Is this normal at nursery or are they not looking after DD?

[Ye100]

DD recently started to get it with potty training. She’s 3. Nursery tell me she will do a poo in the potty or in the little toilets and always seem really happy with her progress. But every day her underwear is soiled! Not a tiny bit but most of the underside to her pants. Is this just usual
for toddlers? Also, should she be wiping herself or should they be doing it? They claim to do it but then DD sometimes says things that suggest she’s been doing it. First time mum and single parent so I appreciate any words of wisdom!

3 and 4 year olds might not do a brilliant job, but if they're at nursery/school they have to get on with it. Teachers can't be wiping 30 bums, children use the toilet independently.

Our3 to 5 children go to toilet on their own. It's parents responsibility to potty train which includes cleaning themselves. We have 88 kids someone is always pooping we don't have enough staff to have a bum cleaner permanently in toilet area. Keep showing her what to do by herself. She will get it. Unless she smells staff wouldn't know she isn't clean.

Not for the first time I’m glad we picked a small private nursery where they absolutely do check if 3yos have shit caked all over their underwear or need help after toileting.

Hi OP. My DD is 2.5 and she was recently trained. She is quite scared still of doing a poo on the toilet. She often holds it in for so long that it starts to come out then she will go at the last minute so her underwear is always soiled (daily) this is something the playgroup and I are working on and she is becoming more confident. Could it be similar. They do change her. Every time. I send 3 pairs a day.

It's hard at that age because they quite often pop to the toilet without even mentioning anything to the staff, in a large busy classroom it would be impossible to know when every child has been to the toilet unless you permanently have a member of staff in the toilets which won't happen.

You can mention it to them but they probably won't be able to guarantee it unless your daughter specifically asks them to help, I certainly wouldn't complain as a PP has suggested.

This was the thing I ever complained where myDS was sent home in a soiled nappy and his bottom was incredibly sore so have been there for a while. It’s good she’s enough Rd to wipe herself first but they should make she is clean.

Staff are being lazy.

Wow, everyone saying 3yo should be competent wiping 🤯🫣 we are still helping my 4.5yo. I think it’s stage not age and also dependent on how soft their poos are.

I'd mention to the teachers that look after her rather than management. If I was a teacher I’d be annoyed you went over my head for a request such as this.

This was happening with one of the boys in the nursery where I worked. Mum just told us at drop off one morning that sometimes he came home with soiled pants and she was sure he wasn't telling anyone he was going.
The staff won't be offended they're more likely to be really apologetic to you and keep a closer eye on her.
We encourage them to wipe and then a staff member finished off. I'm pretty sure don't do it in reception but obviously you've got a while until then.

My son was nowhere near able to wipe as young as most of the kids here. However he also never soiled himself at that age. Sometimes wet himself during training, but not once did he soil himself. Even after he learnt to wipe I would do a check at the end to be super sure. Maybe he has tiny t-Rex arms or something, but he always looked like he struggled reaching.

Child 100% should’ve coming home soiled. Do you mean skid marks from wiping or actually soiled? If soiled, is she ready to potty train? How is she at the weekends and signalling she needs a poo?

I'd say a three year old would need to be checked every time, and an adult would need to help.

At four a child should be getting the hang of it but wouldn't be reliable for messier poops.

A child of three doesn't have the cognitive ability to perform this self care properly every time with widely varying consistency of poop.

Your child's nursery is neglectful. You should tackle them.

There's such a difference between 3 and 4 year olds. The expectations of 3 year olds' capability wrt wiping are wildly unrealistic.

That is a ridiculous ratio.

I hate the attitude of ‘the staff are busy and don’t have time to do X’ - literally their job is to care for very small children and helping wipe bums is part of that surely?! My 3 children were nearer 5 before they could reliably wipe (and by reception I did make a big priority of making sure they could as I don’t think a teacher should be doing this for them by that age, unless additional needs are at play- but at 3 years it really isn’t the same).

Is she letting them check? We aren’t really allowed to say anything more than ‘do you need help wiping?’ If they say no, we usually say ‘Do you want me to check?’ and that’s it. If they still say no, we aren’t allowed to continue asking or say things like ‘oh you should really let us check’ etc because it can be misconstrued if they’ve already said no.

All nurseries and pre-schools have a personal care policy and you’ll find they all say child voice and consent is very important. You can be really surprised how much more independent some children act within school - I’ve worked with children who adamantly refuse all toileting help at preschool and parents are shocked because at home they are basically still changed like a baby. We really can’t insist on supporting a child - no means no. I would start by asking if this is the case?

I wouldn't go to management without talking to her key worker or the room leader first, it's overkill for what is a relatively minor issue.
Not sure why you would want to go over their head, when they are the ones who will be able to tell you what's happening day to day.

I had this exact issue with my nearly 3 year old last week. I had noticed he was coming home with skiddy pants here and there, then one week it was most days.

I emailed the nursery manager to ask about the procedure and explained what had happened - avoiding any confrontational language - I got a very reasonable reply back with what would be done.

I think the issue is that some kids confidently take themselves off to the toilet - which is great - but don’t always announce when they’ve done a poo so they can get help wiping. I do wonder if some of the staff are more thorough at wiping than others, but if that’s the case at least I’ve drawn attention to the issue.

I’m surprised by people saying that children should be able to wipe properly by 3. Neither of mine were physically able to reach at that age.

Nursery nurse here. I think as a 1 off it does happen. At 3 they are in a 1:8 ratio and it's pretty common for the children to take themselves to the bathroom.

That said, if it's recurring definitely mention it. She's newly toilet trained, so while staff may let her go to the toilet alone, personally I would check in on her after a minute or so for exactly this reason.

I'm in preschool at the moment and some children who are 4 can wipe confidently. But Many just get distracted by the excitement of unravelling toilet roll and make a right pigs ear of it. I think Reception is more of the age where it clicks, and even then there are times they may struggle (eg diarrhoea).

Start teaching her to wipe herself but also encourage her to ask the staff to help her. Asking for help is a HUGE life skill in early years. And mention it to the staff, please!!! They won't be offended.

From experience as an adult never mind a toddler soilage can happen even if you wipe yourself, in nursery I don't ever remember being helped to wipe bottom, was probably taught at home like I was taught to count and write alphabet before I started nursery

My 8 year old still gets skids haha and my 4 uear old I wipe his bum

Is she in the preschool room? As previously mentioned by other posters the ratio is 1:8 this means you can't supervise every single toilet trip. If they need help we teach them to ask for it. If they are gone for more than a couple of minutes, they will be checked on and this is when you find out it wasn't just a quick wee. Staff shouldn't be standing over 3 4 year old while they poo. They need privacy and to learn about body autonomy. I gentle "need any help in there" can be said but no adult can insist to check a child's bottom without thir consent. If a child says no then that has to be respected. Mostly children will shout and accept adult help willingly but others just dump and run. They want to get back to playing. If your child is one of those then staff will welcome you expressing the concern because chances are they won't have washed their hands either. So no it's not normal to be knowingly left in dirty pants but reasonably common for it to happen and staff not be aware.

We still wipe for my 5yo, but both him and his brother just never went at nursery or school, I can't remember if that's always been their routine or if they adjusted once they started

I can't remember what age we stopped wiping for the eldest, but now (at 12) he would be horrified at the thought of us doing it, and has clean pants so I'm not concerned about the youngest still needing us to do it

Their job is to care for lots of 3 year olds though, not just one. If one child has gone to the toilets and the adult is doing an activity or supervising another 10, they're not going to be following that one child into the toilet unless they ask for help.