Why I’m not visiting ILs

[Ignatioys]

I don’t plan to see my ILs again - no big fall out, just LC for a few years and I have no desire to see them again for various reasons.

My issue is, how do I tell my DD that I won’t be visiting them again without affecting the relationship between DD and DGP? I know it’s not my issue that they’re arseholes, but what do I say?

DD is 10, very close with me, not close with my ILs/her DGP, as in they don’t live close by and she doesn’t have a close relationship with them. She’s started to notice that they’re kind of dismissive of me, fairly rude to me at times; I’ve just batted it off so far as though I’ve not noticed. I don’t want to say “I know, they’re bloody rude aren’t they?!” DH knows what I think of them and is LC himself because of the way they are, but they’re still his parents; they’re not evil, they’re just not great. DH can visit them without me and he’ll be fine about that, but really DD should go at least occasionally, but she’ll want to know why I’m not going because that would be unusual, and she’d see it as an excuse for her to not have to go either. I wouldn’t force her to go of course, but I don’t want her to be too influenced by my lack of wanting to see them and therefore forfeit a relationship with her DGP (and her aunt, uncle and cousins who she’d also only ever see when visiting DGP)

Any advice welcomed

If she's noticed, this is the perfect time to not dismiss her feelings. Otherwise your showing her it's acceptable to treat you badly.

I pressed unreasonable by mistake on my phone. Your not. I’d just talk to her about what she’s noticed and say no one has to have a relationship with people who are mean to them and that includes relatives

I don’t think you can. I think you need to acknowledge that you suddenly deciding to stop seeing them permanently will obviously have a significant impact on her relationship with her grandparents.

Be lighthearted about it, ‘yes they absolutely love seeing DH and yourself DD but are not quite as enthusiastic seeing me. That’s ok though’

I also quietly dropped contact this year with my MIL. Sounds similar, just not great and not enjoyable to go. Thankfully I work a
few Weekends a year, and this year suggested they went to visit whilst I was working. So I hadn’t seen MIL in 2025 until Christmas, whilst my husband and DC did 3 trips down. Highly recommend! I’m also not keen on Christmas in future either,working on that too!

’they were rude and unkind to me, so I choose to step back from them even though they are family. They aren’t rude to you and you are their family so you are going.’

For the first few times that you don’t go make sure you have a good excuse - hair/doctors appt for example. After that it will become “the thing” to just go see them with her dad. Please don’t make an issue out of it or she will think she has to take sides. At some point in the future if she asks why you aren’t going simply say you don’t get on very well with her grandparents.
All this assumes of course that they don’t speak badly of you to her. If they do then anything goes.

If you have gone low contact, I agree your DH and your daughter should have their own relationship with the in-laws.

Don't overthink it - if your DH takes your DD to you in-laws - you just have to tell her 'I've got a lot of calls to make today so Daddy is taking you'. Next time 'I have lots of errands to run today' or 'I am meeting the girls for lunch' Make it something easy that she can repeat.

Even though you say she is noticing how they treat you, I would give it a couple of years until you have the in-laws discussion. Don't put her in a position where she feels she has to take sides.

Take the power and say that you don’t like them. Once you stop visiting they’ll transfer the rudeness on DD and she won’t like them either.

DD is kind of protective of me though and will likely say “well if they’re not kind to you then I don’t want to see them either.” Or even without that just won’t want to go without me.

I want DD to know it’s not OK for them to be the way they are towards me and therefore I choose not to be around it, but whilst they’re not making her feel that way (I hope they’re not) because family on my side is sparse, I would like her to maintain a relationship with them. If I tell her yes you’re right they are dicks to me, she’ll say she doesn’t want to see them either. If DD doesn’t ever visit her DGP then she’ll never see her cousins either, which would be a shame.

I’m kind of torn because after 20+ years I do need to remove myself from their bullshit, and also by me not being there, hopefully DD won’t have to witness their treatment towards me. But I at DD’s young age I mostly don't want her to have a negative opinion of them and damage their relationship, because it would basically be non-existent if she didn’t visit them.

As supportive as DH is about me not seeing ILs anymore, I don’t think he will be happy if DD never does either, and I don’t think he’d be keen on me bad mouthing (telling the truth!) about the way his parents treat me and make me feel.
We are talking a couple of times a year for a day or two at a time, so not often, but don’t want to force my DD into a situation I’m not happy to be in myself, but I am done now and can’t sit through anymore visits with them myself.

I also don’t want ILs to place any blame on me either IYSWIM, like “Oh it’s Ignatioys’ fault we have no relationship with our DGD, poor us.” I don’t know if DH plans on telling his parents the truth about why I’m not there, or if he’d rather keep the peace and just say I’m busy or whatever.

I am overthinking it because there aren’t any visits planned, but just want to feel confident in which approach to take when the time comes.

What you want is impossible, though. You want to never see your PILs again without your ten year old noticing or asking questions about why not.

I managed it until dd was probably 11/12 - dh used to visit at weekends and I used to do my work. Dd accepted I was busy. Just tell her you're busy and if you get the jobs done while she is out you can do x later together.

@Cannedlaughter you can just select the other option, your vote isn’t fixed.

I’m sorry but you’re both parents and she’s 10 years old . If you and her dad tell her she’s going to her GPs then she goes . It’s not until for debate. 15/16 is different. but a 10yr old doesn’t call the shots. At least they didn’t in my home.

She’s 10 and old enough to know. Tell her that your in laws are rude to you and that’s why you’re no contact. You and DH shouldn’t force your dd to go if she doesn’t want to. Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t want to.

You do you, let DH do him, and DD (at 10) should just be doing as she’s told to.

I went LC after my SIL started being rude and walking out of rooms when family gatherings and I walked into a discussion with her and FIL slagging me off. I don’t need the drama. My girls still visit with DH but when I’m asked I’m just honest. DD is autistic though and just came out and asked ‘why don’t you like my mum’. That was met by discomfort which actually isn’t a bad thing. People need to own their actions I think.

If she notices how rude they are to you and doesn’t like it, why are you forcing it? Grandparents shouldn’t be allowed to do whatever they want just because they’re grandparents.

I don't see my dad because he said some unforgivable things to me. DS (12) knows as he overheard DSis telling our dad to apologise. I have told him that it's just between me and his grandfather but he doesn't want to see someone who was so horrible to his mum.

Just a thought.

You are massively overthinking this. You and DH need to agree a plan going forward and then you communicate what is happening in an age appropriate way to your dd. As pp said - just have other things to do when dh takes her. If she raises it you can just say something straightforward such as you don't feel like going. If she starts not wanting to go too you can make a decision about that at the time, it isn't connected to you not going. She is the child so if you want her to keep going then that is what will happen. She doesn't get to not go just because you are not going that's not how parenting works. If you must give her an explanation just say that they are her grandparents and it is important for her to have a relationship with them. They are not your grandparents.

I don’t understand why you’d want your DD to have a relationship with them when you & DH don’t like them.
Arrange to see the cousins separately.

I just go with being honest. No point lying about. My mil is very nosey and nit picky and annoying with her underhand comments.

I had to go answer the door the other day while mil was here (she just arrives and walks in). The second I left the girls came running mum while you was at the door nanny was doing this and that….. again….

The know without being told. They find her annoying they visit her though because like a Pp said they are children and dh takes them the oldest doesn’t go as they are close to being an adult.

See I disagree there, DD absolutely doesn’t call the shots but it doesn’t sit right with me to tell her “you’re going to your grandparents whether you like it or not!” There’s a reason I don’t want to see them, and I don’t want DD to feel the way I’ve been made to feel by them over the years.
I can’t say I’m unwilling to go anymore or make my excuses not to go, but then say she has to whether she likes it or not. Trunchbull from Matilda: “I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it!”

@Owly11 “She is the child so if you want her to keep going then that is what will happen. She doesn't get to not go just because you are not going that's not how parenting works.”

@Boomer55 “You do you, let DH do him, and DD (at 10) should just be doing as she’s told to.”

Owly & Boomer, thanks for your input but I think my reply above relates to your comments too.

I think there is a reason yes and if one were to ask her, she’d probably say because it’s boring at their house. But if she articulated it better I think it would be more the way she feels when she is there, as in the way they are with her and the way they are towards me, and I no longer want to sit there and accept that, nor be seen by DD to be sitting there taking it.
For the past year or so when she’s said she doesn’t want to go, we’ve talked her into it by saying we’ll just go for the day or whatever, but it’s a 2-3 hour drive each way, for what ends up being a boring visit at best and an uncomfortable visit at worst.

I’m mainly questioning myself because my side of the family is so small, and DH’s family is the only one where there are aunties, uncles and cousins. They all live very close by each other and are 2-3 hours drive away, so inevitably when we see one household, we see them all. We couldn’t really go there and only see the cousins because they are usually in each others houses or just that it would be weird for DH to visit his siblings but not see his parents when they are only 5 minutes away. None of them would ever make the effort to come and visit us.

DD’s relationship with the ILs is fairly non-existent anyway due to DH’s lack of effort of maintaining much contact and the fact that I made the decision a while ago to stop facilitating relationships between them all when they’re not my family and don’t value me anyway.

So her relationship with them all is small anyway, and I don’t want to cut it off completely when they’re not evil, they’re just dicks quit frankly, and people who I have chosen not to surround myself with. I think DD will choose the same for herself at some point, which I think is sad to lose so many family members, but I get why she might choose that when that’s what I’m doing due to the way they are.