To not see my Dad?

[outside1inside]

He's dying of cancer which has spread. He's having chemo which might give him 5 years.

My childhood was shit when he was around although he worked away a lot. When he was around he hit me, berated me, I had to wear winter pe kit in summer to hide the bruises.

We got on better when I was an adult. When I had my first child he turned up to meet her so drunk he doesn't remember it. I decided to cut him out of my life.

Fast forward to now he wants to see me before he dies. He remarried last year and didn't invite me to his wedding. He went on a family holiday over new year and didn't invite me. He did invite my siblings to both.

I phoned him on his birthday last year and he hung up as soon as he politely could. He hasn't tried to phone me but has told my siblings he's like to hear from me.

So my question, aibu to deny a dying man his request?

Do you want to see him before he dies ?
It is your choice here

Completely up to you, there is absolutely no obligation. I find it really strange that people who haven't bothered with you throughout your life want to see you when they're dying. Is it just being selfish or controlling, I don't get it.

Completely agree with this.

Just because he wants to see you before he dies doesn’t mean you have to go along with it unless it would bring you peace in some way.

I don't want to see him. I'm sorry he is dying just like I would feel sorry for anyone in that situation. It's so awful. I suppose I feel like I should feel I want to see him because he's my dad but I don't.

I'm 54.. Haven't seen my df since I was 25. To famine /flood /terminal illness would have me in his company..
Frankly he made his bed as they say.. Same for you op. Unless you want to you aren't obliged to.

He’s being very selfish. He has mistreated you and then gone on to leave you out of the special good things. I would be careful that he doesn’t want to leave you with a few more emotional scars before he goes.
If you don’t want to go and think you would be ok afterwards, I wouldn’t go. He’s had plenty of time to be a good father and has failed miserably. I would go with your gut instincts and what you want to do. You owe him nothing at this stage.

I feel like if I saw him I'd ask why I wasn't invited to the wedding why I wasn't invited on the family holiday. It would just be cross and awkward.

It's hard he's started sending my children Christmas and birthday cards and money for presents (from this Christmas it's a very new thing). My brother said he just wants to make sure he's not shit before he dies.

This is quite suspicious. Almost making sure he’s in your children’s heads and seen to be doing the “right thing” by them so any bad stories you tell about him when he finally dies fall apart.

He's never met my youngest and only met my eldest as a baby. Neither of them know him. They know age appropriate reasons why we don't see him. I get sent the money via brother and the cards go to his house too. It's up to me if they are told where the money and cards come from. They get the money and I tell them it's from my dad. They don't get the cards because they are signed 'grandad' which he is not in my opinion. My stepdad is their Grandad, he is the one who has been there for them.

You don’t have to see him. Why should you? He was a shit dad, he abused you. Was he like that with your siblings? Why do they see him?

He was only abusive to me long term. We've talked about it. The eldest sibling said he started on them after I left but it didn't last long because they all became adults and could stand up for themselves.

I was estranged from my Dad for 25 years, he died last July. I didn’t go and see him. My estranged brother coerced him into making a new will just before he died and apparently he has left me ‘something’.

I didn’t go and see him because he wasn’t the Dad I wanted and needed. He was a non Dad.

He sounds horrible. He’s probably trying to soothe his conscience so unless you want to see him, don’t.

Having said that, don’t turn down any gifts to your children and if he leaves you an inheritance, take it. You can use the money to improve your own and your children’s lives.

Thank you. I'm not bothered about what he has left me. Apparently it's half of whatever he hasn't left his new family.

Apparently it's half of whatever he hasn't left his new family.

@outside1inside Definitely accept it though, put it aside for your children if you don’t want to use it.

You don’t owe him anything. The only reason to visit would be if you felt it would be something you wanted to do.

He doesn't deserve anything from you. He hasn't even tried to contact you himself. I would stay away.

I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. I was no contact with my dad for several years before he died, he had been a shit dad since my childhood (the list of reasons is endless) and I’d stopped talking to him once before and then made the effort to try again, but regretted it and went NC again.

A couple of years before he died, he started texting occasionally to say he was an old man and didn’t know how much time he had, he wanted to see me etc. I stuck to my guns but I did think long and hard about things, how would I feel if I got a phone call one day to say he died? Would I regret it? I accepted that day would come and I would live with it, it was an active choice I made for me.

That day did come, I got a call after he had died, and I have no regrets about not getting back in contact. It wouldn’t have been good for my mental health and I have other people in my life more deserving of my precious time and energy. However, in hindsight, if I’d have known that he was in hospital dying I probably would’ve gone and seen him in his last days. That would’ve been very different to having years of contact with him. I’m not consumed by guilt or hurt over this, but I think I would’ve gone - but I also have no idea of that would’ve been a bad thing if I had.

Your decision on what to do is yours and yours alone. He has absolutely no right to ask anything of you, and your own mental health must come first. Do not let anyone try to guilt trip you, we all will die someday and our slates don’t get wiped clean just because we’re old or have cancer. Do what you want to do, and only on your terms.

Just do what you can OP. You feel sorry that he's dying so you could send a card saying that. You might add that meeting after all that has happened is too much for you, but that you wish him well, provided it's true.

I’m waiting for the day that this happens to me @outside1inside - I could have written your op myself.

I’m really sorry you’re going through it, but trust your instincts and don’t show up for anyone but yourself here. I doubt death will change him, and likely a visit out of pressure or obligation will likely cause you more pain. Treat yourself kindly here - not him.

I was estranged from my dad when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Like you, my dad used to hit me a lot when he lost his temper. He left my DM after 26 years of marriage and went off with her best friend. He eventually married her but years later divorced her and married someone who was younger than myself and my younger DSis. My DSis had reconnected with him when she had a son but I still had no inclination to see him. When he was dying he sent a message to my DSis that he wanted to see me. I refused, I felt he wanted to see me to clear his conscience whereas I would want to say so many things to him but the time had passed.

When he died I went to the funeral to support DSis and to give myself closure. You do what’s best for you Op.

OP if you don't want to see him, don't go. You owe him nothing. Look after yourself lovely 💐

If his prognosis is that he might have 5 years, that gives him plenty of time to write you a letter acknowledging all the things he did to you and apologising for them.

Whatever he might want to say to you before he dies, he can put it in a letter. I feel that wanting to see you is just his expectation that you will forgive him and thereby clear his conscience. It sounds like it's not actually anything to do with you but all about him and what he wants.

My estranged Dad started writing to me in 2016 when my husband died. I always hoped he’d apologise, he never did. I think he forgot who he was writing to and he referred to a ring he’d given a girl while married to my mum. He started being unfaithful when my Mum was pregnant with me and I have lived my life feeling betrayed. His death has not bought me relief and I’m 69. Counselling is helping.