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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil to come away with us

45 replies

dazidoo · 19/01/2026 06:31

So aibu to not want mil to come away on holiday with us?

I get along with her she is lovely but I don’t want another holiday with her.
DH said he wants to make memories with her and that we have been away with my mum 4 times and his the once.

We went away with mil a couple of years ago for a week and I said I would never do it again. Me, her, dh and our 2 kids. It just felt like 3 is a crowd with us 3 adults. Most of the time I felt I was tagging along and had no say in what dh and mil wanted to do on a day.

Yes we’ve been away with my mum 4 times but never just her and us. It’s always been with my sister and her DH as well so never felt the odd one out.

So do I just agree to it and get the week over with or say no I don’t want to?

My mum can no longer come away with any of us anymore due to poor health and end of life care. So me having an holiday with mil just wouldn’t feel right knowing my own mum is dying.

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 19/01/2026 06:39

Sorry about your mum, it’s so painful.
I think ask him if you can revisit it in a few years or could he go on a city break with his mum for a long weekend if they are close and you wouldn’t mind that. He is going to have to learn and fast how to be extremely sensitive to your grief x

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/01/2026 06:47

Just tell him he is absolutely right.
mums are important.

he is welcome to go with his with your blessing.

Keep ypur 5 days annual leave and use it to spend time with your mum across the year on days out or with her.

99bottlesofkombucha · 19/01/2026 06:51

I don’t think this is at all fair. You have gone away lots with your mum, it isn’t reasonable to say you won’t go with his mum. And your mum being too ill to go might be sad but it isn’t really relevant - she wasn’t invited.

the thing to do here is recognise you’re not being fair, and say to your dh my real issue is that I feel a total third wheel with your mum and you, these are the types of things that happened last time… <list them> and I won’t have my holiday ruined like that so can you think of the ways you can make this not a holiday with you hanging out with your mum and me on my own, or she can’t come. Let’s discuss on the weekend and see what you’ve come up with.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 19/01/2026 06:53

That’s awful OP. Really selfish. Basically you and your mum get everything you want and the needs of your DH, MIL and children don’t count?

Wolfpa · 19/01/2026 06:54

You never felt like the odd one out with your family but did he?

it is a tough situation with your mum and it is natural to want to put your life on hold.

can you pause the plans and say not at the moment but it is a possibility in the future.

Whattodo2024 · 19/01/2026 06:55

YABU

Shouldisell · 19/01/2026 06:57

I don’t think DH is being unreasonable.

It is disproportionate that you have spent four family holidays with your mother and only one with his.
it doesn’t sound like MIL is particularly hideous, you just didn’t enjoy yourself as much as you would have if she wasn’t there - but that’s not fair to DH who probably really enjoyed that trip and tolerated the trips with your mother.
It’s possible DH is looking at your mother in end of life care and is realizing that time with mothers is precious and he wants to make the most of it and to have the children bond with their grandmother.

As I see it, you have two choices:

  1. go on the trip, have a conversation with DH to make it more enjoyable for you, and make the best of it.
  2. send DH and the kids with MIL to make memories and you go spend the time with your mother or save the annual leave for when it’s needed.
Needspaceforlego · 19/01/2026 06:58

Op I get where you are coming from but I think you need to consider DH and his feelings too. It can't be nice always saying he his mum, oh we are going away with her entire family.
I assume he doesn't have siblings to share a family holiday.

Notquitethetruth · 19/01/2026 07:00

So your husband had to go on holiday with your Mum, your sister and her husband but you cannot go with his Mum?
So unfair and selfish.

curious79 · 19/01/2026 07:01

It sounds to me as though you need to get better at being able to say on such a trip what you do and don’t want to do, and just not tag along on adventures that they are having but that you resent

to prevent him from having his mother on a trip when he has very specifically said he wants to create memories is just a bit selfish and nasty given you’ve done exactly the same thing with your mother. The fact of your mother now being unwell is irrelevant IMHO and doesn’t mean he can’t bring his mother.

Pinkissmart · 19/01/2026 07:04

Sorry about your mum.

So, you have time and space for your family, but not your husbands?
Your reason from last time is thin.

CloakedInGucci · 19/01/2026 07:08

Im not sure that the fact that he has gone away with even more of your family on 4 occasions is a reasonable or fair argument.

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/01/2026 07:12

Sorry but yabu.

You have been ok with going away with your family but dh can't bring his? Quite hypocritical

My mum has come away with us lots since she became a widow. I'm so glad my dh has been on board with this and we have all genuinely had a lovely time...the kids have also loved having her there. I'd definitely extend this to mil ( or fil) if she ever wanted to have a holiday just with us

Its hard your own mum is unwell, but thats not relevant to the situation. My own dad has now passed, we miss him every day, but that doesn't mean fil shouldn't spend time with us .

Zanatdy · 19/01/2026 07:16

Sorry about your mum but yes YABU. You’ve had 4 holidays with your mum, all memories for you to keep forever. He doesn’t have that. Don’t you think it’s reasonable he wants those memories too. Stick to a few days somewhere and talk to your DH about how you felt last time. A blanket no is unfair.

AhBiscuits · 19/01/2026 07:19

Your husband has endured 4 holidays with a load of inlaws and now you are objecting to his mum? Yabu.

AhBiscuits · 19/01/2026 07:20

I'm sure you wish your mum was healthy enough to still holiday with you. His is and won't always be, she should come while she still can.

PermanentTemporary · 19/01/2026 07:21

Could there be a slightly different setup? Like you’re in the same place but different apartments or something like that?

Raise it with your Dh. Say that you’re wondering how he felt during the holidays with your mum. Did he get the chance to say no, or say whether there were things he didn’t want to happen?

Eenameenadeeka · 19/01/2026 07:22

Sorry but your reasoning is really weak and unfair. You are being unreasonable to have shared holiday with your family 4 times and then say you won't with his when she's not doing anything wrong.

harriethoyle · 19/01/2026 07:29

YABVU and risk a very significant rift with your husband. If my DH refused to go away with my DP, after I’d been away with his FOUR times I’d tell him to boil his head.

Sirzy · 19/01/2026 07:32

I think your being very unfair here. You have had the chance to make those lovely memories with your Mum and Children and he should get the same.

as you sadly know nobody knows what is around the corner in life so make the most of opportunities when you can.

jamandcustard · 19/01/2026 07:38

You’re being hugely unreasonable. It’s okay for your DH to go on multiple holidays with all your extended family but you can’t go away with his mum more than once?

Goldengirl123 · 19/01/2026 07:40

Sorry about you mum but you are being selfish

JustMarriedBecca · 19/01/2026 07:43

Let her come and let her have this time with DH. If DH and MIL want to do something together, let them crack on for the day. You can take the kids elsewhere. Then you get to pick the next day.

I think you are being selfish.

firstofallimadelight · 19/01/2026 07:46

So sorry about your mum, it’s unfair to say he must have felt comfortable because it was a different set up when you go away. Tbh id find it less overwhelming to go away with just mil than the whole clan. He’s done holidays with your family it’s only fair you do the same (unless your mil is horrible to you) but explain how you felt and create a plan together to ensure it doesn’t happen this time. And be clear if you are left out /not considered you won’t want to do it again.

if you dont want to leave your mum that would also be understandable could your dh go with mil and kids in that instance?

Schoolchoicesucks · 19/01/2026 07:52

I'm sorry about your mum.

You say that you don't feel like a spare part when you have been on holiday with your mum, your sister and her husband. Do you know for sure that your DH hasn't felt like a spare part on these holidays?

Going on holiday with his mum is separate to going away with your family. The purpose of it is primarily for her and for your kids to spend time together. If he was suggesting you only ever went on holiday with her and never just the 4 of you, never with your family, then you may have a point. But once in a while before she risks becoming too elderly to enjoy it then yes, you have only done it once.
Talk to him about planning the activities while you are away so that you can all enjoy it - if him and his mother are dragging you and the kids around to places none of you want to see then get in there with some alternative suggestions.