Why I’m not visiting ILs

[Ignatioys]

I don’t plan to see my ILs again - no big fall out, just LC for a few years and I have no desire to see them again for various reasons.

My issue is, how do I tell my DD that I won’t be visiting them again without affecting the relationship between DD and DGP? I know it’s not my issue that they’re arseholes, but what do I say?

DD is 10, very close with me, not close with my ILs/her DGP, as in they don’t live close by and she doesn’t have a close relationship with them. She’s started to notice that they’re kind of dismissive of me, fairly rude to me at times; I’ve just batted it off so far as though I’ve not noticed. I don’t want to say “I know, they’re bloody rude aren’t they?!” DH knows what I think of them and is LC himself because of the way they are, but they’re still his parents; they’re not evil, they’re just not great. DH can visit them without me and he’ll be fine about that, but really DD should go at least occasionally, but she’ll want to know why I’m not going because that would be unusual, and she’d see it as an excuse for her to not have to go either. I wouldn’t force her to go of course, but I don’t want her to be too influenced by my lack of wanting to see them and therefore forfeit a relationship with her DGP (and her aunt, uncle and cousins who she’d also only ever see when visiting DGP)

Any advice welcomed

The more I’ve thought about it today and the horrible shit I’ve put up with over the years, I think I’m just going to tell DD that I think ILs would rather I wasn’t there and I’m choosing not to spend time with people who don’t care for my presence. DH can deal with it from there as to whether he’s going to convince her/force her to go.
Like some have said, DD will soon start to notice more herself what they’re like and choose not to have a relationship with them either. Which is sad because grandparents should be a great addition to a child’s life, and it also means my DD won’t have much a relationship with with her aunts, uncles and cousins either, but sadly they won’t care and I can’t continue to force these things - I’m sure I’ll be the villain from their point of view beut what can I do?

I’m NC with all my in laws. When the kids were little they didn’t understand/notice how I was treated and tbh, I used to lie so they didn’t notice.
now they are older the have sensed a lot more, been reduced to tears themselves, watched this batshittery almost destroy their parents andi won’t lie to them. Now they get the truth.
it’s not easy. DP has accepted that I’m NC. Is LC and NC himself with them. He’d like the kids to have some sort of relationship but navigating that is hard. How do you trust the ILs to treat your DD fairly when they cannot control their contempt for you?
dont underestimate how much your DD will notice.
above all, make sure you and your DH are singing from the same song sheet.
good luck.

In a similar situation I was busy.

however my children who are now older had noticed and did not like it. They did see ILs occasionally but now have effectively no relationship with them.

they see cousins etc at weddings and the like.

Not on the app - once you’ve voted that’s it

Mine don’t see their cousins or aunty unless it’s a large family gathering but honestly it hasn’t bothered them.

They don’t ask about them or want to invite them over or anything.

However if your daughters do enjoy it then get dh to try to build a better relationship with his sister/brother. To arrange meet ups even if that’s a cheap caravan holiday once or twice a year (separate vans) or camping if they would brave it. Memories of fun together without granny.

Invite nephews and nieces for a weekend sleep over once a year your treat type stuff.

There are work arounds.

I wouldn't want DD having much contact with them either if they are like this. I would have a solid excuse for the first few times to not go, like a close friend's special birthday or not feeling well. I would possibly have your DH go by himself sometimes and take DD sometimes, and then when she is 13/14 ish let her decide. If they want to make the effort with her going forward when she is grown up, there will have to be some give and take - if she goes to visit them, they might then come and take her out for lunch or something. Or meet at a halfway point. They are not entitled to a relationship with her if they do not deserve it, just because they are family. It doesn't sound like she is missing out on much.

My Dad's parents were like this with my Mum and she definitely had very limited contact with them when we had left home. My Dad pretty much went to visit them alone. It did not sit right with me and my sister that they were like this and it did eventually turn into them being dismissive of us too as we got older.

Then you are going to have to accept that it is you that will prevent DD having a relationship with her GPs. You can’t have it both ways. My advice is to do everything you can to encourage her to have a relationship with her grandparents. Eventually she will decide for herself but you don’t want to be in the position in years to come of being blamed for the rift, by either ILs or DD.

When the next visit comes up say "I'm not coming because we don't get on well so well with each other, and they won't mind if im not there. But they are yours and dad's family, they'd like to see you, and dad would like you to go with him"

That makes sense. Sad that there’s no effort to visit you though seems like a good thing that ILs are not close by. I would go when DH visits & takes DD mainly to support how she feels about their behaviour - listen to her concerns, be honest but kind. I’d also encourage him to go alone. Family are tricky!!!