To not want mil to come away with us

[dazidoo]

So aibu to not want mil to come away on holiday with us?

I get along with her she is lovely but I don’t want another holiday with her.
DH said he wants to make memories with her and that we have been away with my mum 4 times and his the once.

We went away with mil a couple of years ago for a week and I said I would never do it again. Me, her, dh and our 2 kids. It just felt like 3 is a crowd with us 3 adults. Most of the time I felt I was tagging along and had no say in what dh and mil wanted to do on a day.

Yes we’ve been away with my mum 4 times but never just her and us. It’s always been with my sister and her DH as well so never felt the odd one out.

So do I just agree to it and get the week over with or say no I don’t want to?

My mum can no longer come away with any of us anymore due to poor health and end of life care. So me having an holiday with mil just wouldn’t feel right knowing my own mum is dying.

Yabu

You have some good reasons and some bad reasons.

The fact that your lovely mum can't go on holiday isn't a good reason not to take your MIL away. However you shouldn't be a third wheel on your own family holiday, or to feel like you are in competition with your MIL for your DH's time.

We've done a lot of holidays with MIL and the key is communicating with your DH. You need to sit down and decide on things you want to do on holiday and agree that he won't default to only doing things she wants to do/ announce a plan for the day the two of them made while you were in the shower.

There is no need to stick together the whole time. E.g. on one holiday to Dublin the kids wanted to go to the Dublinia museum and MIL didn't. So DH took her for a stroll along the river and for a drink while the kids and I went to the museum and had a wonderful time.

You can also sometimes use an extra adult to your advantage. One year they all wanted to go to the beach but I didn't fancy it as I was hot and had a heat rash on my back. As MIL was there to go with him and the kids I had no guilt in staying behind and doing an art class in the shade.

Why not suggest that everybody, including the kids, chooses an activity for a day. That way you’re not being steamrollered by DH and MIL. If the kids are old enough they can plan where and what to eat on their chosen day. We’ve done this for a few years now and it works well as everyone feels they’ve had a say in the holiday. I don’t think you should have to do separate activities with the kids when you’re on holiday. If DH wants to spend time with his mum he can arrange it another time.

YABU. Your DH was expected to go on holiday multiple timeswith your family but when he asks if his mum can join, you say no. How nasty. In fact you’re being so unreasonable I don’t think you’re genuine.

Perhaps he recognises your mother is very sadly reaching the end and he wants to ensure he makes the most of the time he has with his own mum? I don’t think you should say no and he’s right that it’s only fair when you went away with your mum far more.

He can go on holiday with his mum, you have no right to stop him. However, he doesn’t get to tell you who you have to holiday with. You can just say no.

Yabu. I mean I wouldn't of started this is the first place but you did and you was fine with going away with mums until yours couldn't now all of a sudden no one can. Also let me guess kids are a bit older now so you don't need the free childcare on holiday so its ok to toss them aside

Take it in turn to choose the activity for the day. Make sure on your day you choose what you actually want to do. And agree some general ground rules together with DH before you go.

I spent many many holidays at my FIL’s house before he died last summer, and had to establish some basic principles with my DH - like, no you are not going to spend the entire day fixing his IT while we wait around for you to be ready for the beach! So I have some sympathy too.

This

I am very sorry to hear about your mum OP. I lost mine a long time ago and understand how upsetting it is and how difficult it is to navigate the relationship with your MIL afterwards. Her presence is an awful reminder of what cannot be. And deep down you know you’re being unreasonable, it’s just so unbelievably painful. You probably feel you are upsetting your mum by simply spending time with your mil, that she’s being replaced. None of that is true, it’s your grief speaking.
You can and should go away with your MIL because it’s the right thing to do by your husband and your children. Having said that, you are right to voice your concerns to your husband about feeling like a third wheel. It’s hard if he has more in common with his mum in terms of what they want to do. But they have to make sure to compromise so everyone feels included.
Personally I’d probably bow out and let him do a mother-son thing for a couple days and just say you’re struggling right now due to your mother being so unwell. That is the truth and hopefully in future when you feel better you can find a way of making a trip away work for everyone.
But if you do decide to go, please don’t wreck yourself by feeling guilty on top of everything else you’re going through. Your mum does not feel replaced, your mum would want you all to be happy.

Have you explained to him your reasons for not wanting her to holiday with you? Does he acknowledge that he makes decisions with his mum and is he prepared to make changes?

I'd give it another go, but on the proviso that, as the other parent, you want to be involved in any decision making for activities/days out. I'd also be careful not to holiday with MIL every time, as there will quickly become an expectation that she goes with you.

YABU. It all sounds a bit one sided OP.
If it really is about them ‘going off together’ and making you feel left out, then I really don’t know why you can’t explain all that to your dh? I think you at least owe him some kind of explanation. Even so, it’s a really weak one.

Presumably then it’s okay for him to refuse to go away with her family too?

Absolutely. I assumed he was perfectly happy to go away with them as he did so several times.

I think facing the loss of your mum can throw up all sorts of complicated feelings about your MiL as you watch her in good health, continuing to be present, be grandma, do the things you want your own mum to do with you. Personally while I do think its fair to include her on holidays now and again if you've always included your mum, I think right now isn't a good time.

I think that’s on oversimplification. Depending on finances, it might be the case if he goes away with her family (or in this case she goes away with his mother) or misses out on the main holiday with the children.

I agree, but he made his choice. Now OP can make her choice.

Thanks all for your comments. Yes I think I am being unreasonable.

I’ve never forced him to come away with my family it’s always been one of his choices and ideas.

Weve asked mil number out times if she’d like to come away with us and she’s always said no except for the time she did come a couple of years ago. I much prefer our holidays just the 4 of us. Not even with my own family.
I feel like I can’t really be myself when she’s there. If I disagree with anything dh says or wants to do I feel like I have the both of them on me and I’m forced to agree. If that makes sense.
The kids are still young so like to be at the pool or beach most days. Mil likes to go walking and looking around shops. The kids don’t and I feel bad saying no but then I get pressured into it.

i really don’t mind going away with her for just the week and for dh and her to make memories. I will speak with him and tell him my concerns.

My mum being ill is irrelevant to it, I just kind of feel at the moment I don’t want to be planning holidays with mil whilst my mum is dying.

Why would you have to accompany MIL to the shops? Surely she could go on her own or DH can go with her?

You don’t seem to be very assertive, which would really help you in this kind of situation.

We always go with Mil and our 2 kids (teens now). But my mum is dead and Mil is lovely.

Would you feel guilty for taking Mil @dazidoo when your mother is dying? If that's the case I don't understand how it makes a difference if you go on a holiday with your family- your mum still won't be there so atleast you can make your dh and your Mil happy. Unless she's awful? In that case I understand.