To wonder how many other mums are like this?

[Passitalong]

My mum is in her 70s and image has always been very important to her. Weight/food/clothing etc.

I have issues with food/body image/self esteem etc that stems from all this and I have made sure I am very different with my own children.

She still can’t help making the comments though (to me, not them).

I got my dd a new dress for her birthday and she tried it on at my mum’s. She told me on the phone that it’s not flattering and it makes her arms look fat. Shes 6. 😭

How would you respond to this? (Not able to go LC due to caring responsibilities, so handling tips welcomed).

I got my dd a new dress for her birthday and she tried it on at my mum’s. She told me on the phone that it’s not flattering and it makes her arms look fat. Shes 6. 😭

"I think she looks fine".

Don't let your mother undermine you.

I would look her dead in the eyes and tell her that there's nothing wrong with the bairn and if she ever tries to do to her what she did to you, she would know about it. She's not to comment on size or weight to your child under any circumstances.

You need to stamp down on this like a dog shit full paper bag that's on fire.

‘I won’t allow you to comment on my children’s weight or body shape. These comments will be ignored and it will erode our relationship.’

Please stand up to your mother. This isn’t OK.

I think you have to straight out tell her not to comment on their bodies and not to comment on anyone else's around them.

‘Let me stop you there, mum. You do not ever make that kind of comment to or about my children or me again. A six year old does not need a ‘flattering’ garment. She’s six. Her body is a thing she runs around in. Do not foist your own insecurity on a child.’

I understand the stress of trying to find and afford appropriate childcare, but unless you are able and willing to ensure your mother stops this foolishness then you are complicit in allowing your child to be in this situation. Growing a backbone is hard, but growing it for your child is essential. Good luck. Mum sounds an absolute horror. Six years old!

My great aunt ( early eighties but young at heart ) is awful for commenting on people's weight. She told me on the phone that her daughter ( my cousin) had 'got enormous'. My cousin is around a 12/14 ! She also made comments about her own granddaughter and that she was overweight. granddaughter was around three at the time and just had that slight chubbiness' that toddlers have at that age. The only time she doesn't seem to recognize obesity is with her own dog who is the size of a barrel and she seems to be completely oblivious. I honestly am put off going to any family gatherings as I am obese and just know she will be thinking how huge I am.
In regards to your own situation I would echo what previous posters have said, just tell her you don't want to hear comments on your child's weight or appearance.

My mum is like this. Horrible relationship with her own body/food, appears to be physically incapable of stopping herself from burdening everyone else with it. Anecdotally a lot of my friends' mums are the same. It's fucking exhausting, I walked out of her house on boxing day because she very heavily and over the top kept praising how good I looked now (I was very ill the back end of last year and lost a lot of weight on top of some intentional weight loss earlier in the year). For your kids' sake, please stand up to her: I know it's hard because it's so common, but as you know, it fucks you up.

I completely agree with this. This sort of thing is absolutely pernicious and you need to be very hardline about it. If necessary give her an ultimatum: she stops with the orthorexia by proxy or she doesn’t get to have a relationship with the children.

It is really common - woman are strongly encouraged to look good, to focus on appearance- all those 1950s mags reminding women to do their make up before husband gets home, all the way through to social media images today

I can’t see it be terribly easy to change someone when they have absorbed those messages so completely

for your child - you need to focus on her being healthy and active , working hard at school , wearing what she likes but she will be exposed to the same messages everywhere

My mum was like this, I'm an absolutely fine weight, but I was never skinny enough, even if I ate only a few hundred calories a day.

I would weigh up the childcare and also just keep going with the positive role modelling with DD and boundaries with DM.

This. And point out if you cant say anything nice don't say anything at all. The only problem with the caring responsibilities is you don't know what she says when you are not there. You have to put your foot down very hard and tell her she is not to say anything to your daughter or you about anything to do with image. That it is her problem and she should keep her thoughts to herself.

I agree totally with the sentiment but no way I’d want to stamp on a paper bag full of dog shit, on fire or not

We had exactly this and as well as tackling it as much as possible with easily offended parents we also explained to kids from young age that both sides of grandparents were nuts about food because of their childhoods. Easier for us as one side convinced everyone too thin and ill and other(my) side convinced everyone morbidly obese. So we just explained that the old fashioned approaches confused people about food and health and led to wonky beliefs but that we were lucky as we knew more now. Lessened my worry about risk of EDs or damaged self perception.

What’s funny is sometimes I have collected the children and she’s given them ice lollies and pepperami etc, yet if we’re at family gatherings and the girls are offered a biscuit etc, she will usually jump in and say no they’re not allowed to the host. I override her usually say yes if the other children are all having one and then say no more!

What’s funny is sometimes I have collected the children and she’s given them ice lollies and pepperami etc, yet if we’re at family gatherings and the girls are offered a biscuit etc, she will usually jump in and say no they’re not allowed to the host. I override her usually say yes if the other children are all having one and then say no more!

What’s funny is sometimes I have collected the children and she’s given them ice lollies and pepperami etc, yet if we’re at family gatherings and the girls are offered a biscuit etc, she will usually jump in and say no they’re not allowed to the host. I override her usually say yes if the other children are all having one and then say no more!

Passitalong .I think children are being offered biscuits when out ,and being told they are not allowed by Grandma not "funny" at all .Really you are Mum ,and you will gave to deal with the girls as they reach teenage years.They have enough to deal with at School/Media with this sort of rubbish.Home should be a place to relax and unwind, not worrying what they can and cant eat! I expect any grandsons are excused this unwelcome advice.

"Mom, I think that's more your issue than hers, so I'll leave her to feel good about herself."

My dad is obsessed with weight. He always comments if someone is overweight, has put on weight or has lost weight. When he says this I just don’t say a word and let the awkward silence sink in. He’s too old to change now.

She is unlikely to change. If you need her for childcare perhaps a good angle to try is "school are very hot on not commenting on people's bodies/appearance so please set DD a good example otherwise she'll get into trouble".

It used to massively piss me off with my boomer aged mother and mother in law, but they were bombarded as teens and young women. There wasn’t body positivity. You were slim or you were fat. Dieting is literally at the core of their social norms. My MIL is a size 8, she does everything to maintain that, from refusing to eat full portions to walking as much as possible. She’ll tell everyone her dress size at every opportunity. My mum wants a reward for skipping lunch and having tiny portions that leave her still hungry. They’re in their late 60’s and 70’s and still obsessed with counting calories.

My mum spent her teens critiquing my body. Comments when I put on weight, comments when I lost it.

It’s actually sad. I couldn’t imagine spending my life like that. I’ve had two kids back to back, currently 8 months postpartum and two dress sizes bigger than I was pre babies. My God they’re both super concerned about when I’m going to get my body back and how they bounced back etc. I couldn’t give a flying F. I’m losing weight slowly and started exercising again, I’m not in a race. My MIL still ridicules my husbands ex wife for going up to a size 16 after having multiple children and how lazy she was as she should have lost the weight sooner than she did. It’s been two decades and she still clutches her pearls in horror that the woman didn’t starve herself.

Ive had sons so they likely won’t be subjected to the same bombardment, but if were you, I’d nip it in the bud now. You can be completely honest with her and tell her how her obsession made you feel and you don’t want that same toxicity with your daughter. Or you can be gentle. Words hurt. They stick. Don’t let her get under your daughter’s skin too.

i had this as a child. My parents sent me to ballet, tap, contemporary dance, acrobatics and gymnastics when I was 6 or 7 which I loved but my parents told me they had done it because I was “getting so fat” not because I liked it. I’ve seen photos of me at that age and I was absolutely not overweight. This was the theme throughout my childhood. When I was 16 I starved myself because I had reached “double figures”, ie 10 stone and despite being 5’7” my parents told me “women should weight 8 or 9 stone max”. I got down to 9 stone and they said I was “going too far”. I spent my whole life hearing these things. Ironically they were both overweight and my father in particular was morbidly obese.

The last words my father ever said to me were “Only Eyes or whatever you’re calling yourself these days, have you seen the size of your backside?!!” I had my young daughter with me and I finally reached my limit and said “don’t you dare make nasty comments about my appearance in front of my daughter!” and left. I went no contact and he died a few months later.

I'm glad you’re breaking the cycle but honestly, your daughter will notice your mother’s comments about not being allowed biscuits etc and soon enough she will start making fat arms comments to her directly. So maybe it’s time to stand up to her and if she won’t stop then never leave them alone with her.

This is so my mum (early seventies - same vibe re body and diet issues and obsessive critiquing of other women.) Depending on where she was on her own dieting cycle she would either shame me for saying I was hungry (“you’ll be ON WHEELS!”) or enlist me in an evening splurge of cheese and crackers, ice cream, whatever. She showed me a photo of myself smiling, aged about 8, and airily outlined me my (faint) double chin, explaining we would be having 1000 calories a day max from now on. In public though - no “bad” foods - and she told me her too tip for going anywhere with a buffet was to eat plenty beforehand so you don’t look guilty IN FRONT OF THE MEN 🤣

Years of rage about this (and bulimia, amongst other things), have given way to an understanding that she was deeply fucked up, and a product of her time, AND that she really did think she was protecting me and setting me up to be attractive to men - and therefore have a safe and comfortable life.

I’m 45 now and relatively content, BUT I will always have a mad relationship with food. I’ve worked in mental health for years including in eating disorder hospitals and, as others have said, PLEASE protect your daughter. You role modelling all the good stuff Idk’s one thing, but your mum poses a genuine risk to your daughter’s mental health - and anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all. That might be a lot to extrapolate from a throwaway comment about fat arms, but the impact of that stuff from someone she trusts implicitly is bigggg.

My mum is similar. She told my 4yo daughter she eats too much and will get fat. I was absolutely furious about it but she now denies she even said it. Absolutely infuriating