To try and plan the best time for divorce

[RandomName100]

I want to plan the time to separate around my kids. They are currently 10 and 11. Bear with me as I know it seems best to say “right now” if someone’s considering it at some point. However I’m very, very aware of the financial impact (I’m currently a stay at home mum). I’m also even more aware that the children would definitely pick their parents staying together. The reason I’m feeling like this is he can be lovely most of the time, but then has mood swings and is grumpy/snappy/unreasonable. I should have married someone more balanced and consistent, but we are where we are and I think you don’t always realise at the start that it’s them, not both of you (because you’re responding). He has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and wants to take meds but the bottom line is, that might not change him. If the situation is like this, and please reply with what you would actually do in this situation and knowing how upset your kids would be, would you separate now or wait a few years? When would be ‘best’?! I know there’s no good age but they come first in my mind, and I’m trying to think of the way it would look financially and emotionally for them. In terms of his moods, they do notice. But they also love the majority of the time when it isn’t ruining the atmosphere. So hard to know what’s best for them! Plus they would obviously still be with him a lot of the time (although I do wonder if that would mean he works harder to be his best self when at risk of them not wanting to see him if he isn’t?). The bottom line is what’s best for them is best for me, not the other way round (my feelings on it all). Would you hold tight for now and when would you say is the ‘better’ age?

I would say they noticed but in an eye-roll Dads in a grump again kind of way. Especially when he talks at them.

He is so lovely when he is lovely that he has maintained a strong relationship with the children. I am just tired. He blame shifts as a coping mechanism for his adhd. Which is exhausting as invariably it puts a lot of pressure on me to keep the peace.

Whether or not it is amicable is largely out of your hands - you can be amicable, he might not be.

Sorry to clarify @SheilaFentiman I don’t expect to carry on being a SAHM!! I should have she been clearer - I expect to work but am aware it won’t be an amazing salary, the question is when is the time to get the job for finances for me and therefore the kids - before or asap after separating.

Op, it is hard and like you said there is no perfect time. What I can tell you is that living without fear of a mood or without having to walk on egg shells is life changing. For everyone.

Ps. Is your tax free earning allowance used by the business? Do you get dividends for efficiency? Can to prove his business earnings so he doesn’t end up paying pennies in CM?
in your shoes, I’d sort all of that, give the meds 3 months and then make a decision in Easter.

IMO, as your earning potential will be looked at anyway, I would get going on the job front now. It may be easier to get yourself established somewhere when there is another parent around for logistics like a pick up when a child is sick, which gives you a bit of “credit” post divorce,

Start applying for jobs now, it won't make a huge difference. The job market is terrible at the moment and if you have had over a decade without a job it's going to be a struggle either way. If you start now at least you can afford the time to be slightly choosey. You need to start building a CV, a pension, connections asap.

Has STBXH been contributing something into a pension for you? I believe he can put in around £4k per year for a non working spouse.

Thanks I agree with all of this, all valid points. Difficult situation.
@Floatingdownriver but don’t they just live on eggshells 50% of the time with him and without me to keep an eye? I wonder if he would be able to manage his moods better when he knows it could result in them choosing not to spend time with him when a bit older?! They do love their dad though. So hard. Also he COULD be incredibly difficult with me and finances, especially if his mum eggs him on (both very good with finances and very frugal, and she is also not a big believer in divorce etc and quite overbearing too).

I mean he also COULD be really good about it and better as a coparent without the full time family situation. Huge gamble though. Also he is very disorganised with parenting and just doesn’t parent like me (for example bringing them late to things, forgetting things, not able to help them get homework etc done, being unreasonable and grumpy when not in a good mood etc).

Go back to work, start getting yourself more independent, don’t tell him your long term divorce plans, start saving and then divorce once the kids are 19/20

@nothingcangowrongnow yes that’s my plan I guess if I really look at where this is heading unless he has some bigger improvement than I’ve seen so far. And I guess I’m just very worried about when they are teenagers if they become more difficult (as teenagers can be) and the impact on them of a parent who isn’t consistent and can make things worse when in the wrong mood?

You want the eldest in and settled for GCSEs.

This maybe anecdotal but there does seem to be a spike in divorces around year 6/7. Not sure why, but all of a sudden it seemed the norm at my children’s school. Personally I’d want to do it before so a generally smaller nurturing primary can support them through that before the big change of secondary. But I think that boat might have sailed for the eldest.

Can you sleep with him for the next 8 years if you don’t love him?

You need to go back to work asap and start rebuilding your earning potential. The age your kids are will not get any leeway with the courts re maintenance, they expect you to see work at least during school hours if not full time (by age 12) same for universal credit. Getting your career back before you split opens up more options and means you can be on your own terms

Ps I split from my DD’s dad when they were 18&20, it was basically 12 years in the making but his final decision

Getting a job needs to be your first priority. How are you going to support yourself and your children in the future if you don’t have any income. You’ll need to get your own mortgage and you’ll have half the equity of a house for the deposit. If you don’t have a job, you won’t get a mortgage and then you’ll have to use the equity for rent which doesn’t seem sensible.

If you’re not planning to move for a few years, you’ll build up your salary, increase your pension, and work out how to work full time and sort the children out for school (they’re a good age for becoming more self sufficient). You’ll be able to show you’re capable and able to support the children so this might even help with custody split if you want more than 50%.

Working full time may also help your independence. You’ll make friends, maybe even start a new social life.

I’ve waited. Mine are 12 and 14 now and I’m so close to making the leap. I’ve got myself a full time job, looked into what is available on UC and DC are just that bit older I think they will be more accepting. At this age, being near their friends and having a room with decent WiFi is what matters! I was scared DS would insist on being with dad full time when it’s not an option due to his job. My heart would have broken into a million pieces and I would have stayed to be with him. Recently DH and I are effectively separated and he is very rarely around due to working day and most nights so DC are acclimatised to this more now. I know people say there’s never a good time but I feel better with preparation and hopefully agreement from both sides.

I agree. I think getting a job and waiting to see how the meds work out for him could be the next step.

@Perrylobster he had the issues way before me and way before kids and the SAHM decision. So it’s definitely not why he has the issue of the mood crashes or “grumpy” as a nice way of saying it. But it is interesting so many think a job being found first is best whereas chat gpt flagged I might be on the back foot then as both earning, despite the difference in earning potential now (not least because I will be the responsible parent rather than two equally responsible parents sharing the load).

@purlant just one thing on the house, we own a high value house so I don’t THINK I would have a mortgage thank god. I’m fine with a much smaller house - what’s hard is the kids LOVE their home and family. I just worry about long term effects on them of seeing someone being “grumpy” and unreasonable, even though they feel like that now at this age.

@hahagogomomo how did your kids take the split?

@teaandtoastwouldbenice my 11 year old would be devastated. I would explain to her but she’s still be devastated.

@SheilaFentiman a concern of mine isn’t really even that, it’s the fact the kids might either learn bad relationship patterns/pick up on the atmosphere when it’s negative/look back and think he wasn’t nice even though they don’t feel like that now. They are aware he is “grumpy” and his mood can switch. That’s my much bigger concern.

@RandomName100 I was thinking of ways to save your marriage rather than advising on the best position to be in if you file for divorce. I think a part time job would help relieve the pressure and give you independence. Separately, I would give him a chance to take the medication to see if it stabilises his moods.