To go for a diagnosis for my child or not?

[Toornotto]

I am prepared to get flamed for this and will try and make it as short as possible.

Since my child has been little I have had some people question (including myself) whether she may be autistic or ADHD.

I sometimes hate labels and think way too many times they’re thrown at kids just because they don’t fit into a box and it can be more harmful than helpful in some cases.

My DD is an absolute angel and I could not wish for a better child, which is probably why I have never felt the need to diagnose her.
But I struggle with guilt of whether I have made her life more difficult.

She is 17 now and so I am wondering if I have left it too late.

Some examples of her traits:
Very sensitive to certain textures - can’t wear certain clothes.
Very sensitive hearing - can hear sounds that I can’t which can be difficult for her.
Suffered with anxiety.
Used to be hyper - almost uncontrollably so but now is almost the opposite.
Struggles with changes - has regularly led to meltdowns, crying and self harming.
Can be impulsive and sensitive.
Loses everything.
Accidentally breaks things.
Disorganised and ‘away with the fairies’
Has never slept a full night.
Has never been to a hairdressers as can’t cope.
And more.

But she does not do:
Hand flapping, stimming, intense focus on interests etc which are regularly seen in autistic individuals.
She also doesn’t interrupt people talking or has difficulty waiting her turn as seen in ADHD individuals.

Inattentive ADHD sounds very similar but that doesn’t account for the struggles with change and sensory difficulties.
It is also odd because how can you go from being so hyper (to the point several people have commented saying she’s ADHD) to late primary school and being the opposite to not being hyper.

AIBU?
YABU - to not get a diagnosis. Go and get one.
YANBU - do not go and get a diagnosis. She does not have traits that fully align with any ND.

Why would you not get a diagnosis? If she wants/needs support at uni, she will need one. Doesn't she want to have an explanation of why she's different or struggling? Wouldn't it give her ideas of coping mechanisms that would work? If it was ADHD she'd have the option of medication too.

I would OP.

At 17, does she want a diagnosis? It’s really up to her at this age, whether she feels she struggles in particular areas and could identify additional support that she’d benefit from or require in education and the workplace.

What does she think? You can't really do anything either way now she's 17.

At 17, surely it is your daughter's decision, not yours?
Has she had any support/therapy over the years?

At 17 it should be something for her to decide for herself.

Yes you should get a diagnosis, it sounds like ASD, but could be both ADHD and ASD / AuDHD
plwaae get her some help as I have two children DS13 with both and DD17 with ASD, a diagnosis has helped with provisions and support in school / college, medications have also helped the ADHD but also the anxiety
good luck

She never questioned if she was different because she’s never been treated as such.

I have always taught her that everyone is different and she’s always been around classmates that have been ‘very’ autistic (they had a separate area but would integrate with the main school as much as possible) and she obviously doesn’t act like them, many of whom will never live independently.

As she got older she did start questioning things more and I said we can go to the gp but even that is too much for her.
But at the same time all of her friends self diagnosed as autistic or trans etc and so I thought I wouldn’t be taken seriously and didn’t want to put her through unnecessary stress.

I would try to have an assessment.

My daughter is 18 and has just got a diagnosis, mainly in case she needed support at uni. She doesn’t need to do anything with it if she doesn’t want to!

We went down the NHS Right to Choose pathway. The GP put the referral through on her 18th birthday (there’s a shorter wait for adult assessment) and she had her assessment 10 weeks later. It would have been sooner but she kept forgetting to book the appointment. 😂 🤦‍♀️

She's clearly neurodivergent. Probably adhd but maybe audhd.

It would be awful for her to remain undiagnosed.
ADHD never travels alone.
They'll have comorbidities.
My friend is 51 and is clearly neurodivergent.
Undiagnosed.
Unmanaged.
Unmedicated.
In trouble at work once again at the moment and job hops each time. Few friends. Has SAD, object permanence, rejection dysphoria syndrome, insomnia, oppositional defiance disorder and anxiety. I think she's autistic too.
I don't think she's ever had a sexual relationship either.
Menopause has made this all even more obvious and her symptoms are getting worse.

Don't let your dd go undiagnosed.

To those saying it’s up to her - she’s not sure.

She’s brought it up over the years and has said more often that she’s struggling and wants to see if there’s anything wrong but then I say ok I’ll book a gp appointment and then she panics and says she doesn’t want to.

So I don’t know whether to force it or just leave it.

I wish I did it a few years ago because now she’s at an age where it’s her choice but I doubt she’ll choose to go but I worry about her as an adult as I’ve always been able to manage her fine.

I think a diagnosis is only needed if it’ll open doors/ be helpful. Eg. I have migraines but can manage with migraleve so don’t need a doctor to formally diagnose. With autism/adhd it can prevent your immigrating to places like Australia. All fine if that’s not on the cards but I wouldn’t want to block that for a diagnosis when symptoms are managed.

dd1 also 17 has some personality traits that are also seen in autistic people but management techniques used for people with autism are helpful - eg. I’d never arrange a surprise party for dd1, she just can’t process emotions quickly.

Well you might well find there is no diagnosis to give her, many of the things you describe are perfectly common.

I tend to disagree with many of the others. I don't think accommodations are actually a good thing if a student can find a way to manage without them. Sure, short term they might get better marks. But they won't learn to manage things liek workload, which will not be adjusted in their workplace. (Or in some cases they may manage to graduate from a program they won't be suited to work in, when it might have been better to change course earlier.) If the accommodation is offered however there is little push to figure out how to manage without.

And I think employers are increasingly realising that students with accommodations may or may not be able to function in the workplace and are setting tests to find out before hiring.

The other issue I am conscious of with any kind of diagnosis that will go on a medical chart is that information is now something that the individual will carry with them forever, and it could become relevant for all kinds of reasons. Notably for insurance, potentially also for things like immigration applications. You just don't know what could be a factor in the future.

And remember, there is nothing to stop your daughter for looking at the strategies that could be helpful to her functioning, without a diagnosis, and trying them out.

It’s a spectrum but her needs are more than NT children so she needs support - secure the diagnosis so she can secure the support

What is her life like? Thriving? Studying? Happy?

She has self harmed?

For that reason alone I would have pursued anything and every thing

No she’s never had any therapy.

In primary school she was classed as having LD and have extra support from a TA and being taught in small groups.

In secondary school she was also classed as having LD but didn’t receive additional support.

I asked secondary school if they think she could be autistic. They said it’s hard to tell because she’s so well behaved and girls tend to mask but there are definitely traits there.
But this was just after Covid and they said they get at least 5 parents a week suggesting that their child might have autism.

No one has said what specific LD she has - she’s not dyslexic or anything.

I think this is what I’m worried about.

I have always been worried about putting her in a box and her thinking that’s it.

And then I thought what if they give her this label but she’s not that she’s something else or NT and just a bit different.

Can you afford to go private?

My eldest DC was a hyper child and a really mellow teen. I don't think that's unusual as it is the reason that professionals can be reluctant to give ADHD diagnosis to young children. I think we all have some sensory differences to a certain extent and sensory differences aren't actually a part of the diagnostic criteria for ASD or ADHD. Strong emotions are very common for teen girls, even for adult women at certain points in the menstrual cycle.
At 17, it's ultimately your DDs decision anyway, she would be on the adult pathway.

When I say self harmed it’s more an impulsive thing.

So eg a few years ago I booked the cinema as a treat. We had been several times before but this was more unexpected.
She started having a meltdown and then tried to hurt herself but it wasn’t a planned thing.
She gets so overwhelmed with emotions that she’ll do silly things.

She does seem to have grown out of this and is able to control her emotions more - or I have just got better at making sure she is prepared in advance.

I would. Both mine had late diagnoses and it really helped.

So much easier for them to say I have dyspraxia and this means ..... or I have ADHD and this means ..... than to just try to list a 'random' set of things.

For good or ill, in my opinion, naming the difficulties enables others to better remember and if necessary adjust.

You can’t “force the issue”, that’s not conducive to an effective assessment in the first place. I’d encourage her to reflect on how she feels about how she functions, deals with situations, how she differs from and is the same as her peers, what she feels frustrates her from achieving what she wants etc and let her know that you’ll support her decision and provide anything she needs to reach it.

That reflection is crucial as if she did decide to be assessed and she is diagnosed, an adult diagnosis does require any follow up to be self-led - a diagnosis isn’t a magic wand to other people and institutions knowing exactly what she needs and making it available. She’ll need to have insight into her own difficulties, emotions and behaviours, and have thought about what support she feels she needs and would be willing to engage with: whether she can identify her support needs, whether she can identify what things universities or employers could understand or put in place to assist her, whether she’d want to be medicated, whether she is confident advocating for herself or would like assistance, and so on.