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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum died a month ago, back to work tomorrow …

46 replies

BeBopTallulah · 18/01/2026 23:23

Just that really. Funeral was last week no real reason not to go back except everything is different now. I’m lying in bed thinking I have no idea how I’m going to get back to normal.

Advice welcome.

OP posts:
MindYourUsage · 19/01/2026 06:50

It is not the same. No point forcing it to be the same. You are returning to work a different version of yourself and this is a new chapter of your life.

I would think if it like starting a new job.

walkingaroundsostrenegrene · 19/01/2026 07:15

Good luck for today OP. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

ShawnaMacallister · 19/01/2026 07:17

When my mum died I went back after 2 weeks because I couldn't bear sitting at home doing nothing. But I didn't do anything that involved anyone outside of my team and my manager. I do have the type of work environment where I could stipulate that and they were happy to have me back even in a reduced capacity but that worked for me. I wasn't able to work 'normally' for quite a few weeks after but I kept myself busy which helped. I'm sorry for your loss 🌺

Sw1989 · 19/01/2026 07:30

Sorry to hear you've gone through this. I lost my mum last July and had to have various chunks of time off work while she was in a hospice for palliative care. I went back to work after a week, which was far too soon and led to major burnout and a breakdown. Unfortunately my work were totally unsupportive and made me take unpaid leave for some of it, which really got my back up and I ended up resigning in November.

My biggest piece of advice would be to take all the time you need, don't push yourself and take things a day at a time as in the early days, it will just be a vase of getting through each day. If you have been off for a month, could you take a phased return back to work?

RosesAndHellebores · 19/01/2026 07:31

I am sorry for your loss.

I think getting back into your normal routine may be helpful and provide an alternative focus.

Perhaps much depends on where you are with your life and whether it was a premature loss.

My only point of reference is losing my father more than 20 years ago when the children were tinies. I had to carry on as normal for them and paint on the jolly smile but I wasn't working.

Give work a go and see how you get on. The longer you are off, the more difficult it will be to get back.

PersephoneParlormaid · 19/01/2026 07:33

I hope you have a back to work meeting with someone you like. I did and it was nice to be able to say how I was feeling. I was offered to work shorter days in the first week, so that was nice.
I must admit that it did feel odd at first, like life was ticking along but I was somehow just watching, very odd. But after a week or two it felt normal again.

goldenlockets · 19/01/2026 07:41

Condolences.

Think what your Mum would want for you.
She'd want you to get on with your life and not be unhappy.

Do you have a partner?
Children?

Did your mum die young/ suddenly?

I think that makes a difference.
My Dad died slowly after 3 years of dementia. It was expected and for the best when he died in his mid 90s.
I'd had time to get used to the fact he was going to die and although I still miss him now, it was going to happen.

Do you find it helps to talk about your mum?

EnterQueene · 19/01/2026 07:41

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. You may be surprised and find the return to work and routine a helpful distraction, giving your mind and body a break from the endless grief.

When my dad died suddenly there was a large gap before the funeral as a post morton was needed. I surprised myself by choosing to return part time during that gap. However, I recognise my colleagues are lovely, me employer was supportive and I enjoy my job. Work was a bit of a sanctuary, but with a different, more fraught, role that may be different.

hahagogomomo · 19/01/2026 07:46

Sorry for your loss.

Workplace policies vary and so do individual needs, but it’s quite normal to go back to work at this point. Dh didn’t take any time off, apart from the funeral and to do necessary paperwork, that’s an extreme but he didn’t want to sit around at home and quite frankly his office manager helped with some things too

Everythingwillbeokay · 19/01/2026 07:50

Good luck today. I was you eight years ago, a month off after losing my Mum. I don't have advice as it was a blur and I handled it badly I think, drank far too much at the end of every work day for starters. I think the best advice I can give is if you're like me and likely to do that, try to distract yourself in the evenings with telly or a bath or a book, the wine really doesn't help.

May not be an issue for you, so other advice would be nature, lots of it, and as somebody said upthread, small things that make you feel good. Nice dressing gown, hand cream, anything. I stopped self care and I think it could have been good.

I do have one tip that is something I actually got right, I talked about her every day, still do. I was determined she would still be here, still be Granny to my girls who were 5 and 3 at the time. I've pulled that off, she feels real and part of our everyday life.

Talk to colleagues, don't feel embarrassed. In work, you won't be normal, and you won't ever be the same. That's okay. Don't try to be.

Think about counselling, I had hospice counselling which was good, although some time later.

Make memory boxes, find photos etc. Jewellery of hers or that reminds you of her is a good tip.

Oh and another thing which has worked, ancestry. I had a yearning to get closer to who she was, so started digging. Is now my hobby, I understand her family through the ages, and I've felt so much closer to her through it.

A new hobby or interest or project that is somehow related, even something as simple as a nice notebook for writing down your memories, or her sayings, or to process your feelings about what's just happened, can be good outside work as it can get you through the day thinking I'll be able to think about Mum tonight.

Don't try and be normal, or try and get over it basically. You can keep her with you to help you through I think.

Possibly terrible advice, I was a total mess so you probably don't want to take advice from me.

Take care of yourself.

Dancingsquirrels · 19/01/2026 07:50

I found work a helpful distraction

We're all different. Do what works for you

BeefAndHorseradishSandwich · 19/01/2026 08:07

Can’t you take some more sick leave or do a phased return?

Summerbay23 · 19/01/2026 08:12

Yes, everyone is different. I went back after 2 weeks as being at home by myself was awful and I had too much time to dwell and couldn’t stop crying etc.

The first day was hard as everyone was really kind which made me cry again but to be honest after that work was a good distraction.

I’ve never really got over the loss though so if you can get counselling, please take it.

monkeysox · 19/01/2026 08:16

BeBopTallulah · 18/01/2026 23:23

Just that really. Funeral was last week no real reason not to go back except everything is different now. I’m lying in bed thinking I have no idea how I’m going to get back to normal.

Advice welcome.

Yanbu the new normality is a shock. Such a tough time. Be kind to yourself. Can you ask for phased return?

Loveapineapplepizzame · 19/01/2026 08:16

I’m sorry for your loss. Everyone handles grief differently. If you don’t feel ready to go back yet, I would urge you to get a note from your GP.

I have a colleague who had a month off work when her mum died and I had no problem picking up her work for her whilst she was off. I also checked in on her every day and urged her to only come back if she felt better

I had 2 weeks off when my dad died but only because I had to travel to a different country to arrange his funeral. I think the maximum amount they have to give you (or indeed when I was in this situation) for the death of a parent was just one week. Which personally I didn’t think was long enough

Although, I do also feel that getting back to ‘normal’ might be a good step to take. Maybe do the first day and see how you feel?

ObladiObladah · 19/01/2026 08:17

I hope it all goes okay. It’s bound to be a strange day.

For me the worst part of going back is how normal it all feels to be back at work, you realise the world just goes on and that invaluable presence in your own life barely makes a ripple in everyone else’s. Everything is the same, and yet you feel completely different. Irrationally it felt wrong to me that the whole world wasn’t shaken to the core by my mum’s absence from life.

But then the normality can be a bit of a balm after weeks of grief. Just being out in fresh air doing normal things, I felt a bit guilty at the relief of being able to focus on something other than my loss. It helped that after a few initial painful reintroductions to colleagues, the vast majority immediately forgot why I’d been away and just cracked on with tasks I needed to catch up on. A mountain of work!

goldenlockets · 19/01/2026 08:30

When I die, I don't want my children to feel like this.

Work in all honesty, is the best thing.
It will create a routine and more 'normality.'

No one in my family has taken time off for bereavement other than the immediate days before the funeral for planning and travel.

Life has to go on and the sooner you get back into a routine, the better your mental health will be.

Sitting at home and feeling sad is not the answer.

Sorry if this sounds 'tough' but it really is the best way.

ShawnaMacallister · 19/01/2026 09:18

goldenlockets · 19/01/2026 08:30

When I die, I don't want my children to feel like this.

Work in all honesty, is the best thing.
It will create a routine and more 'normality.'

No one in my family has taken time off for bereavement other than the immediate days before the funeral for planning and travel.

Life has to go on and the sooner you get back into a routine, the better your mental health will be.

Sitting at home and feeling sad is not the answer.

Sorry if this sounds 'tough' but it really is the best way.

For you maybe, but you cannot possible state it's the best for everyone.
Your wish for your children not to feel like this comes from a place of love and hope but you can have no control over how people will grieve you.

BeBopTallulah · 19/01/2026 20:45

Thank you everyone who has responded. I stayed up crying and reading those that replied last night hand have been going through the rest tonight. Really grateful, thank you very much.

So I did it. Worked from home (which is normal for me) wept all morning as most of my team made contact and passed on their kind thoughts which broke me every time. Sat in in a team call with camera off as I was a mess. Thought I’d made a huge mistake coming back.

And then I had my return to work with my boss who I have known a long time. He was great, he got emotional too sharing some of his experiences and we talked through my options. To take more time, phased return or stick it out. I’m sort of sticking it out but with light duties because I’m struggling to give a shit. I mean we’re not saving lives and none of it really matters in the scheme of things. I know my perspective is off and I’ll get back in to it. I literally can’t remember a thing either.

Anyway I had to bugger off to the solicitors this afternoon and tomorrow will be a bit easier because I realise I was dreading those first conversations and being a mess. There will be more but first day is out of the way and I can go at my own pace.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 19/01/2026 20:51

goldenlockets · 19/01/2026 07:41

Condolences.

Think what your Mum would want for you.
She'd want you to get on with your life and not be unhappy.

Do you have a partner?
Children?

Did your mum die young/ suddenly?

I think that makes a difference.
My Dad died slowly after 3 years of dementia. It was expected and for the best when he died in his mid 90s.
I'd had time to get used to the fact he was going to die and although I still miss him now, it was going to happen.

Do you find it helps to talk about your mum?

I've read this response after the one I responsed to earlier and good lord you have a dysfunctional approach to death. Think what your Mum would want for you.
She'd want you to get on with your life and not be unhappy.
that is the most bizarre thing I've ever read someone saying to someone who's mum died a fortnight ago. You seem terrified of the grief process.

Bumblingbee101 · 19/01/2026 20:53

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss @BeBopTallulah . Some normality may be good for you but I would speak to your management team first thing and maybe a phased return would be better? Having something to look forward to at the end of each day/week a purpose like walking a dog or meeting a friend may really benefit you too. Sending big hugs your way.

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