Mum died a month ago, back to work tomorrow …

[BeBopTallulah]

Just that really. Funeral was last week no real reason not to go back except everything is different now. I’m lying in bed thinking I have no idea how I’m going to get back to normal.

Advice welcome.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do you have a return to work meeting. It may take some time to get 'back up to spead' take it one hour/ one task at a time.

No advice as everyone deals with bereavement differently. For example, when my mum died, I only took the day of the funeral off. Even the day she died, I just worked as normal and didn’t tell my team. This seems quite odd to me now!

I hope you’ll find it a welcome distraction to be back to work and normality.

Oh, im sorry. I was you 6 years ago and was only allowed 3 days compassionate. It's crap it really is but life does go on and you likey need routine. Im not saying its easy but things do get less painful with time. My heart still aches but i'm ok, you will be to. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss.
I went back to work 2 weeks after my brother died, looking back I wasn’t ready and I should have taken longer.
I’m sorry if that doesn’t help your request for advice but I just want to urge you to please put yourself first and take more time if you need it.
I found my compassionate leave was used up on watching him die, arranging a funeral, family meetings, meeting the celebrant and having the funeral itself.
I wish I’d had more time to actually process the whole thing.
I hope your employers are supportive of you and having a gentle return

My dad died suddenly at the age of 46, I was 26 (he had me very young). It was a horrific shock, literally here one day gone the next. I got given 2 weeks off, i remember just plugging away at cost to my health and mental well being. But eventually things got more manageable but in hindsight I needed time away from everyone and I shudder at the thought of what my brain and body went through surviving in that period of time.

It is difficult. You’ll go on autopilot to get through the days. I don’t think it gets any less strange for a long time. Take care of yourself.
Best of luck.

It feels impossible and as other painters have said, everyone is different, and there are different policies/expectations it’s hard to know what will feel right.

I didn’t take time off because I had taken time before caring for mum 24/7 but didn’t feel like I had a choice and it was probably the wrong thing to do, but at some point we have to function and survive. Things become a new normal that we have to navigate.

so so sorry for your loss I really hope work supports you on your return.

Posters! Not painters sorry!

I lost both my parents 2 years ago (a month apart). I ended up back at work around 4 weeks after mums funeral. I don’t think there is a right time. But at some point you’ll find you can actually do your job again and that’s a step. And I also found after a while I had a bit more of a sense of what would upset me so I could avoid getting into situations where I got upset when I would have preferred not to. So I knew how much I could talk about it. For me that meant I found it ok to talk about the situation and me finding it hard, but the tears would come if I talked about how it might impact my kids, or that fact my parents missed out on them growing up. So while I talked about that with close friends, I didn’t talk about it in the office.

people will be awkward and put their foot in it by saying too much, not enough, or the wrong thing. Mostly they care and perhaps don’t understand.

Take extra time off if you need it and can do so. You can get a GP sick line if you need it.

Sorry for the loss of your mum.
Take it slowly one day at a time. Don't be afraid to talk to colleagues and ask for support anytime you need it. I don't have any further advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say how sorry I am. 💐

Actually I did exactly that when my dad died. It felt fine at the time and it feels fine now. I didn't feel the need for time off work. Not due why, i was very close to my dad. My brother had 2 weeks compasionate
Leave.

i lost my mum in 2022. I’ve struggled ever since. I couldnt get counselling although I need it. If you can , please get counselling. Thinking of you.

I agree with this - if you are offered this it’s worth trying. I was lucky enough to speak to a grief counsellor several times in the year after the deaths and it made a huge difference. The first session just telling someone what happened helped. The rest having someone to listen to how I actually felt rather than well intentioned telling me how I should feel (many people think they are helping by trying to cheer you up when you are sad, or telling you it’s ok to be sad when you are feeling good - so helpful having someone to just listen and be alongside you however you are feeling).

It really helped me to get back to work and occupy my mind and time. The difficult bit was the first few days with colleagues wanting to express sympathy which would break down my fragile self-control. A good friend took on the task of heading a lot of them off which was very helpful.

Sorry for your mum, it's tough going, it really is.

Advice? Be kind to yourself. That's it. Grieve how you want to, do what you want, don't compare your grief to anyone else's. Just do whatever you need to do that helps you through.

Don't let anyone tell you what is normal.
There is no normal in this.
Be kind to yourself and take things slow.

I also lost my mum, it was unexpected and traumatic. The honest answer is you don’t go back to normal but you slowly learn to cope with the new normal until a time when you feel able to ‘live again’ with the new normal.

Be kind to yourself, take it slow. Look for small things that feel comforting like a hot shower or a cup of tea. Everyone copes in their own way but you might need therapy or counselling. Free grief counselling is available but there can be long wait times so you can always get on the list now even if you aren’t quite ready yet then hopefully it will be there for you when you are.

The people who will understand most are direct family. Try and lean on each other if you can.

In some ways, there is so much to do straight after a loved one dies that you are buoyed along until after the funeral. So I can understand that this is a particularly difficult time for you. Going ‘back to normal.’

It might help to plan a few things to look forward to this time next year. Things that your mum would have been pleased to know you got to experience and enjoy. Big hugs to you x

Would it help you to wear a piece of her jewellery, or if that feels like it could be too emotional, perhaps a piece of jewellery or clothing she bought you. I never fully understood the value of that before losing my mum but now I feel more grounded wearing something that connects me to her. Especially a ring (provided it fits you!) as you can hold it.

It’s so difficult to really know what to do so just be kind to yourself and do what you feel you can. People will feel uncomfortable and not know what to say and others less so. I remember someone I hardly spoke to at work giving me a hug and saying they understood which really touched me at the time. You may also react differently to things so be prepared for that too.

Nothing is right or wrong , just do what you can. We will be there for you in thoughts and take care. I also remember thinking - don’t they realise what’s happened? My parent has died! It’s still so raw for you. You will get through the day, will probably be exhausted and need lots of rest.
One day at a time .

I was off for about 6 months in total - 6 weeks of that was in and out of hospital/ITU etc

Going back was hard, my brain just didn’t function properly. I remember doing a task that would normally take 5-10 minutes took me an hour, I just couldn’t remember how to do it. Yet now I’m back to doing it 10x a day at least

Expect to be slow and exhausted. If you’re not, great. But if you expect it then you might be pleasantly surprised. Above all, be gentle with yourself, you’ve been through hell and now is the time for self compassion

So sorry for your loss. Just take it steady and don’t put yourself under pressure if you can avoid it.
Don't listen to people who say things like ‘getting back to normal’ - it’s not helpful, even if well intentioned. It is hard to take those steps to work out how this changed version of yourself is going to do what the previous version did. Think about how you’d talk to a friend about it - and be kind to yourself. You might feel like you are on auto pilot for a while.
Hope it goes ok 💐

Know that some people will say stupid things and just try and side-step it all.
Work can be a good distraction otherwise and allow you to focus on something else which does help you.

When my dad died, years ago now and he was fairly young, I remember driving and needing to pull over as I was suddenly sobbing hard.

Grief comes in waves. Over time the emotion isn't as close to the surface. And then you'll have a memory that actually makes you smile without tears.

Sending sympathy. 💐

eta: I just remembered I saw a grief counsellor for a while to help me process the loss and it was very helpful.

I’m sorry for your loss.

A month away from work is a long time, add grief in to the mix and it’s a hard place to be. As your employer for the possibility of a phased return so you can ease back in.

I do think you’re doing the right thing going back - sometimes the longer we leave thing, the worse we feel. But having a staggered return won’t make it too overwhelming. Good luck

So sorry. I was off two weeks when DM died .Going back was surrreal but it actually helped switch my grieving brain off for a bit as I had to think about other things . Be prepared for how people react. Some ignore you because they don’t want to upset you or don’t know what to say. Some are great.

Sorry for your loss op 💐
I hope your first day back goes as well as possible