To wonder how many other mums are like this?

[Passitalong]

My mum is in her 70s and image has always been very important to her. Weight/food/clothing etc.

I have issues with food/body image/self esteem etc that stems from all this and I have made sure I am very different with my own children.

She still can’t help making the comments though (to me, not them).

I got my dd a new dress for her birthday and she tried it on at my mum’s. She told me on the phone that it’s not flattering and it makes her arms look fat. Shes 6. 😭

How would you respond to this? (Not able to go LC due to caring responsibilities, so handling tips welcomed).

OP who cares for whom? If you mean she cares for your daughter, I'd be thinking REALLY hard about other choices.

My dm is similar. I have spelt it out to her that comments about my, or my dc size are not accepted.
When dm comments on her own ‘diet’ etc I repeat- mum your worth does not change with your weight. You are loved the same regardless of your clothes size. She does at least then change the emphasis to talk of her ‘health’ rather than how she looks. It is exhausting- I was on her diet pills age 12. Sadly society has not changed as much as I hoped, I’m more aware of this as a mum of teen Dd than ever before.

My dad always called me fat as a child. He seems to have something to say about other people's weight. He even commented on how big my sister got when she was having her twins. He's not a nice person and I choose paid childcare over him looking after my kids. I have gone no contact with him because of how horrible he is. Your mum needs to realise how her mean comments can affect people.

You acknowledge that your mother is responsible for your issues. Why then do you continue to let her worry you? You are the parent now! Be brave, be confident!
Your children will see your mum undermining you as they get older. Start putting in strategies to help you deal with them in a light hearted way. Your mum is trying to control you. If you ignore or make light of the comments she loses control.
Good luck

Same here. I told my mum commenting on bodies, any body, mine, my kids, relatives, friends, people on the street, is the main cause of eat problems and anorexia and if my daughter was to become anorexic I would keep her responsible. She mainly stopped it. Some time when she can help and starts I look badly at her and tell her to stop.
we had loads of anorexic girls back at my school, 3 ended up in the hospital and one nearly died so she is very sensitive to that.

“We don’t body-shame these days, Mum”

or “Why are you so obsessed with other people’s bodies? It’s weird.”

My mum was very much like that. She lived 250 miles away so I could never just pop in - it had to be an extended visit so of course she had me as a captive audience while I was there. One of her worst comments though, that really upset me was just after my husband of over 30 years went off with someone else. I was at rock bottom and went to visit mum. She started interrogating me about the split and all of a sudden I got ‘ I don’t know what on earth you were thinking of to let yourself go like you have’ - I was a size 14, had 2 teenage children to look after and a job to deal with on top of separating from my ex. I’m afraid clothes and make up were not my top priority. She got worse as she got older too and I was often embarrassed by comments she made about others in cafes - for example ‘look at that lady over there she’s really fat’. There are no excuses!

I think you need a serious chat with her, perhaps with some evidence in the form of clinical studies etc about body image, confidence, impact on wellbeing and eating disorders etc. You need her to not just stop saying stuff, but genuinely get to the point she actually doesn't think like that because (trust me) someone pulling a face when you eat a biscuit is just as bad as someone making a comment.
You're obviously in the right here, as much as anything because you're the parent and it's what you say/think that goes. She needs to follow your take on these things, but you do also need her to be a supportive, kind grandmother if she's doing a lot of childcare for you, and simply controlling her words won't be enough- your girls will be perceptive enough to pick up on sly digs, facial expressions, the food she gives them etc. You need to really share the science and help her understand that times have changed and approaches to mental and physical health have changed too. If she can't get on board, I'd seriously think about other childcare options, I know that sounds extreme but if she occasionally slapped one of them then you'd immediately never let her her them - but these comments can and will have a long term impact.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to deal with this for my husband. His parents were openly making comments about his body on repeated occasions- after he was injured at work and gained some weight.

I had to tell them directly and with no flowery language - that if they ever spoke like that again they wouldn’t be welcome in our home or around the kids.

You will have to do the same. Because otherwise it will continue.

My granny did this to me as a child and it affected my confidence. She loved me to bits and I loved her too but she was tactless. I still feel self-conscious in skirts because of things she said about my legs. I'd have a quiet but firm word.

You’re getting some quite diplomatic suggestions here op. My first thought was to respond with ‘don’t be so fucking stupid’.

This this this

Eurgh, so many from that generation are the same..so sad really. I saw a post recently about how happy someone's elderly mum was on her death bed because her 'stomach had never been as flat' - depressing.

My mum is like it but not extreme enough to say that about a 6 year old, although she'd probably think it which is bad enough. But my nan was TERRIBLE. Always asking me.if id gained weight, asking what im eating/dieting. I was a child ffs. They used to make my mum and her sisters get weighed weekly as kids and my mum became bulimic.

You need to emphasis how unacceptable it is and if she ever says anything directly to your daughter, cut her out.

My mother purposely fed me up as a child so I would be fat like her and has spent 40 years demonising me for it. I can’t begin to calculate what I have spent on therapy.

Break the cycle for the sake of your daughter. Do not tolerate comments on children’s bodies.

This and then i'd say
Darling you look lovely and then I'd leave.

Then I'd have a serious conversation and tell her it needs to stop.

And every. Single. Time. She says anything...about you, your DD, a stranger, herself.

Get up and leave.

It’s a generational thing. I know my mum (in her 60s) made a big effort not to pass on those things to me and my siblings when we were growing up. She was very concerned about giving us an eating disorder or low self esteem… and yet STILL, those sorts of comments occasionally slip out, so ingrained are they. A wrinkled nose as she comments on an actress’s weight, proudly commenting out of nowhere how quickly she lost her baby weight… she once asked my very young daughters (eldest was 4) which of them was the most beautiful - and kept pressing for an answer when they looked confused and stayed silent.

Anyway, I think the only response is “we don’t comment on people’s physical appearance, thank you”, on repeat like a broken record.

Please stop with the generational crap. Not everybody judged on bodyshape then and people still do it now.

Well this recent obession on those weight loss injections, how could it not affect children? the message my life is over if I dont use them is worrying

I am very sensitive to this because my mother and sisters constantly called me fat and ugly when I was little (I was neither), but when the people who are supposed to love you say things like that to you, you believe it. It took me well into adulthood to shake this off. Please please please do the right thing by your daughter, no matter how hard it is for you. This sort of thing ruins lives.