For putting my foot down at my sister insisitng joint birthday for my daughther and her son?

[Meowmeowgirl]

My daughter turning 7 and my nephew 11

I need an outside perspective on a family situation that has caused more conflict than I ever expected.

My daughter is turning 7. She shares the same birthday as her cousin, who is turning 11 years old. When they were younger, joint celebrations sometimes made sense. But as they’ve grown older, the age gap and needs are very different.
This year, my daughter is not having a class birthday due to finances, so I wanted to do something small and special at home just for her. A simple family celebration after school with decorations, cake, and food she loves. Nothing big just her day.

I was very clear that this was my daughter’s birthday celebration. It was communicated as such, including that there would be themed decorations(unicorn theme) specifically chosen for her. No joint celebration was planned or agreed upon.
Despite this, my sister assumed her child would also be celebrated during my daughter’s birthday. This included bringing a separate cake, candles, and opening gifts together. When I said this wasn’t what I had planned, I was met with long messages about prioritizing her child’s feelings and how he might be hurt.
I want to be clear: I care about my nephew. I don’t want him to feel sad. But I am not his parent I am my daughter’s mother. My responsibility is to protect her moments, memories, and experiences.

My nephew is older and is having his own class birthday celebration where he will be the center of attention. My daughter is younger and will not have that experience this year. That is exactly why I wanted this one day to be hers.

I offered compromises, such as gifts being brought separately, but I was not willing to turn my daughter’s birthday into a joint celebration again. Especially when past shared celebrations often resulted in uneven attention and memories that weren’t truly hers.
What hurt the most was being told this was “poor planning,” when no shared celebration was ever planned between us, last year there where no joint birtdhay and my daughter got her own birtdhay with me and her 2 grandparents.The expectation was created without my agreement.

I believe children don’t always need to be protected from every feeling of disappointment. Learning that not every event is about you is part of growing up especially when another child deserves their own spotlight.
In the end, my sister chose not to attend, which I respect. But I’m left feeling frustrated that setting a boundary for my child turned into conflict.
I don’t think it’s wrong to say that being born on the same day doesn’t mean sharing every birthday forever. Each child deserves their own moments, especially as they grow.
I’m open to hearing whether others think I was unreasonable but please understand, this was about protecting my child’s experience, not taking anything away from another. It was litteraly my mom who invited my sister and told me about it and i said okay nice, but then she made more out of it.

YANBU AT ALL!

This is your daughter's party. The only birthday you should be concerned about is hers. Not your nephew's. He can have his class party and a little celebration at home or on the precinct with his mates whatever, you don't get involved with his and your CF sister shouldn't get involved in your daughter's.

@Sasha07 absoluttley agree with u. I can agrre also that two family birtdhays in a week?! Omg how fun for the kids cakes and pizza or hot dogs same week and they both get to choose theme themselfs without having a colour party to make it fair. I know she could throw a good party she also loves bakong so idk why she got so mad at me for wanting it to be about my own kid

But it's the daughter's party, not his. It doesn't matter whether the party was actually on nephew's birthday.

Last year actually my DD (10 now, but 9 at the time) went to her best friend M's party on her actual birthday. M's birthday is a week before DD's but she was poorly that week so the party was postponed to the next week. DD was absolutely fine. We didn't bring an extra cake, demand presents or even tell mia's mum that it was also DD's birthday. But after we sang happy birthday to M and the cake was taken away, the mum got everyone to sing to DD. DD was not expecting it at all she was really happy, so M mustve told her parents it was DD's birthday beforehand

Think this might be a case of an unreliable narrator…. With each new response she comes across as more and more unhinged!

@JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl and what you guys get out of being rude? The thread is not about spellings maybe you should learn at school to read before commenting, same with the others

I think the conflict happened because you invited your nephew. It would be weird for him to go to another child's party on his own birthday and not be given special attention. Not being invited would have been fine. But if the day wasn't actually their birthday, this isn't quite the case...
Anyway, your sister and nephew not coming to the party sounds like a good solution and hopefully it will blow over without leaving any ill feeling.

@LivingTheDreamish yea its is. This was never supposed to be anything big than just a little celebration with her favorite food and cake and some decorations she love. Because yea if she brings her own cake but im still the one paying for the food. Not that the food itself its the problem but i was really looking forward for my daughter to have her own day without having to share it. Pluss the mini birthday was not even on their birthday but after the birthday date.

@flatterlylatterly thing is i did not invite them my mom did. I was just thinking something small but after my sister got to know she was making it into a bigger deal than it needed to be. Just like a little visit of the grandparents on a weekday nothing much and it was not on the birth day but the day after that. Pluss my sister didn’t invite to anything since she was allready on the class birtdhay for her son coming up.

No one is being rude OP, but if you’re asking strangers in the internet for advice and opinions it’s probably best to give as honest a representation of events as possible, including your own interpretation of them!

No way. I have a 10 year old and i would say it’s your cousins birthday party not yours?? I have actually done this and explained it to him on his 3rd birthday when we took him to a friends birthday party, zero issues saying I know it’s your birthday but you have Johnnys party today even for a 3yo. The ops sister should try some parenting and the grandma should pull her head out.

the op should have said sure if we’re invited to <boys name> party. Otherwise definitely not, my dd gets her own party.

@99bottlesofkombucha i would have told my daughter the exact same, epsecially since nothing was said or planned. I did tell my mom that it was not for her to invite without telling me about it first since it was just a little surprise celebration for her after school, nothing biggie. Even if my sister brought a cake with her and her sons gifts it still make it joint, especially since he is getting a cake and blow out the candles at his own birthdayparty with his class

Oh I see. A bit of a muddle then really. I hope you can all recover from this upset in time.

Rather confusing as on some posts they shsre the same birthday and on others they sre a day apart. A day apart is not sharing a birthday. I would just arrange things with your sister so that the parties are not on the same day, if they want to invite each other which they are less likely to do as they get older. I agree that a joint extended family birthday and separate friend parties are probably the way forward.

Their birthdays are the same day, the parties are a day apart.

OP did not invite her sister, her mum did.

@2Rebecca if they both have class birthday i guess joint birtdhays would not matter or idk i like to decorate, but my daughter is not having a class birthday this year, therefor i tought she could have her birthday that day wich is not the date they where born but after. But i think next year its only gonna be birthday with the class

@flatterlylatterly yea that my mom decided it was a good idea to invite her😅 if she didnt say anything no offence would be taken by my sister just like last year

My DC have no cousins but DD is the youngest in our close friends group. She's 10. The oldest in the group is a boy of 16 and they almost share a birthday. We always do something jointly for them at one of our homes, they both receive gifts and a cake and we sing happy birthday. We do separate things too, whether a school friends party or a family day out, whatever. But they still enjoy the joint celebration. I don't expect the 16 year old to want to do it forever, I'm really happy that he still does, but it will be for him to tell us if he doesn't fancy it next year etc, I wouldn't dream of being the one to decide the party is just for my DD.

Op i think you are being a bit precious.
Its a family party, granny can't split herself in two and attend individual family parties. Nor should she be expected to choose.

Is the nephew having any sort of family get together? What about his other granny / aunts / cousin?

Its awkward having shared birthdays. And sometimes you do need to juggle.

Op what are you doing on her actual birthday if the family gathering is the day after?

I’m not sure I’m totally understanding this correctly.

So they both have their birthdays on Jan 21st.
What did your daughter do on her actual birthday and what did nephew do on his actual birthday?
Surely you’d all get together on that day? Grandparents/aunties/uncles/cousins?
Then nephew is having a class party (fair enough) and your daughter is having a little unicorn party the next day (fair enough).
When did your sister give her niece her present and when did you give your nephew his present?

This sounds way more complicated than it needed to be!!!

I would just say they are getting older now and they both like different things so you would like to do a seperate celebration. End of. If she does not like it tough shit.

You need to have a word with your mum and tell her to stop interfering as it causes trouble.

Just pointing out that this thread is from January :)