To try and plan the best time for divorce

[RandomName100]

I want to plan the time to separate around my kids. They are currently 10 and 11. Bear with me as I know it seems best to say “right now” if someone’s considering it at some point. However I’m very, very aware of the financial impact (I’m currently a stay at home mum). I’m also even more aware that the children would definitely pick their parents staying together. The reason I’m feeling like this is he can be lovely most of the time, but then has mood swings and is grumpy/snappy/unreasonable. I should have married someone more balanced and consistent, but we are where we are and I think you don’t always realise at the start that it’s them, not both of you (because you’re responding). He has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and wants to take meds but the bottom line is, that might not change him. If the situation is like this, and please reply with what you would actually do in this situation and knowing how upset your kids would be, would you separate now or wait a few years? When would be ‘best’?! I know there’s no good age but they come first in my mind, and I’m trying to think of the way it would look financially and emotionally for them. In terms of his moods, they do notice. But they also love the majority of the time when it isn’t ruining the atmosphere. So hard to know what’s best for them! Plus they would obviously still be with him a lot of the time (although I do wonder if that would mean he works harder to be his best self when at risk of them not wanting to see him if he isn’t?). The bottom line is what’s best for them is best for me, not the other way round (my feelings on it all). Would you hold tight for now and when would you say is the ‘better’ age?

Are you planning to return to work? I'd make that a priority so you can financially support you and your kids. Are there any assets to divide? Would you walk away with anything?

I obviously don't know the triggers behind his mood swings, but as they become teenagers and their behaviour potentially becomes more challenging + they become more moody themselves, is this likely to make his mood swings worse?

If you - you could very suddenly have a unhappy environment with constant arguing - him reacting badly to them, and them reacting badly in turn. This is what happened in my household anyway and it was horrible for everyone.

Something to think about.

@TealSapphire is it better if I do that return to work before or after though, in terms of best way forward for me (and therefore the kids?!) There are assets to divide. I’m also very realistic that I’d be unlikely to go back in on a great salary given the gap and commitment to being around the kids (we live in an area where they can’t walk home from school for example).

@winterwarmer8274 I am SO aware of this too. Which would then make it easier to be fair, in a way?? So I want to be ready in case. Would it best to wait until it starts to look like it could shape up like that - in which case they’d not be as upset about the idea? Currently they definitely don’t want it to happen, I very discreetly and casually sounded out feelings on it due to friends of theirs who have separated.

If you’re a SAHM and your children are 10 and 11 maybe he’s grumpy coz the whole financial burden is on him and especially if he’s got ADHD maybe the pressure is getting to him and you getting a job might take off that pressure and you could be happier together and might not need to divorce ?? Getting a job could save your marriage ?

You could try giving your husband an ultimatum, to control his temper or it's over. I'm wary though that doing that may mean it's all an act and he doesn't actually commit to real change.

By going back to work, and having an income for 3-6 months, you'd be much more likely to get approved for a mortgage if you stay in the home, or a rental application.

On the other hand, if you are a sahm, you may well get more in the division of assets.

He's gone to the trouble of getting a diagnosis and he is also willing to medicate, surely that's a positive thing? Many people I know have found ADHD meds lifechanging.

@Icouldwriteabookonmydisastrouslife no this isn’t specific to me or the situation. He’s been the same since we first met. I took the angle it’s good most of the time. I have learnt lessons but don’t want my children to now pay for it so literally all that matters now is the best way forward for them. Also part of the reason I am off work is I am doing the vast majority of the parenting because it suits me better. So it made sense given he has always made decent money. My older child also has a health condition - another big factor to explain why they are the absolutely priority in terms of finances and emotions.

@TealSapphire yes been there, ultimatum’s given. He can’t seem to completely fix it for himself and us. Plus there is the usual denial deep down as well, or minimising it in his head.

@Lightingfail god I hope so. I did initiate him starting that journey but he had already gone and got sertraline from the GP years ago so must have felt he was struggling with anxiety/depression and mood swings etc. I almost don’t want to hope though in case the meds don’t balance him enough. He goes from lovely to super irritable.

The meds will give him greater bandwidth and calm. That’s there biggest impact.
however, certain types can result in a crash so he might need to trial a few. Elvanse is a slow take off and landing one that avoids the crash. While he tried this, get your career on track.

Yeah, not always. My DH (who is 75% lovely and 25% dickhead) was diagnosed and medicated at age 51.

On meds he is like a hyper focussed Tasmanian devil. Which is good for his productivity and contribution to the family home but quite exhausting to live with. On days off his meds though (Sat & Sun) he can be a moody, judgemental horror. He also lapses back into blameshifting x1000 which is his worst ADHD trait.

I am quietly contemplating a divorce as I am tired of trying to keep up with either him being zoned out, hyperfocussed and even more zoned out, or a grumpy fucker.

You’ve been given some good advice here, it does sound like you aren’t ready yet to separate, so maybe give the medication some time and see if his moods improve. So many couples stay together just because financially they cannot afford to split. Have you done your sums on how much you would receive if you were to divorce and get 50% of house, pensions, savings and investments, would this be enough to get you a house where you currently live and I also agree with previous posters, you will probably need to work if you split.

Get a job first. Then get the divorce as soon as you have enough savings to move out and establish your new life

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you’ve tried. Cast him back!

Thanks. We have been together for 35 years with adult children (some still at home). I am biding my time until our financial stability evens out and the children have all left home so that when I pull the plug I will just have myself to consider.

With children at age 10 and 11, the court will expect you to be in work OP. Starting point in court is 50/50 for assets/savings/pensions. Your DH
might forgo some of the equity in the house for some of his pension, however, £1 of house does not equal £1 of pension so don’t expect to keep the whole house for example. You need to plan that you need to get a job to support yourself. Timing wise, your youngest will be doing SATs in May, I would recommend waiting until after then.
I would give your DH a chance to get the meds into his system.

Exactly what @rosiebl said - the division of assets will be on the presumption that you get a job in line with your capabilities, whether or not you actually have such a job at the time of the divorce.

I would start looking for work now.

My advice would be wait until his meds have settled. You may find it makes a huge difference and the good times outweigh the bad times. I have experience of this and its worked out well. Of course someone doesn't change personality but it balances things enormously. Life is hard work with this age children and you are seeing the reaction to not coping. The fact that hes trying and is willing to use meds has to be a massive tick.

@estrogone how do your children feel, do you think? How was life with him growing up and did they notice and mind his moods and behaviour? How do you think they feel now? Do they suspect at all you shouldn’t have to put up with him, would you say?

For those who said to get a job now @SheilaFentiman @Floatingdownriver @rosiebl - would this not affect things negatively? I’m not sure though as he’s self employed now (wasn’t before) and I have seen a recent dip in earnings so despite him having a great ability to earn and always being a high earner, he would naturally cite this dip, especially as he likes being self employed so wouldn’t want to go back to set salary employment ideally (another reason I would be considering returning to work anyway right now). Things could pick back up or not but I don’t know how that side of things is calculated fairly. When I did a quick search, the concern seemed to be a job is a job so a low paid job could be seen as “well she works so she’s fine”. I guess I’d feel terrible if I felt the decision negatively impacted them financially (I want to spend ‘our’ money on them - clothes, clubs, braces, holidays, experiences etc).

Also what if he pushes for 50% of time with the kids as I have heard some partners do that even if it really isn’t the best thing for the children, especially given the reasons I’ve laid out for separating? I’ve heard some do that for financial reasons? Also they LOVE our house which is fully paid off so it’s just another emotional reason I’m factoring in for them.

As someone with ADHD I can tell you now that blame shifting is absolutely not an ADHD trait.

That’s character and the only way out of that is him recognising (and caring about) the impact and going to therapy.

Get yourself a job. There’s no reason not too. Doesn’t mean you’ll get any less money. Bottom line- do you want to be with him? Is the answer is no then get divorced. Of course the kids would want you to stay together but 2 happy parents apart is better than unhappy ones together.

The judge (if it reaches that stage) needs to take into account earning ability/potential, not just current earnings.

It is good that the house is fully paid off, but that is no reason to say that either of you will keep it. Ideally, both parties get enough to house themselves and children adequately - and that might mean selling a five bed and buying two 2 bed/3bed houses in a cheaper area.

You may (depending on values) be able to trade off to keep the house but get none of the other assets/none of his pension. But then you will need to earn to cover bills and your own pension.

IANAL so please go and talk to a lawyer about possibilities before you go further.

”. I guess I’d feel terrible if I felt the decision negatively impacted them financially (I want to spend ‘our’ money on them - clothes, clubs, braces, holidays, experiences etc).

It will impact negatively on them financially, to some extent. Because two homes are more expensive to run than one.

It isn’t a reason to stay, but you need to be realistic about life changing for them and you.

It won’t matter how it’s looks to the court, the facts are the facts. Courts look at the children first and foremost. They will see if there’s enough in the pot so that you can buy two houses, sufficiently sized to house the children with each of you. Starting point for child contact is also 50/50 with each parent so assume that will happen too. In the case of 50/50 contact and with a self-employed DH, you need to strap in to expect little to no maintenance, and 50% of assets OP. There’s a reality check needed here. You rock up to court with the attitude of ‘I’m a SAHM, I like my children to have experiences from our family money’ and you will be given a short shrift. Assume 50% across the board in all areas. In which case, you will need to get a job to support yourself. Sooner you get back on the career ladder the better, so you can earn your own money to pay for your own expenses and experiences.

Again, agree with @rosiebl - there’s not a new world where DH moves out, you keep the house and the SAHM role which he funds via spousal/child maintenance and he sees them a couple of Saturdays a month or whatever.

Thanks @rosiebl yes reality is good. So my concern here is, I don’t want things to be anything other than amicable. If my biggest concern with the situation now is the impact on the kids of being around a parent who is nice a lot of the time followed by random mood crashes and then definitely not nice, 50/50 split on childcare and solo parenting is not the way forward is it. I do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place here, and I just want to do what’s best for them, I feel very protective. My dad had mood issues too.