To tell my DS to put some blinkin clothes on….

[TheNaturalBronde]

My DS is 14 , he is on the ASD spectrum, has sensory processing disorder and compulsive issues surrounding food.Suspected ADHD and Dyslexia, fully verbal , emotional id say 2 yrs younger approximately than physical age.in mainstream school.
loves walking around in his underwear and has done it for a long time, it’s been a backburner battle with regards to his SPD but in the last year tbh I’ve been having regular conversations around the fact he is getting older now and it’s not really appropriate he be walking around in his underpants with everything hanging out , I’m not a monster I don’t mind in the morning but not all day,
Hygiene can be a bit of an issue aswell, having to prompt showers and be quite stern regarding body odour, if there’s no cotton to soak up the sweat it makes the odour worse.
He is carrying some extra weight because of issues with food regarding his condition and I’m also to some degree trying to protect him from other’s judgement I suppose but I’m also getting frustrated as it’s making me feel a bit ill sometimes, when there’s refusal to cover up and wash it’s not pleasant to be around.
do I do the sensitive approach or be firm on approach?

I don't think you're saying anything untoward at all, from reading your posts you're a mum trying to do what's best all round for your DS and the rest of the family but there's obstacles you're struggling to get through.

Hygiene-wise, teens do get smelly because of hormones (been there) and even the cleanest ones struggle. 2 showers a day usually works - 1 in the morning & one either when they get home from school or in the evening. Clean clothes every day and after second shower.

Depending how receptive he is, sit with him in his bedroom and explain the regime - police it if necessary but only issue reminders not lectures, unless he won't co-operate.

DD went through this, the deal was that it was better for me to tell her and explain it than her friends saying she honked. She soon noticed the smelly people in the class. She had to teach this to her boyfriend because his mum didn't.

We didn't really have any obstacles to cross so I understand it might not be as straightforward but it can be a lonely place when it's all on your shoulders.

The undies issue, what if you bin them and replace them with something more suitable - again not the easiest solution but you have to show them the way sometimes if they're not getting the message x

What would happen if you just wore your underwear round the house?

Have you looked at any sensory friendly brands of clothes? They can be a bit pricier but stuff that's made of pure cotton so it breathes better or brands that don't use feelable seams.

Agree regarding turning heating down.

My own DS hates wearing clothes and so the other adults in the house turn the heating up. Not sure what they think that will make him do except sweat. It certainly won't encourage wearing more layers.

If it was just in the house and DS understood he wears clothes outside I wouldn’t have issue with it. I would think about the type of underwear he wears and negotiate he wears a vest if we have visitors I’d create a cleaning routine around showering and using deodorant so he doesn’t smell too bad.

What type of underwear does he have? Loose cotton shorts, traditional pants or jersey pants.

The last option giving the best coverage, though a ‘builder’s bun’ is still possible if he wears them too low.

I think you need clear rules eg.
Shower every morning with soap
Top needs to be worn after 10am or if there are guests.

Having the rules change day by day can cause more conflict.

Would explain for years why my 10yo DS wears no t shirt during the day at home. Also he often will just walk around with one sock and one sock off....he is to be assessed for ADHD. Has already been diagnosed with dyspraxia. No other sibling of his is doing this over the years.

I sympathise with you OP❤️

It has nothing to do with weight but what's appropriate when going into puberty. My Asd son takes his shower as soon as he gets home from school and is then in large cotton pyjamas all the time at home. It's a matter of what they are used to- he just needs to get into a habit and then he will stick to it.

His genitals aren’t hanging out by everything hanging out I mean bum and stomach.
He wears the one step boxers that are a very polyester’sports wear’ type material and won’t wear standard ones.

Haha you reassured us there because "hanging out" does make you wonder.

Can he try to just be in cotton pyjamas like my son? I mean it's much comfier than pants because it's loose. It would be a win win for all.

He needs to wash every day

He needs clean underpants every day and if he’s going to be walking around the house in them all day they need to be clean on in the morning

As long as they’re quite generously cut boxers not tight briefs it wouldn’t be a hill I’d die on

I would ask him to have shorts on at least when there are guests over though

Ignore them. Generally speaking people carrying more weight get more BO. I’ve been morbidly obese and underweight during my adult life. I was smellier when obese, you also have more folds and rolls when overweight and the bacteria breeds in them and that’s what makes sweat smell. You didn’t say anything awful about your child at all and of course weight matters when discussing body odour.

I have 3 autistic boys and 2 of the 3 hate clothes. We had a chat with them as young teens and made rules together. For 1 that is he must have a top on at the dinner table or if we have a visitor.

The otherwise stick a dressing gown on when he leaves his room. He prefers things to be bigger so I often buy 1 size bigger. He also has a "uniform" of sorts. It consists of the same joggers in certain colours and then tshirts in 1 of 2 colours and a hoodie. It took years to figure out what he likes. He will also only wear socks when out of the house.

For body odour all my teens use perspi guard shower get for the smelly bits and the soray/roll on anti perspirant. My DH is like a furnace so he sweats more and perspi guard is the only thing that has ever helped him. My older 2 teens grew out of the smell but the youngest is still going through that stage. My youngest struggles with showers so tends to have a bath as he has more control over the water on his head. On bad days he uses special wipes to clean himself with.

Ask his school if they can offer some support. My DDs school (also mainstream) did some work with her around periods which made a huge difference. Sometimes someone that's not family telling them just seems to help them listen

I thought teen ds's wandering around in their boxers in their own home was standard 🤣. It is in my house and all my friends with teen ds say the same.
My ds's obviously dress if anyone visits . So I'd probably just focus on that tbh. A top and a pair of shorts need to go on if anyone visits.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being firm about your house rules if being firm is likely to work with him. And there is nothing wrong with a house rule that underwear only is inappropriate outside of bedrooms. He can have different rules when he gets his own home.

The question I would be asking myself is - how am I most likely to be able to get him to conform?

My husband and son both chill in their boxers or shorts. Neither would dream of doing it if a guest was in the house but otherwise its their house and they can lounge around in what they want 🤷‍♀️

My youngest son, 11 year old, has been like this since the off. Currently undergoing ADHD assessment. Doesn’t like being warm or too warm and it stresses him out. He never seems to feel the cold and I’ve never seen him physically shiver and I will wrap him up in winter. Very sensitive to fabrics and labels, everything has to be just right. Only wears hoodies as he likes the weight of the hood, won’t wear a sweater or anything woollen. He knocks about in underpants and strips off as soon as he gets in from school. We have managed to get him to wear his underpants in the last year as being naked wasn’t appropriate. He is clean though, loves aftershaves, body washes and would be in the shower for a month.

Make a rule, he must have shorts or trackies on if he's moving about the house. I grew up with brothers and my mum made a rule like this for this very reason. Wear your pants in your bedroom if you want.

He has clean boxers available

in an ideal world he would wash everyday but doesn’t and it’s an increasingly difficult battle

Mine lives in his oodie and underpants. He now has 3 so they can be rotated for washing.

Thankyou for being understanding I’m not being a dragon

past a certain age walking around in your underwear where whether you like it or not genitalia is more visible as you grow up with a combination of bottom showing , stomach showing it’s both innapropriate to be around and not pleasant, his boxers aren’t the baggy lounge type , and frankly just look like a large baby! Weight non withstanding you just don’t do it!

Urgh I hear you on the showering. We resorted to removal of all electronic devices (rewards hadnt worked). Once he has showered every morning then I unlock everything.

Luckily he is now at the point where he doesnt want to be the smelly one in high school. So showering and changing clothes is getting better wiht9ut supervision.

All mine are boys and no one is allowed underpants only around the house. Shorts of pj's bottoms for adhders and an oodie for asd dc

@TheNaturalBronde I recall M&S developing a range of clothes for people with sensory issues, can I suggest a quick Google search to try to find them. My DS still mainly wears joggers and black cotton t-shirts, but for a long time, he would only wear bamboo clothes.

Also try getting him to use fussy, because it's a probiotic, it attacks the bacteria that cause smells, so it might help.

I personally like the linen type smells but lavender might be good for him. They make smaller travelon ES, but often new users get a deal. It's not cheap but I personally like it a lot.

Two of my sons with sensory issues are forever just in their boxers. I think if you can't be yourself at home then there's no escape from the sensory overload. My eldest hasn't exposed so much as a wrist or foot in over 20 years. He doesn't get told off for covering everything except his head.

In front of guests would be a big no but it's not the end of the world just us. Dh doesn't approve but we both try not to moan. I do think it's a sensory thing.