Childminder and kids grandma

[Birchtree1]

I am currently going through a nasty break up with my partner of 15 years.
He was emotionally abusive to wards myself and our kids and also physically abusive towards the kids.
Going through court currently and ex partner only allowed 2 hours supervised contact at contact center and 2 phone calls a week.
I have a lovely childminder ( older lady) she has looked after my kids for the last 7 years. Before and after school when i am at work and whole days during school holidays. She quite frankly is a godsend, flexible, great with the kids, loves nearby. She does almost feel like an extra grandmother.
My problem is that my ex partner mother has asked my son for childminders phone number to be able to speak to her. She also spoke to her when my son rang his grandma while at the childminder and asked for information on my other child who was at hospital at the time.
It is normal for my kids grandma to give a couple of token gifts to the childminder previously to us separating. I am talking £10 max, or a homemade jam etc.
This christmas she send a usual giftbag through the kids at supervised contact and my childminder told me there was cash in it for "a nice meal out" .
My ex partners mum has NEVER done this before.
I feel unhappy and unsettled about this.
It is MY childminder. I found her, employed her, sort out her hours and have ALWAYS paid her fully from my salary. My ex partners mum has nothing to do with her. ( my ex also contacted my childminder over christmas and new year)
Their grandma has my phone number and can contact me about the kids if she wants.
I have a non molestation order in place against my ex, there is /was a lot going on. It is making me feel anxious.
I have spoke to my childminder and told her it makes me feel uncomfortable. She listened and agreed but i also dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and under pressure
AIBU to feel this way/ that this isnt ok?

It’s not ok
please make sure your CM doesn’t engage with her at all

Should I tell my solicitor? We are waiting for a section 7 report ( court ordered) and next court date is in 4 weeks.
...also i offered her to get the kids to call her/ for her to talk to the kids. Got an abusive message back in october and haven't contacted her since. But also haven't blocked her. I actually tried to be nice to facilitate contact between her and the kids when aware her son/ their father wasn't going to be allowed this anymore.

Yes
keep track of everything
sounds like your ex is using her to further unsettle / abuse you

I kind of know. It's all about control. And they are succeeding by unsettling me.
She told me what a wonderful father he is when my son ended up with an injury caused by him. And they both tried to minimise incident and gaslight me into thinking I was over reacting when I finally threw my toys out of the pram and put a stop to all.of it. ( she was visiting at the time)

Your ex is using both his mother and the childminder to get to you and to give you worries. All this stuff that never happened before your split, record and report to the court. I would be leaving the childminder out of it, she (nicely) doesn't get paid enough to be dragged into this arms-length conflict.

I know! And I am.keeping her out of it. I only ak
Sked her not to speak to his mother about the children. My ex also wanted her to supervise contact with him and that was a definitive no from me.
I want my traumatised kids to not have to worry around my childminder.

You say your CM listened and agreed. What did she agree to exactly? Is she a registered CM, does she have written policies, or is it a more informal arrangement?

It is an informal agreement and has been for the last 7 years. I know her well. She lives in the same hamlet.
She did listen to my concerns. She has also offered a statement to court which I declined. I want her kept out of the issues as much as I can.

am I missing something? Why would the grandmother give gifts to the childminder you are paying for even before you split? That should never have been happening in the first place.

is your childminder a registered childminder as she should not be having contact with the grandmother and speaking about your kids to her. Grandmother has no parental responsibility so childminder should only be speaking to you.

You are not missing anything. When grandma visited she'd say over an would have spoken to childminder in these situations but obviously not otherwise.
As childminder has been looking after the kids for 7 years some boundaries may be blurred i guess?
She is also a friend and I help her out to with technology stuff etc. As she is from an older generation

And actually this is more or less my AIBU!!!!!

I would be making sure that your childminder knows she is not to speak to your ex's mother about the children. Other than that, there's not much you can do about her accepting gifts if she chooses to. I'd be keeping a very close eye on it though.

I know, but the gifts were given to the kids during supervised contact at a contact center and then passed on to childminder.
My ex already made sure that the kids think the separation is my fault and that i took their dad away. So I couldnt exactly just bin it as kids knew and had it and were told to give it to childminder

What does your non-molestation state your ex cannot do?

Is your son a protected person on it?

It says to " not intimidate, intimidate or pester the applicant or the children" amongst other things. I dont think the kids are mentioned by name....
He's not allowed to contact me or kids other than by family wizard.
Contact center writes reports every week and the request for phone number for child minder is recorded by them but they didn't intervene. Last meeting he also asked a lot of leading questions ( as dis his mum) which aren't immediately apparent to be influential/ leading. I cant really disclose much more as this is already quite outing...

I'm surprised the contact centre let him/them hand gifts over that weren't directly for the children. This seems very strange. As pp have advised, document everything and go to your solicitor.

7 years is a long time, but honestly, change childminder. If this is simply an informal arrangement, and not a qualified and certified childminder, they have no requirement to adhere to child safeguarding policies. For example, speaking to anyone other than the child's parent.

They are trying to get in the childminders "good books" so she will give them information or even access to the children/OP.

I think you need to request that no phonecalls are made to the fathers family whilst in her care and absolutely no information is passed on.

You are her employer ... her "loyalty" should be with you.

If she is isn't willing or able to enforce these boundaries, then alternative provision needs to be sought for yours and the DC safety.

Does the non-mol say he cannot contact the kids outside of the contact centre/family wizard?

No. But the temporary court order ( child arrangement order) says this. But my older child is allowed to call him from his phone when he wants.

He hasn't spoken to child minder when kids were present but my son called her from his phone while he was at childminders and grandma then spoke to childminder.
This happened 2 months ago. I only found out last week. The phone number exchange at contact center was over Christmas ( including
The presents) all presents and cards for kids were opened under supervision at contact center.
I have sent an email to my solicitor. Will see what she says. It has just made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
It is not my childminders fault. She is trying her best and it is my ex partner and his mother who are putting her in a difficult situation.
Also due to where we live...rural in a rural county...there are no other options re childcare to enable me to work the hours I have to work due to the nature of my job. If I dont work I cant provide for the kids. I already only work part time but long hours when I work. ( out of the house for 11 hours) and this cant be changed.

Kindly, it is a bit the childminders fault. She is presumably aware of how serious the situation is and safeguarding trumps everything. She shouldn’t be sharing info when there is an NMO in place! The children’s safety is paramount. Both physical and emotional.

Sounds like a babysitter not a childminder.

I would tell DS that he can only call dad when at home with you. He should only use his phone to contact you when you’re not there.

If he is calling DS at all, then report it as a breach of the CAO at the next hearing.

??? She has looked after my kids for 7 years. Before and after school ( preschool when youngest wasnt at school yet) whole days during the holidays. She is an ex foster carer and ex nurse.
What else would i call her?

You say you help her with technology? Block their phone numbers. If they call her and she answers and speaks to them about the kids then yes it’s her fault. She can hang up. It sounds like she is trying to be neutral but you can’t have that. She needs to agree to cease all contact with them.