Am I expecting too much from my DP

[Allaboutthegirliguess]

I was diagnosed with cancer. Had surgery and am now at the stage of looking at reconstruction. Went with my DP to a show and tell.
First hour together. Men and women. Second half separated. At the separated stage all the men went but he left and waited outside in the car.

I feel really let down by this. He says he left because he felt he got the information he needed, knew what it would entail and was uncomfortable being with strangers in an emotional environment. I get that but he could have gained inside knowledge whilst sitting in the back quietly.

I have hardly stopped crying since. He has been an amazing support so far. But always in his comfort zones when he had a choice. Of course there have been times he hasn't had choices.

Part of me feels extremely unreasonable, but I cant control this feeling of hurt and let down. I hate feeling angry about it as he doesn't deserve that after all we have been through. But its not stopping me feeling like this.

Any advice on moving forward. Its hardly three biggest battle we have had to face through this journey but it has knocked for 6.

Hand hold - You're half way there, you know YABU but you're also going through very big feelings at the minute, so try to remember so you dont forget; you can't control how he reacts to a situation, you only control how you react; you dont know what hes going through in all this but you do know that hes doing a helluva lot to be your support. He is going to have some massive (uncontrollable, insurmountable emotions in all this) and he did give a glimpse into his reasoning and that might be all there is too it - a room full of strangers and a lot of emotions.

One step at a time.

I understand where you're coming from, but you are being unreasonable.

He has been an amazing support, and was there with you for the first part of the talk to support you, he just declined speaking to a bunch of strangers about his personal feelings. I think that's a perfectly acceptable boundary to have.

This one time was about him and his feelings, it sounds like he's there being supportive when its about you and your feelings, which is the main thing.

I hope the surgery goes well 💐

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I voted Yabu not because I think you are unreasonable to feel upset. But I think your interpretation of his action as meaning he doesn’t care or want to help is wrong. It sounds like he didn’t feel like he could cope with the situation - talking to other men about you and him and how it is right now.

On the face of it he doesn’t sound completely unreasonable, and it doesn’t make sense you are so upset - so there must be a deeper reason. And this has perhaps triggered it? Is it that you feel he is avoiding feeling all the emotions whilst you have to deal with them all the time and everything else? Or something else?

I hope the surgery goes well.

I think you are transferring the emotions you feel about having cancer onto his actions which isn’t fair.

Thank you all, I agree this is not on him and his actions. I just dont know how to hide how I feel right now without making him feel bad.

All you can do is be honest.

Tell him you know its not fair on him but you're feeling pissed off, and you need a bit of space to work through your emotions.

You are scared and emotional. I remember that stage. It is completely understandable.

However, remember your dh is scared and emotional too. He's dealing with it in the way that helps him best. When we went through, written information seemed to work better for men.

You will both have the oncology nurses' helpline number. He can call if he needs to understand something better. Take each day & support each other. Good luck.

Yes I agree him opting out has triggered some past trauma of being left to deal alone with my problems from a young age. And then my exh would also opt out on every occasion.

My DP hasn't done this. Just this time. I need to rationalise this.

I'd give him a cuddle OP. You don't need an excuse to weep on his shoulder, or he on yours.

Op. Going to go against the other posts and say I don't think you're being unreasonable. Ive recently had major surgery , not comparable to your journey at all and I felt I needed support with everything , let alone what you have gone thru, so I dont think it would have been too much to ask him to stay, even if he got what he needed out of it, you stay to suppprt the other person. Dont hide how you feel, obviously this isnt a LTB situation, far from it but its ok to say, it didnt sit well with you that he left . Im sure he will understand, a reasonable person would. Good luck Op. Wishing you all the best. Xx

Sorry op, edited to say dont allow ppl here to brainwash you. Mumsnet is famous for wanting you to have the bare minimum from a man and then jumping down your throat for being a doormat when you put up with bad behaviour. Xx

Do you have a Maggies centre near you? You are going through such a lot. 💐

I totally understand how you feel, but I think my DH would have done something similar as he just couldn’t bear to be in a room with a load of men he didn’t know discussing something so personal. I would have made him for too uncomfortable.

If he has been a genuine support the rest of the time, then I think you can forgive him this and let it go and focus on your recovery and the other ways he can support you post op

@Theonlywayicanloveyoui agree.
for me I cannot bear group sessions. I would have probably done the same! My husband has seizures out of the blue and diagnosed with epilepsy and they asked us to go to a group session to deal with seizures etc and discuss and get support (as he is at risk of SUDEP which is sudden unexplained death from epilepsy).
We both opted out.
That doesn’t mean we don’t care…we just like to deal with things our own way as we’re all unique.

If has has been a good support the rest of the time and attended the session with you and only opted out of is own session he should be forgiven.

Hope everything goes well for you OP. Xxx

OP, I think you just accept that everyone deals with things differently. I am female, but if my partner had asked me to go with them to this session, I would have done the first part (but only as the partner had requested it), but definitely missed the second bit. Who wants to share their feelings about illnesss among a bunch of strangers? Definitely not me, I would have hated it.
If your partner is generally supportive then cut him some slack. Sometimes the appropriate way of coping is to carry on as normal, and not make a big deal of the illness.

We arent talking about your sister. ( I don't mean that disrespectful) Op wanted him to stay.

No, we are talking about a man who has been fully supportive of op, and there for her throughout choosing not to go and discuss his feelings with a bunch of strangers.

This man isn't doing the minimum at all, nor is anyone brainwashing op.

That would be my husband’s idea of hell and I don’t think he would gain anything from it at all, he would find it excruciating. If he knew in advance it was really important to me that he not just do the group session but his own then he would do it (although I don’t think I would ask him to because I know it’s not the type of thing that would help him) but if I hadn’t made that clear, for him the support part would be coming to the group session with me, not the individual parts.

Likewise, from your DP’s perspective, he probably didn’t think not attending separate section would be viewed as him opting out of supporting you; he was there for the mixed section to be with you but chose not to engage with the individual session for him as he didn’t feel it would be of any benefit.

I would focus on all the support he has shown and no doubt will continue to show in your day to day life. It doesn’t sound like he’s opted out of supporting you in your cancer journey so far, so no reason to think that’s what he’s doing now.

He just opted out of something that sounds was aimed directly at him, not where he needed to offer you support, but where it was intended to help him and it wasn’t the kind of help he wanted or would benefit from, so he chose to sit it out.

I had breast cancer, lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy followed by 18 cycles of Herceptin. The thought of going to a group question and answer session sounds awful and for my husband a hundred times worse. I had all the information I needed from the doctors, breast care team and cancer care team. I’m not sure group information sessions benefit everyone.

I had breast cancer, lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy followed by 18 cycles of Herceptin. The thought of going to a group question and answer session sounds awful and for my husband a hundred times worse. I had all the information I needed from the doctors, breast care team and cancer care team. I’m not sure group information sessions benefit everyone.

I had breast cancer, lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy followed by 18 cycles of Herceptin. The thought of going to a group question and answer session sounds awful and for my husband a hundred times worse. I had all the information I needed from the doctors, breast care team and cancer care team. I’m not sure group information sessions benefit everyone.

I had breast cancer, lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy followed by 18 cycles of Herceptin. The thought of going to a group question and answer session sounds awful and for my husband a hundred times worse. I had all the information I needed from the doctors, breast care team and cancer care team. I’m not sure group information sessions benefit everyone.

I had breast cancer, lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy followed by 18 cycles of Herceptin. The thought of going to a group question and answer session sounds awful and for my husband a hundred times worse. I had all the information I needed from the doctors, breast care team and cancer care team. I’m not sure group information sessions benefit everyone.