To go for a diagnosis for my child or not?

[Toornotto]

I am prepared to get flamed for this and will try and make it as short as possible.

Since my child has been little I have had some people question (including myself) whether she may be autistic or ADHD.

I sometimes hate labels and think way too many times they’re thrown at kids just because they don’t fit into a box and it can be more harmful than helpful in some cases.

My DD is an absolute angel and I could not wish for a better child, which is probably why I have never felt the need to diagnose her.
But I struggle with guilt of whether I have made her life more difficult.

She is 17 now and so I am wondering if I have left it too late.

Some examples of her traits:
Very sensitive to certain textures - can’t wear certain clothes.
Very sensitive hearing - can hear sounds that I can’t which can be difficult for her.
Suffered with anxiety.
Used to be hyper - almost uncontrollably so but now is almost the opposite.
Struggles with changes - has regularly led to meltdowns, crying and self harming.
Can be impulsive and sensitive.
Loses everything.
Accidentally breaks things.
Disorganised and ‘away with the fairies’
Has never slept a full night.
Has never been to a hairdressers as can’t cope.
And more.

But she does not do:
Hand flapping, stimming, intense focus on interests etc which are regularly seen in autistic individuals.
She also doesn’t interrupt people talking or has difficulty waiting her turn as seen in ADHD individuals.

Inattentive ADHD sounds very similar but that doesn’t account for the struggles with change and sensory difficulties.
It is also odd because how can you go from being so hyper (to the point several people have commented saying she’s ADHD) to late primary school and being the opposite to not being hyper.

AIBU?
YABU - to not get a diagnosis. Go and get one.
YANBU - do not go and get a diagnosis. She does not have traits that fully align with any ND.

My friend didn’t tell me what adjustments the school made but since her DS has slow language processing, I’m assuming they might have given him written materials in advance. He is also a perfectionist and worries a lot about getting things wrong so maybe they did something like allowing him to come and talk through his homework before handing it in.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about the spiky profile. I apparently was the best student ever in foreign languages and maths (at a grammar school) but it was touch and go about whether I would even pass English Literature O-level (I’m autistic and have ADHD AND can’t read between the lines of understand inferred meanings.

ND traits can definitely change with age. I don’t know why but some of my ND traits have recently (I’m late 50s) become much more pronounced. I am now having regular autistic shutdowns and my language processing has become so bad that I now cannot understand American films or TV programmes, even though I used to live in the
USA and went on many business trips there to work in our US offices.

Also, it really riles me when non medical people use the word ‘label’ instead of ‘diagnosis’. It often sounds very dismissive even though it is incredibly significant and negatively affects every aspect of life - physical and mental health, relationships, career, education etc etc. I’ve never heard anyone describing a diabetes diagnosis as a label. This term seems to be reserved for ND diagnoses.

I asked my (private) psychiatrist about this When somebody asks for an assessment, she sends them gazilions of screeners and other questionnaires. She looks at them and if she thinks she might not be able to diagnose them, she cancels their appointment. The NHS (at least in my area) has a triage system like this.

My son has adhd and is autistic. He refused assessment for several years until he started his gcses then agreed. When he got the diagnosis he was sad for a while and doesnt like to feel hes defined by it. However, he feels it was right to do it now as he is at uni and has a lot of adjustments made for him which he may not have got without the diagnosis, and he acknowledges he would not have been able to cope without them.

We actually have a long relationship with the assessment centre where my child also received therapy. The therapists know my child well and they supported an ADHD assessment. (I don’t believe they would have been pressured by their centre to do so.) Our school otoh didn’t see signs of child adhd, and their opposing questionnaire was the reason we had an inconclusive result. If I had understood ahead of time that the child needs to meet the criteria both at home and at school (or another site) then I would have told the assessor and perhaps we would have waited.

We also went through the triage system with the NHS and we’re on the ADHD waiting list too.

Is she clearly impaired by the traits you mention?

The traits of adhd and asd overlap a lot with normal variation in humans, the distinguishing feature is the extent to which you are impaired by (for eg) social deficits or sensory needs.

How does she get on at school? How is her behaviour at home?

Its normal for teenagers to have mood swings or be quite "blue" a lot of the time.

I’m in education.

chose not to go for a diagnosis for my son

it was right for us.

How do you know it was the right thing to do? So you don’t believe your son is ND? Or you do but chose not to pursue an assessment? @Hopeyoudontspotme

What would you have lost by going for an assessment if it was suspected?