerate it" because I hid it from them.

It was different when we grew up though. I walked my way to school and back at 7, had alcohol at 14 (my parents never found out) and had an 18 year old bf.
Times are different now. We tend to supervise our children better for good and for bad.

Yes, I was a teenager in the 80s. Very different times.

My DD is 14, almost 15 and I am not a super strict parent but I’d just be saying no to going out in the evenings drinking!
She goes to friends houses and out during the day, only out in the evenings if it’s something like the cinema with friends and one of the parents will pick them up (we’re rural so buses not great).
I wouldn’t be happy for friends parents to be supplying booze, 14 is way too young - I have let her try a little bit at home but she isn’t bothered yet.
16 is still plenty young enough to be starting to experiment with booze.

Is this actually for real? Should your 15yo child be allowed go out smoking and drinking (albeit stated that one might think it UR)? Do some people really believe such a restiction (i.e. being a minimally responsible parent) is strict?

'clichés' are cliches for a reason. Nor is this actually a cliché.

"if all your friends were jumping off a cliff would you do that too!?" is definitely a clichéd response. It's a very hackneyed thing to say.

nevertheless it's true, it demonstrates through the simplest of thought experiments that 'other people doing it' is a nonsense justification, for anything. (n.b. per OED 'a phrase or opinion that is overused [oft used not over]and betrays a lack of original thought [why would original thought be required? ('a circle is round', need one say more?)'.