to do nothing about a child claiming to be beaten?

[tatt]

She has a lively imagination because she had told me quite involved stories before, without a grain of truth in them. She's stayed overnight and I've taken her swimming and there have never been more bruises than you'd expect on a very active child with no sense of danger (like small bruises around the knees). Father works away a lot and mother has other (older) children and works so is stressed.

I know its terrible if kids are abused, tell an adult and no-one believes them but I don't want to destroy a family for a child who I believe is making it up. I've never seen the mother hit any of the children and I know the usual punishment is to send them to their room. The father is good with the children. So I really don't believe anything much is going on, perhaps exaggerating a slap. But then you see the ads saying listen to the child......?

If it was my child inventing stories I'd be gutted if anyone believed them enough to report it.

tough call. perhaps the question is, if she is not being abused, why is she telling you she is? lack of attention? don;t know.. an unenviable position to be in x

Its difficult, How old is she?

I know my neice used to tell terrible lies when she was about 7 or so. According to her she was run over by my bil, burnt with the iron by my sister ect. it went on for a year or so.

I think initially you have to believe what you are being told as that is the safest option for the child. It is then what you do with your information.

You could perharps test the water with the school or ask your health visitor or SS how they would go about dealing with an allegation sensitively so as not to stir up too many bad feelings just incase the child is not telling the truth.

It is a tough call but I think any child regardless deserves to be believed as the consequences of not when something bad is happening can, as we have seen, be awful.

You could ask the child when you have the opportunity what thye would like you to do with this information now that they have been so courageous and told you.

something along the lines of " I do believe what you have told me, I can do something about this if you want me to, but I have to tell the right people, do you want me to?"

And also....you would be even more gutted if your child was telling the truth and nobodu believed them

It's hard but I know that child protection go with the whole believe the child thing. Sorry you do need to act on it. It's not your call to make but a professionals.

she's 8. I do think it's an attention thing as her mother is very busy and her dad's away a lot. They love her but they are working so hard to provide material things she doesn't get masses of attention. I know she tells lies - everything from someone's just hit her when I've been watching and they haven't to a long story, with lots of convincing detail, about the horse she doesn't have. I think at the time she convinces herself the stories are real. A professional won't know that.

I suppose I'm worried that a professional will believe her and that the family could get broken up for what I'm convinced is another lie. So that telling a professional could be the worst option for the child.

It'strange that a child would lie about being beaten as this is a strong word to use. They usually make up stories about happy events.

I'd follow this up with the school as they know the child.

What a difficult situation. My best friend from childhood was a chronic liar in much the same way that you describe; she would make up long, involved lies e.g. her grandma owned the company that licensed all the fruit machines to pubs and kebab shops - things that I knew for a fact weren't true. If you brought them up later she would deny ever saying such things. She had a very complex family set-up and was very neglected at home in an emotional sense, which I think was the root of the problem - it always seemed like she was inventing grandiose scenarios to focus more attention on herself. Interestingly, the occasional outbursts of physical abuse that occurred were never mentioned by her (not at the time, anyway).

Anyway, I have no idea what to do for the best in your situation OP, so will simply say 'best of luck'

I agree that you have the information and now you have to make the decision how to use it. In the past, through work, I have had to seek advice about allegation issues and have found the confidential advice from the NSPCC invaluable in helping me make the 'right' decision. You don't have to tell them your name or any other information, but they will help.

I can't help feeling that small bruises around knees are the result of normal childhood playing .. my two are covered in leg bruises .. they all seem rather round ... most children I know have loads of leg bruises

how awful for you to be faced with such a dilemma. Lazylou made a really good suggestion to contact the NSPCC they will walk through any issues with you and advise you without having to tell them who the child is. I guess if I was in your shoes I would have to chase it up just in case, because if you dont you will always think.. what if. We cant take any chances with children. Good luck and I do hope it works out for you all x

Please tell someone.
I was being smacked about by my step-father and someone at school told the social services, my parents denied it and the social worker didn't believe me, it took another 5 years before anyone listened to me enough to get involved, even then it was only because of suicide attempts, underage drinking and getting arrested that made me come back into the radar.
If it is true you wouldn't know, people who beat their children don't talk about it to their friends, and if it isn't true then something is still wrong for her to be lying so much, and about these things.

Agree you should ask the NSPCC for advice.
Today there's a news item about a little girl who was starved to death. She stood at the window of her parents' pub but no-one noticed the state the poor mite was in.

I know this child isn't being starved to death, and she may well be fibbing, but do take some advice. Better to be wrong than not to act. Apparently respectable, nice people do beat their children. And they do it behind closed doors.

I think that you have had some good advice so far on this thread, and to add my tuppenceworth...

I think most kids lie from time to time, sometimes to make their lives seem a bit more interesting, sometimes for attention, sometimes just for the hell of it.

Kids also lie about being hit (when you ask ds how he got the bruise on his knee from when he fell over right in front of me yesterday, he will almost definitely answer "dd1 hit me" or "dd2 did it")

But, what you are not considering is that a professional will know this and will take it into account. They will be (hopefully) trained to spot a genuinely beaten child and one who is telling porkies.

I also think stoppinattwo gave very good advice when she suggested that you ask the child concerned what she wants you to do.

Also want to add, if you do tell someone and it turns out not to be true I'd expect in most cases the parents would be pleased that someone was looking out for their child.
I know if DD told people that I was beating her I'd want them to tell someone.

At 8 I think she is old enough to know that what she says can have consequences.

so say to her "what you're saying to me is very serious. If your parents are doing this to you then we need to try to make sure that they stop. So can you tell me what happens? We can only help you if you tell us the truth. But if you don't tell the truth then people could get into trouble when they shouldn't be getting into trouble."

The fact she is saying she is beaten does make me think that she is potentially not being truthful. Imo an 8 yo wouldn't understand the concept of being "beaten" which is far worse than being smacked for eg. And while the latter is not favourable to everyone it's not as yet considered child abuce.

How did this all come out btw?

A friend was approached by her child's teacher one day and told that her son had told her that he and she regularly had sex he was 7. Friend was horrified. Upon some further questioning by the teacher and the head and school nurse, it transpired that this child had heard about sex in the playground, and that a similar aged child had told him that sex is when you give someone a cuddle (according to his older brother) so naturally he had equated giving his mummy a cuddle with having sex.

If the teacher hadn't been so on the ball she might have panicked and gone to ss and then the repercussions could have been massive. So I would be very careful before just going to ss.

And if this child is lying she needs to be dealt with.

And for anyone that says the child is obv lying for a reason, imo that's rubbish. Children lie. They don't all make up illaborat stories like this one but they all lie as their imaginations develop and are tested.

Lesser of two evils, would you prefer to have a mum pissed off at you for believing a tall tale, or have a child suffer because you don't believe her? Personally, I would prefer the former!
Needs a softly, softly approach, methinks.

I agree with wannabe, I would sit her down very seriously, let her know that anything she says you would have to report to someone else and ask her to explain, in her own words, what happens. Don't put words into her mouth.

You could also gently take one of her siblings to one side and do a little probing.

I wouldn't frighten her with stories of her being carted away because if she is telling the truth that might make her clamp up. But see if you can spot any inconsistences in her story, perhaps she is telling you about a day when you know her father wasn't there or something like that.

If you honestly do believe she is telling tales I would have a word with her mum, because you are quite right, she could say this to a teacher at school and they may call the authorities. Although tbh the authorities are very good at dealing with children and know what they are looking for, so if she is fibbing, they'll find out soon enough. However it would be a difficult time for the family.

Either way this is a very difficult situation. Best of luck.

DS tells my mum that I:

never feed him
never wash him
never hug him
smack him all the time
leave him alone at night while I go out
shout in his ear

amongst other things; none of them are true I hasten to add.

He's 5 - he has been told that if he says these things to people, they will believe him and he'll be taken away whilst mummy is told off - even at 5 he's learnt that lies have consequences so I think the conversation of "if this is true, we can stop it but..." is a good idea

phone nspcc for advice

Please phone the NSPCC for advice.

I really don't want to have to reveal this, but I think you should know. When I was small, my Dad (who was outwardly seemed the nicest, most generous man - he was always doing charity work and so on) used to hit me quite badly and also tell me every waking moment that I would die alone, because I was so selfish. Outwardly we were a very middle class, happy family and no one would ever believe me when I told them, so I gave up.

It wasn't until I was 18 and had basically a breakdown that someone believed me and it has taken many years to recover.

So even if it all seems fine, it isn't always. I am not saying that this is definitely what is happening here. but you owe it to all the children out there who are abused to at least seek advice as to what the right thing to do is.

I don't mean to sound too preachy.