For putting my foot down at my sister insisitng joint birthday for my daughther and her son?

[Meowmeowgirl]

My daughter turning 7 and my nephew 11

I need an outside perspective on a family situation that has caused more conflict than I ever expected.

My daughter is turning 7. She shares the same birthday as her cousin, who is turning 11 years old. When they were younger, joint celebrations sometimes made sense. But as they’ve grown older, the age gap and needs are very different.
This year, my daughter is not having a class birthday due to finances, so I wanted to do something small and special at home just for her. A simple family celebration after school with decorations, cake, and food she loves. Nothing big just her day.

I was very clear that this was my daughter’s birthday celebration. It was communicated as such, including that there would be themed decorations(unicorn theme) specifically chosen for her. No joint celebration was planned or agreed upon.
Despite this, my sister assumed her child would also be celebrated during my daughter’s birthday. This included bringing a separate cake, candles, and opening gifts together. When I said this wasn’t what I had planned, I was met with long messages about prioritizing her child’s feelings and how he might be hurt.
I want to be clear: I care about my nephew. I don’t want him to feel sad. But I am not his parent I am my daughter’s mother. My responsibility is to protect her moments, memories, and experiences.

My nephew is older and is having his own class birthday celebration where he will be the center of attention. My daughter is younger and will not have that experience this year. That is exactly why I wanted this one day to be hers.

I offered compromises, such as gifts being brought separately, but I was not willing to turn my daughter’s birthday into a joint celebration again. Especially when past shared celebrations often resulted in uneven attention and memories that weren’t truly hers.
What hurt the most was being told this was “poor planning,” when no shared celebration was ever planned between us, last year there where no joint birtdhay and my daughter got her own birtdhay with me and her 2 grandparents.The expectation was created without my agreement.

I believe children don’t always need to be protected from every feeling of disappointment. Learning that not every event is about you is part of growing up especially when another child deserves their own spotlight.
In the end, my sister chose not to attend, which I respect. But I’m left feeling frustrated that setting a boundary for my child turned into conflict.
I don’t think it’s wrong to say that being born on the same day doesn’t mean sharing every birthday forever. Each child deserves their own moments, especially as they grow.
I’m open to hearing whether others think I was unreasonable but please understand, this was about protecting my child’s experience, not taking anything away from another. It was litteraly my mom who invited my sister and told me about it and i said okay nice, but then she made more out of it.

I would have said sure.

Then turned up to his classmate party with a unicorn cake and candles...

@Givemeachaitealatte its not the kids fault for being born same day but dosnt mean celebrations always have to be jointed. Pluss shes not having class birtdhay therefor i tough okay i make just a small with granparents and then my mom decided to invite my sister

@BendingSpoons my tought to, when they older they never celebrate togheter again prob🤣 its just been now because they small, pluss my sister loves to arrange stuff and decorate so tought why didnt she plan one to?

That's ridiculous though. Surely she knows that the fortnite cake is for her cousin and the unicorn is for her. I think you are unreasonable to invite family to a birthday party only for your daughter* *when her cousin's birthday is the same day. A lack of generosity on your part and I understand that your sister opted out. You could have had a small tea party for your dds friends- that's not expensive. The whole thing about "my dd will wonder when she looks at the photos why there was a fortnite cake there" rubbed me up the wrong way. Very precious indeed. It's you who want all the attention on your dd- she probably wouldn't have minded sharing her family birthday party. I'm born on the same day as my brother- never bothered any of us. Not the same gender so no jealousy about gifts either as in your case as well. YABU

My responsibility is to protect her moments, memories, and experiences

think you are being a bit precious about her memories - she will not care if there was a Fortnite cake in the photos in years to come

whilst you were not wrong to want a separate do just for her, you came across a bit ott about it all , maybe throw a bash for your nephew or treat him to a special treat to smooth it all over , she has taken umbridge with your stance but it’s not worth falling out over

If I was your sister I’d choose not to attend. It’s very weird to invite a child to your home on their birthday and not allow it to be acknowledged. If you want it to be just about your daughter you should hold it on a different day, invite different people or accept they won’t come.

How would you honestly have felt if it were the other way around? Would you have really picked your daughter up from school on her birthday, gone over to your sister’s house and accepted that she was celebrating someone else’s birthday and not hers? And just said ‘We’re not celebrating you today as you’re having a party at the weekend’? I don’t think so.

Being born on the same day as a cousin is a blessing and a curse. If you’re going to see your sister you need to accept it will be marking both birthdays. If you don’t want to do that then fine, but arrange to see other people.

Yout Dsis needs to get a grip! I have Dtwins and we try to deliver them their own.birthfay memories as best we can. I think you are 100% right in the fact the gap between 7 & 11 is huge.

YANBU OP.
He's having his own party why does he (or rather his mum) have to be centre of attention on your daughter 's birthday as well ?
Tell her no and keep saying no and if she ignores this and pulls out a cake "accidentally" knock it to the ground

11 is secondary school shes batshit

Well mind u.

I understand that this worked well in your family, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right solution for every situation.

My daughter is younger, not having a class birthday this year, and has spent many years sharing celebrations and compromising. This year, I wanted one simple family celebration that was clearly hers.

Inviting family to celebrate one child does not automatically mean celebrating every child with a birthday nearby. No joint celebration was agreed upon, and expectations were created without my involvement.

Wanting my child to be the focus on her own birthday isn’t about attention-seeking it’s about protecting her experience and memories.

Different families, children, and dynamics require different boundaries.

Ask her if his birthday party is also going to be your DDs then?

Part of the issue comes from them used to having joint parties.

Going forward you either need to agree to have separate birthdays and then an extra get together with family on the actual day for both of them with a shared cake or 2 mini ones.

Or completely separate parties and they never celebrate together.

If it was me and my sister, we would likely have an agreement that on the actual birthday date we would meet up with family and have a mini celebration - that way grandparents can see both kids on their birthdays.
Then I’d agree to not have the parties on the birthday day and celebrate separately with their friends.

This is a tricky one. I agree they have aged out of joint birthdays but if your "at home/family" parties include grandparents and they share one set of grandparents then this needs careful planning. But it's not hard - you each pick your family party day with the understanding that only one child is being celebrated at each party.

But it sounds like your sister just can't be bothered to plan her own thing and wants to piggy back on your party. This is unreasonable.

I understand the party is day after his birthday so why open presents a day after his actual birthday? also kids don’t open presents in front of people these days as it’s soo cringe so why do that ?

bit mean not to allow a cake , when my sons birthday party was on an aunts achual birthday we put a cake on the table for her , did candles and sang happy birthday , my son is not confused by the photos and had a fun time

Are you expecting the 11yo and his parents/grandparents to attend a party on his birthday and just sort of pretend to forget it’s his birthday too?

You keep saying your daughter isn’t having a class party so this one should be all about her, but it doesn’t work like that. Not having a class party is your choice, and it’s irrelevant. It’s about the fact that the family you’re inviting are also the family of the other birthday child. If you want a party that doesn’t mention his birthday, you need to have one that doesn’t involve him or his family, imo.

If it was me:

On the birthday day - mini celebration for BOTH kids where grandparents can see both of them.

Plus separate celebrations on days other than the birthday day.

I was going to say you were being unreasonable for wanting them to come on both of their birthday but only celebrate your daughters and ignore the fact his is the same day.

buy I see the family party is planned for the day after. So no, it’s fine. It can be a day just for your dd

My daughter is younger, not having a class birthday this year, and has spent many years sharing celebrations and compromising. This year, I wanted one simple family celebration that was clearly hers

Then surely the easiest solution to this is you have your party for your child, they don't come. They do whatever else they want to do. The only compromise would be grandparents attending they might need to split their time.

Are the kids even bothered about this or is it just you two trying to get one over on each other and bickering like, well, children?

But I’m left feeling frustrated that setting a boundary for my child turned into conflict.

You don't get to choose how people respond to your boundaries.

I would tell your DM to butt out next time as she caused this issue by overstepping her boundaries and inviting your sister!

I think 11 is old enough to understand. He is starting high school soon. Before she was born he will have had his own parties, the first years in school when she was a baby/toddler he will have had his own. Why can’t she now have her own for a couple of years. Maybe suggest it’s ok to share it but you will be sending invites to all her friends for his class party and you have a Disney princess coming to perform for 2 hours.

@HappyTalkingAndLaughing yea i told her not to because i knew it be an issue, pluss i only wanted something small not a big family gathering with jointed themes

There is no fucking WAY your adolescent nephew gives a shit about celebrating at your lovely little girl's unicorn party.

Sis is being a shithead

I absolutely adore my niece and nephews too. But they are their own people and each should be celebrated, separately. In your situation, I could totally see my sister trying to wangle in on my plans, as she leaves everything to last minute and hates having to think of decorations etc. I make my kids birthday cakes, she buys one last minute from the supermarket, that kind of thing.

But your sister actually enjoys doing the decorating etc. Which is weird to me, that she'd want to celebrate her son's birthday in a unicorn themed, little girls party. It would be great for them to have had their own birthday, per their actual birthdate, then it's twice as much fun! Two days of individual parties sounds much better than cramming two into one day. Imo, you're not being unreasonable. At all.

So it’s not even on their birthday! In that case, you’re not unreasonable at all. It’s her party, not theirs.

@Mummylove2026 before my daughter was born for 4-5 years he had his own family birtdhay where he was spotlight fair enoug. When my dayghter was born and little i didnt mind much joint birtdhay since she was to you to understand whats going on🤣 but now she has bigger interestedt and really wanted unicorn birtdhay after liking unicorn so because of money i could not afford a big class birtfhay but i tought she deserved her own